All By Myself...

So here I am, blogging for the first time in a while talking about loneliness. I relate to it as a gigantic hole in the middle of your body, of which sometimes, in complete honesty,I feel as if I just might have two. I've tried to force myself to like it here on the island by making friends and so forth, but to be honest, it depresses me to think of my home back in the States. I'm sure many of you have made moves, and possibly even cross country ones, so you might understand what I'm feeling inside. You just keep hearing the word "home" ringing in your ears, and every time you think of it, the memories of the good, the bad and the ugly all come back to you.

I didn't have an amazing social life back there; In fact, I only have two real friends from back there at the moment. Am I okay with it? Sometimes, but at others I just feel lost; hurt. I mean, I may act strong when I'm sending out my blogs, but I'm as human as I can ever get, and I'm as girl as I will ever be. Things like that strike a nerve once so often and it's not a pleasant feeling at all.

At times when I'm home alone and I get to think about calling a friend, etc. I remember, "oh yeah. You just got here and so you've only got the courage to call your cousin and/ or this girl at school that's never home." Great. So what do I do? I go on the computer, probably hit up my mom's Facebook, looking at photos of my best best friend Amber. Then I remember all of the fun that we had when life was really good; the golden ages of eight an nine, right? Well, what makes her especially special to me is that at that time, she was my ONLY friend. I didn't even have people that I could hang out with sometimes, just for a change. In fact, I was home schooled because I was being bullied at the school that I went to, so when my mom introduced me to her co-worker's daughter, I was thrilled. We immediately clicked and we've been inseparable ever since.

So when I remember back home where, even though Amber was a good 12 hours away, I feel like Amber is so much farther than she really is. I mean, I would give anything to fly over there and just hang out with her for 5 seconds. She means the world to me, and I'm sure she knows that. Honestly, though. There is nothing that we haven't shared, nothing that we dislike about each other; it's almost as if we are the perfect examples of an inseparable friendship.

Besides that, I feel like sometimes at school I'm the outcast. Sure, the "OMG, there's a new girl. Let's get to know everything about her"-ness has worn off, so it's not as exciting and interesting as it was when I first got there, but now certain people have gotten comfortable enough to start trying to pick fights with me. At first, they don't know if you've got a temper or whatever, so they don't even try you. In fact, they won't even attempt to get on your bad side just in case you're truly a ninja and they just haven't found out yet. But anyhow, yeah. You know girls, the ones that want to be catty because they're PMS-ing or the ones that just broke up with their boyfriend, so they want to find someone else to blame for their dysfunctional relationship besides you, etc. I honestly don't get it nor think that I will EVER get it. But whatever.

So that being said, it seems a little more cold and uninviting at the school, so much even that I'm trying to duck out and transfer to another school ASAP. Now, because I'm new to the curriculum, I have to study to a point where I am completely caught up and can easily get into one of the top public schools on the island, so that is why you haven't even heard from me, even on the weekends. Yeah, I am pretty much at odds with this island, but I never give up, so we'll just have to see how the rest of this year plays out.

Anyhow, what I really wrote this for was to inspire you guys, so that you see that even the people who seem to have an even head feel lonely at times; hopeless; unsettled. Sometimes that's what you need to feel better, just some reassurance that you're not alone; that's you're not going off, you know. So I hope that I've helped any of my readers feel better about themselves to where you look in the mirror after reading this and know and feel within yourself that you are stronger than ANYTHING that this world may pelt at you. As I like to say, when life gives you lemons you can either chuck them back or make margaritas. Whatever makes you feel good, do it. And always give yourself a break. While your body may not always be feeling the hurt that your heart may feel, you need to just take some time to relax everything. Read a book, listen to some music, take a walk or a bike ride, play with your pet, draw, or even, as I do, blog. The world is your oyster; give it some time, some aggravation, some love, some pain, some boredom and it will grant you a beautiful pearl in return.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Just Thought I'd Vent...

You know, I truly feel that once in a while I need to vent to you guys about things that have really gotten under my skin; I mean, maybe you guys could relate. I know I've done it multiple times; it's sorta why I created this part of my blog called "Deep Thoughts with Katrina," but I don't really extend my full feelings on everything, so here is just a little add on to my Hate To Be Forward post.

So today after school, my dad went into the office to do something and I decided to go wet my throat with an ice cold drink from our vending machine, right? Anyhow, my brother was with me, so I decided to grab him a drink as well. So I go, put in my two dollars, and select my soda. Then I saw these guys looking at me in a suspicious way. Not that the way that they looked at me made me feel like they were up to no good, but they're just complete idiots who only look at you when:
(1) They're checking you out,
(2) They're bad talking you, or
(3) When they are purposefully trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

So anyhow, I bent down to get my soda when I heard one (let's call him "Mark") call my name. I turned around and he motioned for me to come over to him. I put up my index finger, signalling for him to wait a sec while I got my brother's soda and (what he didn't know) think about why the heck this obnoxious freak wants to talk to ME.

So reluctantly I walked over and he goes, "I hear you like me." ... I don't know if he could see the question marks and disgust exploding in my head at the moment, but if not, that was exactly what was going on. I mean, really? First of all, I'm still fairly new to the school, so I don't know you well enough to make that decision, second of all, who are you to feel that I would want anything to do with you? I mean, I'm an educated, beautiful girl and my standards are WAY to high for a dweeb like yourself... and lastly, why would you ask me that in front of everyone? It was obvious he was discussing this with his friends before I came over; that would explain their odd looks, but really? I shook my head and expressed my feelings of confusion and dislike of him and the question. 

Now, I'm not terrific at figuring people out, but as I said in my "Hate To Be Forward" post, sometimes this comment is a way for guys to ask out girls or make sure that they won't be brutally rejected if they want to ask out a girl, and that is exactly what he seemed to be trying to do. How do I know? Because when I gave him my response, he had this brief look of shock and disappointment before he went on to say, "okay good, please don't like me!" and laugh just to seem like a macho man in front of his friends. It was obviously his way of brushing me off and trying to embarrass me at the same time, but I knew the truth since he forgot that during my first month there, he showed his interest in me in more ways than one, but anyhow yeah; I just replied with a "no worries in that one, Mark" and walked away.

For the rest of the time that I was there, he watched me and tried acting cool, but besides the fact that he's an ugly, stupid jerk, I was completely turned off and just the sight of him irritated me. Plus, it's Monday, so the week has just begun and depending on if I've judged his personality right, he'll be giving me grief for it for the rest of the long week. Great!

Anyhow, yep, I just thought I'd vent and share that story bottled up inside of me...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Katrina's Book Club

I love to read; it's one of those things that helps me to be a better writer, a better student, and possibly even a better person. It doesn't matter what I read or how many times I've read it, what matters is how the words are taken to heart. That being said, I'd love to share my reading experiences with you guys in my own book club.

I would make it a separate blog where my fellow readers can become members and check in weekly to see what book I'm reading, what chapter(s) I've read, and even my thoughts on the story. I was going to put this on my current blog, but I was thinking that I'd probably ruin the books for you if you haven't read it yet, so by putting it on a separate blog, you guys can choose if you want to read it or not. My complete purpose for this was to encourage you guys to read with me. I'll give you guys the title of the book that I will be reading a week in advance so that you can go to a library and check it out or whatever and then I'll also tell you guys what chapters I'll be reading so that you guys can follow me. I've put it at weekly intervals because I don't know how fast or slow you guys read. To be honest, I'm not always a frequent reader, so by skipping a couple days of reading, I'll be held back on time and all that sort of stuff; it's just a lot easier.

Anyhow, this is pretty much only an idea; I will consult with my manager (mom) about it and hopefully get it up and running by March. I would love to hear your thoughts on this idea by leaving a comment at the bottom of this post. Thanks readers!

Love Always <3, 
Katrina Lowell

Need Some Backatage?

So tonight I performed at my uncle's show tonight featuring an open mic where there were lots of poets, rappers and singers, like myself. One in particular is one of my new favorite singers. Let's just call him "Wesley." So Wesley is a local star around here and I was really looking forward to watching him sing tonight. Besides that, I felt like a groupie because whenever I see him (and he's not that big, really. I mean, I saw him in the grocery store the other day and he said hi and whatever) I get that feeling that I imagine I would get if Demi Lovato were to cross my path. Anyhow, yeah, so I was really nervous to start off. I had practiced "Someone Like You" all day long and my throat was tired. I was so afraid that my voice was gonna crack that I drank olive oil and Lemon Water (the nastiest thing ever, btw) until I couldn't drink anymore. So before getting on stage, I was really, really anxious. My uncle had come and warned me that I was up next and I, honestly, wanted to disappear. Anyhow, he gave me a grand introduction and I walked on stage. I grabbed the mic and acted as casual as ever, even though Wesley was RIGHT THERE and all that was going through my head was "I can't screw up in front of one of my favorite singers, I just can't!" So that put even more stress on me. Anyhow I started talking to the crowd, going "Hello. How are ya'll? I'm Katrina, teenager from the States, and I'll be singing "Someone Like You." Now, originally this was going to be sung acapella, but then someone put up their hand. Wesley comes out of the crowd and goes "need some backatage?" That's obviously not a word, but that's not the point. Wesley, an amazing singer, wants to play piano for me... I thought I was going to faint, and then he started to play and I pushed the thought of him being right behind me to the side and focused on the words, the audience and not messing up. By the time I knew it, I was done, Wesley had walked off stage, I was given a HUGE applause, and my uncle came and gave me a big congrats. I couldn't stop freaking out at the fact that I had just performed with someone of whom I'm sure is going to become extremely famous within the next two years. Now, the show ended at 11, and all the performers were socializing and whatever, so I went to say thanks to my uncle before I left and yadda yadda. I had meant to tell Wesley thanks as well, but I was so starstruck that I wanted to sort of duck out unnoticed before I embarrassed myself, but of course, my uncle has to say; "Hold on Kat. WESLEY!" Oh my goshness! So he walks over and my uncle formally introduces us and we shake hands and all. My uncle cracked a joke saying "Wesley, you are so honored to play with a superstar such as Katrina, aren't you?" and he goes, "I know!; you were awesome, Katrina, you really were" in his European accent that I had just noticed. We laughed and I thanked Wesley for his "Backatage" and was ready to leave, feeling pretty cool and professional, but than my mom comes going, "Oh hi Wesley. We say your new music video; loved it..." From that point I zoned out because I was just like "dude, I just had an amazing little convo with my awesome uncle and one of the best singers ever and you just had to butt in. Thanks..." LOL, but I love my mom's naive interruptions; they make her unique. Well not really, I mean I guess it's what moms do, right?

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share that with you guys. Just in case "Wesley" ever reads this, thanks again, you really made my night! I <3 your new song so much; literally watched the music video so many times I think it branded my eyeballs :P. Anyhow, I hope to see you next week; I think I'm scheduling to sing again next Saturday, this time with TWO songs instead of one, so that should be fun. Your voice is SO amazing and your words today really inspired me to keep going, so thanks for that, too. Tell your group that ya'll were AMAZING tonight and next time to do "Slippers and Socks"; classic. I know that this has been about the millionth time, but I can't thank you enough; it meant a lot and I really appreciate it :)

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Tracy Has Moved away :(

So the night that I went to go say goodbye to Tracy (she moved to another island), I changed my status and just in case she didn't see it, she can see it here. Sad moments, but it won't last forever...

"Gonna be hangin wid ma gurl for one of de last times before she leaves... Sad, but wanna wish her the best on her journey."

GOOD LUCK TRACY! <3 YA!!!

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Long Drive, Short Road

Life is like a long drive down a short road.
Your car when you were born,
had no suitcases inside.
No tears in the leather of the seats,
and the road is flat with no bumps.
And straight with no turns.
But as you grow older the road gets windier
and bumpier so it resembles a rollercoaster.
and you stop at more restaurants along the side
to enjoy a yummy milkshake of happiness.
The bagage in your car grows till you can't always see out the back window.
So a cop pulls you over and says to unload.
To pull out the stress and the heartbreak suitcases.
The rips in the leather seats start to form,
but whenever you get a chance you repair them
like you do a heart thats broken
or a pair of jeans that your mom says the hole in the knee is to big on
or a dolly with a missing head.
Sometimes the road gets straight again,
if only for a little while.
Sometimes you get lost because you know theres no guide
or map
to the jorney of life.
One day the road will end.
And at the very end you will have no baggage
There will be no more holes in the leather of the seats
because you already mended them.
And there will be no more twists or turns.
Or bumps in the road.
Instead they'll
be a huge parking garage
You'll park your car.
And then you finally realize that the bumps
the turns
the tears
the baggage
th milkshakes
the cops
was worth it
because no matter what you got to the destination in time.

-Amber White

Love is in the Air... I Must Be Immune...

So I have noticed lately, as you can tell from my previous post, that guys and girls have been really... akward around each other for a week or so and all the girls seem to be talking about is boys and likewise. What I don't get is why so suddenly it occurs. Sure, the topic has come up but now it's the main discussion point. Maybe Valentine's Day has gotten to everyone's head or perhaps the good ol' "Spring Fever" has come out to play early. Whatever it is, I'm missing out, big time.

Now, I'm not able to date, as I said before. In complete honesty, I don't quite get all the real harms in dating as a teen, but my parents feel that it's inappropriate and that I just can't do it. I've been in positions where I like a guy who likes me back, I mean, we're only human, no matter how old you are (especially in the teen years where hormones are racing like wild horses), but I always have to say no and move on. Of course I'm ALWAYS disappointed and I'm not sure if my mom knows when I've just had to turn down a guy because I won't talk to her for like a week, but besides that, I don't really feel... in love with anyone. I mean, what teenage boy could you ever fall in love with? They've got such fickle hearts and they don't even look good because they either have loads of acne or their personalities are just hideous in and of themselves. Either way, I don't get the hype at all and I'll explain why.

So you know how many times  this year I have been pulled aside in the mornings to be told that one of my friends really likes a guy and is talking to them and then the next day they start screaming and jumping up and down, saying that they are finally together? Am I missing a link? Okay, let me get this straight, you just decide to like this person and then, as they always do, they text you saying "let's be together" and you think that's so cute and charming and then you're together... Wow... Now, I'm not judging anyone because once upon a time I might have done the same thing, but I've seen a friend of mine get hurt very badly off of this same scenario and since then I vowed to not let that be me. I remember that he told her that she was his world and that he was so in love with her and all I remember was her always being with this guy who, to me, didn't look as interested in her as his texts described. Finally, after our winter break, she sees him locking arms with another girl and just walking past her saying that they were done. She was devastated and I don't think she has gotten over that just yet; you know, that was about two year ago. Luckily for me, I have a lot of respect for the male mind, especially in the teen years. They look at love like they do football; you've gotta play the field and eventually, you'll make a touchdown, do a dance, and move on. Therefore, in having this understanding, girls need to allow some room for an unfortunate event like a jerk face for a boyfriend. Granted I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know anything, but I'm sure I'm not too far from the truth. But girls, don't you find it odd that a guy expresses his love for you through a text when he sees you every day? Seriously, I would say no, even if I did like him, until he has the confidence to do it in person.

Now something that I suck at is rating people. You know when your friends tell you to rate someone on a scale of 1 to 10? When I rate, though, I don't quite know what to give the person because I look at people like this; everyone is seen off of two main things- looks and personality- and how you are seen upon those two things can get you either very far or not so far in life. Unlike most, I think that personality is at least worth over 95% of the overall person, leaving less that 5% for their good looks. That being said, I would rate upon two scales, add them, and then divide it by two. For instance, in rating... Joe Jonas, for example, I'd give him an 8 for good looks and most likely a 2.5 for personality. That's 10.5 out of 20, divide it by two and then Joe Jonas is a 5.25 out of 10. Sure, it's the geeky way of getting things done, but I like it; it's more accurate. Now, if someone's ugly, but their personality is amazing, I'd give them a 10 for personality and maybe even a 1 for looks, and they'd get a 5.5, still better than Joe Jonas, right? I'm sure half of you wont get it, but don't hurt your head; it's okay. Another thing I don't like is when guys ask you what you would give yourself. I am very confident about myself, so I'd maybe say a 9.5 (to be generous) with my looks and a 10 for personality, giving me a 9.75 out of 10. Good, huh? Only problem is that ya'll would probably call me an arrogant idiot afterwords, no matter how honest I'm truly being with myself. In any event, you can't really rate someone accurately; at the end of the day, the world is just a mere perception. Heck, once upon a time the world was perceived as flat! You never know what's on the other side of "reality," so why make such a big deal about it?

"Love" is such a strong, irritating word; I mean, love is JUST like hate. They are two extremes that are often used in such casual conversation. For example, I love those shoes or I hate  that drink. Really? Do those shoes really require the word "love"? Maybe you find them very nice and fashionable, but love? How about "hating" some sort of food. Maybe it doesn't please your tongue, but should you really hate it? Maybe I'm over thinking this, but I just think that "love" isn't in the right context with anyone in their teen years. I even hate hearing my friends saying it about their "boo"s. "Oh, I just LOVE him, he's the greatest guy ever!" "She's the LOVE of my life; I LOVE her..." blah. blah. bl...ah... It's not only disgusting, but it's just... NO! It sounds so weird. I would hate to be told that or to even find that coming out of my mouth. Now, friends say that they love each other. Before I get off the phone, we might say "Love ya!" and that's okay because girlfriends are like sisters to me, so in a family or friend sort of way, "love" is never too strong of a word, but when talking about a boyfriend or  whatever, it sounds terrible. Maybe you feel as if you love this person, but I don't know. I mean, after a week of going out you're in love? Give me a break, man. Maybe I'm missing something...

As you can see in the title, this is just MY opinion; I'm sure most of you wont agree, but that's okay, right? Let's not forget that little inexperienced me is on the outside looking in. For all I know, I'm talking a bunch of garbage and later on, when I start dating, I'll rethink my words, but as for now, I think I've gotten my point across. Love is in the air, but perhaps I'm immune to this love bug...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell