Monday, December 30, 2013

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell


My oh my, how I've missed you guys. My site was down on my laptop for quite a bit of time now and last night, with a little help from my dad, I was set back up and was back down to business. Last night I posted another story to add to my repertoire of prose called "The Lie I think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." Like I did with "The First Cut," I wanted to have another author Q and A to give you guys a better idea of what this story means to me and how I had meant it for you guys, my readers. Without further ado, I present to you:

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell  

1. The title of this prose is... well it's quite long and distinct. What was your thought process behind it?

Well, to be honest, the title came before the story and I had wanted to highlight a few elements of what I was going to write before the story was actually read. I wanted to create interest with the suspense of, you know, what exactly the three words were and a little bit of confusion because of the way it's phrased. If you think about it, who do you know says, "you know what? There's a lie I think you told me..." I mean, as I said before, I just wanted to create interest in what was going to be said before any of it was actually even written. I actually posted the title of the story on my profile before it was posted just for that "hmm" effect. Lol- hope that makes sense. But also, blogging is so different than buying a book on a self because white there's usually an attractive cover that in and of itself will say a thousand words, not to mention the blurb that's either on the back or the inside cover that describes the plot, we as bloggers will solely work on titles because unlike what I just mentioned, the title is the FIRST thing that'll draw your attention before anything else and so usually my titles are pondered on until I find exactly what I think will speak for itself.

2. Upon reading the story, I didn't really see coherence between the title and what was really IN the story. What really was the correlation, or is there even any?

Yeah, I know that that could've caused some confusion there because while lies are spoken of in the story as well as the three words, the lie was more hoped for than accused. However, the lie was really the words of themselves because as you saw, the narrator was someone who was an unbeliever of falling in love and then upon being drawn into it, going through the motions and ending up with a broken heart, had felt that the deception that she found herself caught in was because of the three simple words being 'I Love You," more so than the actions of the person that broke her heart. Like most people, she had felt that if you really mean what you say, that's when you'd put in the extra effort to not hurt the person that you claim to love. Therefore, she had this general thought that maybe those words in and of themselves were predisposed to being dishonest. That's why she calls it "the lie I think you told me" because at the end of the day, the concept of being instantly lied to started to not make sense. Her black and white lines gave more gray than answers. She even ventured to say that it would be EASIER to just accept it as a lie so that she wouldn't have to confront an all new feeling. The wording of the title also alludes to this feeling of uncertainty that I tried to illustrate.

3. As would be expected from a Katrina Lowell tale, was this story more factual than it was fictional?

This is most definitely the question that I've been dreading, but yes- there's quite a bit of my story embedded in Katrina's. A lot of the abstract elements are in harmony with things that I've dealt with. I had a really rough time in about August this year where I had allowed myself to just, as I described in this prose, fall into waters uncharted and unknown to me and I ended up hurt beyond what I could've imagined. It was... it was something that I try not to relive or even remember although there's a reminder everyday, be it a song or a familiar face. I've grown quite a bit in the short space of time but in more ways than one I still feel like a broken toy that works more often than not, but topples over once in a while and needs a little help and readjustment. I think in even WRITING this story I've overcome the fear of confronting my feelings again- I played some Birdy as I typed, the same songs that I used to play in my room so that it would feel a little less empty. That was the hardest part of the writing process because music, for me, helps me to explain how I feel, especially because I'm someone who often finds it hard to describe what I feel inside and so when I find songs that say it for me, it does something to me. So there I was, playing these songs that I called forbidden and it helped me say what I needed to say. That in and of itself brought tears to my eyes because I felt like I was finally able to start letting go of what was stewing inside of me. However, it's still a story and so many parts of it were edited and added in order to really mold and develop a new plot.

4. It's well known that in your personal life you're kinda... secretive, as it were; how has it for you to tell out one of your biggest secrets to not only the world, but to know that some of your readers are people that know you personally?

It was horrifying to say the least. At the end of the day, it honestly felt like I was giving up my diary to, as you said, the world- ON PURPOSE, you know. It was rough and it took me a while to actually decide to post it. It was only when I was talking to Kenny last night that I was encouraged to just post it. He told me something that really reminded me of what this blog is all about; he told me "It's just Katrina and Katrina doesn't really exist." I realized that once I posted it, it wasn't MY story anymore- it was Katrina's and at the end of the day, yeah, Katrina doesn't exist. She's better equip to carry that load than I am, in all honesty. So, I posted it and took a sigh because I felt tons lighter for the first time in a long while. That being said, Kody knew that it was posted, he knew it was an emotional post for me, and he knows my blog address. I pleaded with him to just not read it, which is something I never do, but I just didn't want the vulnerability that him knowing would bring me. It's even worse because being one of my best friends, he knows the jist of what I've been going through, but I dared not tell him the full story. It was just easier to say that I was with someone and it ended poorly- end of story. I made him promise he wouldn't read it, but knowing him, the curiosity has probably gotten the best of him and it was most likely read, but I think that maybe its about time I just start trusting people and stop being so "secretive" LOL. Of course Amber's gonna read this, and it won't be much of a shock to her, given she's the only person that knows me inside and out and helped to pull me through it all in the end. In fact, I think that she'll be proud that I've gotten the courage to just let everything out. I love her more than anything <3.

5. With special attention to the person that was being spoken to in the narrative, was he, too, part of your personal life that snuck its way in?

No; not entirely. There's nobody that that was directed to, actually, but there was someone who came after the heartbreak that entirely changed my view of my circumstances and what they meant for me in the future, so in that sense that was factual. That was actually something that I, too, considered before posting it because in the perchance that this person, you know, happened upon the story, I didn't want them to feel bad or even think of me as more broken than I am. When I read it, a lot of thoughts came to me as to what people would think as they read it, especially with special thought to those who suspected that this story was more to me than just a story. Given that I always try to appear strong and level-headed, I felt that in my writing, a different view was given of me, and I didn't know how I liked it. I felt like I would be looked at as a basket case or and over-emotional girl and that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to put out there something that showed that yeah, I'm far from perfect, but it's my imperfections that make me who I am and I can't spend forever running away from the very thing that makes up Katrina. But all in all, my biggest fear is that the person alluded to reads it and gathers something far from what I was trying to portray. At any rate, I've gotta focus on moving forward without really paying attention to what others feel about my feelings, no matter how hard it is. My only hope is that wherever he is that he knows how much he meant to me in the hardest parts of these last few months, especially because he didn't know that there was something underneath the surface that stood between us then and sometimes still does to this day.

6. Before you go, is there anything you'd like to say to your readers about how you had intended the story for them?

Definitely, yeah. Everything that I write is not only for me to express myself but to help out other teenage girls. I know personally that this is one of the hardest times to go through with fickle relationships and wild hormones and if ever me just sharing what I've been going through and how I deal with things helps another girl go through her difficulties, I'd feel like I've done my job. I think I've spent too long dealing with things by myself because it was easier than admitting that things were getting tough and I was hurt to just let what I've learned stay with me. I want to help change the world before I go- I want to show that even broken girls can fix things. Everyday I get new viewers from places like Serbia, Russia, Indonesia, Turkey, Japan, The Caribbean, UK and USA. I know that at least one girl from anywhere in the world that reads my blog can relate to what I write and are able to take away something from it that helps them work towards solving their own problems. "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" was my way of saying to you guys that... love is okay, but as for who you give it to or take it from, you should really contemplate because not everyone that holds you and tells you what you want to hear is good for you. Imagine that the one that I spoke of in that story I see nearly every week, and what? Nothing. It feels like we're strangers that never felt anything for one another and although I guess the heart didn't break even and he's the one in the end that wants to contact me... well, he just can't get through because I know things now that I before tried to ignore. I spoke about Birdy before, but I must say that her self titled album has songs that are more than just lyrics on a melody, but are actually songs that were made to MEAN something. I suggest that you all listen to it and really take them to heart.

That's it for now guys, but I hope that you enjoyed not only this post, but "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." I love you all and hope that we'll start making some more memories as we enter the third year of  ~Katrina Lowell~, a blog for our generation...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Lie I Think you Told Me With Three Simple Words

The moment was perfect- just the two of us, chest to chest, hand to hand, breath to breath; and you said it. You said the three words I wish you hadn't, because that's when things changed and what had felt like a fantasy might have become real. You said the three words that would make me reflect on what we really had and if maybe what you described to me was how you honestly felt or if it was really just a fib, a concept that was a little less unnerving than the other.

I know it won't make any sense to you, especially after I pretty much returned the words to you in the same fashion as they were received but... well maybe it's time I really explained myself.

I had never fallen in love, not out of anything but choice. The feeling was too distant and frightening for me to ever try to hold close and embrace. Every time it presented itself to me, I would turn myself away entirely, avoiding the inevitable desire that would come from just a taste of it. Most of the time it ended up saving me from heartbreak, guarding me away from those who try to steal my heart and hold me hostage with mirages of what love was to be while snaking their way through and taking advantage of my vulnerability. 

One time I was actually the one who broke a heart, the one who had to admit that while I had enjoyed the time that we had had together that I just couldn't manage the words then, or possibly ever. Three simple words that would just be too hard to say. The pain that followed took me by surprise because it was then that I had realized how much of his heart he had given to me and... I had just told him that I didn't want it; that it just wasn't good enough for me. I can't say that it didn't eat away at my conscience like an acid, but the idea that saying something that I couldn't truly feel might have hurt him more began to neutralize my feelings slowly as time passed.

The biggest mistake I had ever done was to let go of my fear and my pride and just fall. I just couldn't resist the urge and I free fell into a whirlwind, a whirlwind that felt so good. It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.

And the moment he told me he loved me, I didn't hesitate to tell him that I did, too. I held on to that moment for a long time, remembering that that feeling was one that was too special to ever forget. 

But, everything fell apart and in a matter of minutes I was all alone. I had hit rock bottom and it was left up to me to find the shattered pieces of my heart, pick myself up and carry on. All I can remember is sitting there for a long while just in my own silence. I didn't move, I didn't cry, I just sat. It was like when an earthquake hits and the initial shake disrupts everything around you and its only the aftershock that really sets things into motion. When everything really began to settle and I had realized that everything that was never going to be again, well, that's when my heart really broke.

One thing that I learned about heartbreak it that it's really a funny thing. The time that you spend just there in your own denial causes the cracks to spread and piece by piece the parts fall and are lost. I can't tell you how much I cried or even for how long, but I can tell you that crying was the most comforting thing I could do; it was all I could do. There was nobody there to hold me anymore, nobody to care for or about me, nobody to love me, or so it felt. That feeling is just one of lasting emptiness and there's just nothing you can really do about it. 

I never really did stop crying- I still cry from time to time because at any given moment I'll feel my gut twist like how it did that day and I'm reminded of that feeling; pain so complex that only three simple words could create.

A new piece of my heart is found each day, a lot that I've found on my own, some that my friends have stumbled across and then there's the ones that you've placed right back in my hand. 

One thing that I can tell you about what you mean to me is that you came around so unexpected; of all the people in the world that I thought would help me to my feet, I never thought it would be you. I know that I shied away most of the time, ignoring my feelings because my heart wasn't quite capable of holding anything. It was like a clay pot with a big hole in the bottom that is then filled with sand- everything just wasted away. It did frustrate me a lot at times because I almost wanted to tell you but then again I didn't want to break my own heart either, so I left it alone. Many days were me in my room crying and throwing things, feeling trapped in an invisible cage so far away from everything that I had wanted and hoped for that just wouldn't be. 

I still remember the day you hugged me- I closed my eyes and felt a familiar feeling;
It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.
It jumped me and I guess I tried to avoid it, but it kept on coming at me stronger and stronger until the day our lips met. It should've been so wrong but everything said that it was right. I didn't quite know what to do because I was reminded of everything that I had lost in a matter of seconds. 

We're here now- months later and I'm faced with the same three words that have knocked me down times before. At times it's more comforting to think that it's a lie you've told me, but what if it's not? What if that day you really did mean every word? What am I to do? And I know that I told you that I had loved you too but... I just don't know. I just CAN'T know. 

It's just a lot easier to walk away empty handed than empty hearted because one day we're gonna separate. We're gonna go back to me. And you. No more us or we or our. Sometimes I think you ignore that fact because you're able to focus on today, but unfortunately love doesn't work like that. When love is real, it lingers on like a residue on the fine pieces of the broken heart. What then? 

I love you. I guess I really do- I love everything that you've done to help me love myself and I love the ways that you show that you love me. I feel like since I've got back my heart, I've been cradling it in my arms, keeping it close to me because I know that nobody will ever care for it the way that I can. But... well everyone's gotta let go SOMEDAY and I guess maybe it's time I put it in your hands. 


Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell