Wednesday, February 29, 2012

All By Myself...

So here I am, blogging for the first time in a while talking about loneliness. I relate to it as a gigantic hole in the middle of your body, of which sometimes, in complete honesty,I feel as if I just might have two. I've tried to force myself to like it here on the island by making friends and so forth, but to be honest, it depresses me to think of my home back in the States. I'm sure many of you have made moves, and possibly even cross country ones, so you might understand what I'm feeling inside. You just keep hearing the word "home" ringing in your ears, and every time you think of it, the memories of the good, the bad and the ugly all come back to you.

I didn't have an amazing social life back there; In fact, I only have two real friends from back there at the moment. Am I okay with it? Sometimes, but at others I just feel lost; hurt. I mean, I may act strong when I'm sending out my blogs, but I'm as human as I can ever get, and I'm as girl as I will ever be. Things like that strike a nerve once so often and it's not a pleasant feeling at all.

At times when I'm home alone and I get to think about calling a friend, etc. I remember, "oh yeah. You just got here and so you've only got the courage to call your cousin and/ or this girl at school that's never home." Great. So what do I do? I go on the computer, probably hit up my mom's Facebook, looking at photos of my best best friend Amber. Then I remember all of the fun that we had when life was really good; the golden ages of eight an nine, right? Well, what makes her especially special to me is that at that time, she was my ONLY friend. I didn't even have people that I could hang out with sometimes, just for a change. In fact, I was home schooled because I was being bullied at the school that I went to, so when my mom introduced me to her co-worker's daughter, I was thrilled. We immediately clicked and we've been inseparable ever since.

So when I remember back home where, even though Amber was a good 12 hours away, I feel like Amber is so much farther than she really is. I mean, I would give anything to fly over there and just hang out with her for 5 seconds. She means the world to me, and I'm sure she knows that. Honestly, though. There is nothing that we haven't shared, nothing that we dislike about each other; it's almost as if we are the perfect examples of an inseparable friendship.

Besides that, I feel like sometimes at school I'm the outcast. Sure, the "OMG, there's a new girl. Let's get to know everything about her"-ness has worn off, so it's not as exciting and interesting as it was when I first got there, but now certain people have gotten comfortable enough to start trying to pick fights with me. At first, they don't know if you've got a temper or whatever, so they don't even try you. In fact, they won't even attempt to get on your bad side just in case you're truly a ninja and they just haven't found out yet. But anyhow, yeah. You know girls, the ones that want to be catty because they're PMS-ing or the ones that just broke up with their boyfriend, so they want to find someone else to blame for their dysfunctional relationship besides you, etc. I honestly don't get it nor think that I will EVER get it. But whatever.

So that being said, it seems a little more cold and uninviting at the school, so much even that I'm trying to duck out and transfer to another school ASAP. Now, because I'm new to the curriculum, I have to study to a point where I am completely caught up and can easily get into one of the top public schools on the island, so that is why you haven't even heard from me, even on the weekends. Yeah, I am pretty much at odds with this island, but I never give up, so we'll just have to see how the rest of this year plays out.

Anyhow, what I really wrote this for was to inspire you guys, so that you see that even the people who seem to have an even head feel lonely at times; hopeless; unsettled. Sometimes that's what you need to feel better, just some reassurance that you're not alone; that's you're not going off, you know. So I hope that I've helped any of my readers feel better about themselves to where you look in the mirror after reading this and know and feel within yourself that you are stronger than ANYTHING that this world may pelt at you. As I like to say, when life gives you lemons you can either chuck them back or make margaritas. Whatever makes you feel good, do it. And always give yourself a break. While your body may not always be feeling the hurt that your heart may feel, you need to just take some time to relax everything. Read a book, listen to some music, take a walk or a bike ride, play with your pet, draw, or even, as I do, blog. The world is your oyster; give it some time, some aggravation, some love, some pain, some boredom and it will grant you a beautiful pearl in return.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell
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