All By Myself...

So here I am, blogging for the first time in a while talking about loneliness. I relate to it as a gigantic hole in the middle of your body, of which sometimes, in complete honesty,I feel as if I just might have two. I've tried to force myself to like it here on the island by making friends and so forth, but to be honest, it depresses me to think of my home back in the States. I'm sure many of you have made moves, and possibly even cross country ones, so you might understand what I'm feeling inside. You just keep hearing the word "home" ringing in your ears, and every time you think of it, the memories of the good, the bad and the ugly all come back to you.

I didn't have an amazing social life back there; In fact, I only have two real friends from back there at the moment. Am I okay with it? Sometimes, but at others I just feel lost; hurt. I mean, I may act strong when I'm sending out my blogs, but I'm as human as I can ever get, and I'm as girl as I will ever be. Things like that strike a nerve once so often and it's not a pleasant feeling at all.

At times when I'm home alone and I get to think about calling a friend, etc. I remember, "oh yeah. You just got here and so you've only got the courage to call your cousin and/ or this girl at school that's never home." Great. So what do I do? I go on the computer, probably hit up my mom's Facebook, looking at photos of my best best friend Amber. Then I remember all of the fun that we had when life was really good; the golden ages of eight an nine, right? Well, what makes her especially special to me is that at that time, she was my ONLY friend. I didn't even have people that I could hang out with sometimes, just for a change. In fact, I was home schooled because I was being bullied at the school that I went to, so when my mom introduced me to her co-worker's daughter, I was thrilled. We immediately clicked and we've been inseparable ever since.

So when I remember back home where, even though Amber was a good 12 hours away, I feel like Amber is so much farther than she really is. I mean, I would give anything to fly over there and just hang out with her for 5 seconds. She means the world to me, and I'm sure she knows that. Honestly, though. There is nothing that we haven't shared, nothing that we dislike about each other; it's almost as if we are the perfect examples of an inseparable friendship.

Besides that, I feel like sometimes at school I'm the outcast. Sure, the "OMG, there's a new girl. Let's get to know everything about her"-ness has worn off, so it's not as exciting and interesting as it was when I first got there, but now certain people have gotten comfortable enough to start trying to pick fights with me. At first, they don't know if you've got a temper or whatever, so they don't even try you. In fact, they won't even attempt to get on your bad side just in case you're truly a ninja and they just haven't found out yet. But anyhow, yeah. You know girls, the ones that want to be catty because they're PMS-ing or the ones that just broke up with their boyfriend, so they want to find someone else to blame for their dysfunctional relationship besides you, etc. I honestly don't get it nor think that I will EVER get it. But whatever.

So that being said, it seems a little more cold and uninviting at the school, so much even that I'm trying to duck out and transfer to another school ASAP. Now, because I'm new to the curriculum, I have to study to a point where I am completely caught up and can easily get into one of the top public schools on the island, so that is why you haven't even heard from me, even on the weekends. Yeah, I am pretty much at odds with this island, but I never give up, so we'll just have to see how the rest of this year plays out.

Anyhow, what I really wrote this for was to inspire you guys, so that you see that even the people who seem to have an even head feel lonely at times; hopeless; unsettled. Sometimes that's what you need to feel better, just some reassurance that you're not alone; that's you're not going off, you know. So I hope that I've helped any of my readers feel better about themselves to where you look in the mirror after reading this and know and feel within yourself that you are stronger than ANYTHING that this world may pelt at you. As I like to say, when life gives you lemons you can either chuck them back or make margaritas. Whatever makes you feel good, do it. And always give yourself a break. While your body may not always be feeling the hurt that your heart may feel, you need to just take some time to relax everything. Read a book, listen to some music, take a walk or a bike ride, play with your pet, draw, or even, as I do, blog. The world is your oyster; give it some time, some aggravation, some love, some pain, some boredom and it will grant you a beautiful pearl in return.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Just Thought I'd Vent...

You know, I truly feel that once in a while I need to vent to you guys about things that have really gotten under my skin; I mean, maybe you guys could relate. I know I've done it multiple times; it's sorta why I created this part of my blog called "Deep Thoughts with Katrina," but I don't really extend my full feelings on everything, so here is just a little add on to my Hate To Be Forward post.

So today after school, my dad went into the office to do something and I decided to go wet my throat with an ice cold drink from our vending machine, right? Anyhow, my brother was with me, so I decided to grab him a drink as well. So I go, put in my two dollars, and select my soda. Then I saw these guys looking at me in a suspicious way. Not that the way that they looked at me made me feel like they were up to no good, but they're just complete idiots who only look at you when:
(1) They're checking you out,
(2) They're bad talking you, or
(3) When they are purposefully trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

So anyhow, I bent down to get my soda when I heard one (let's call him "Mark") call my name. I turned around and he motioned for me to come over to him. I put up my index finger, signalling for him to wait a sec while I got my brother's soda and (what he didn't know) think about why the heck this obnoxious freak wants to talk to ME.

So reluctantly I walked over and he goes, "I hear you like me." ... I don't know if he could see the question marks and disgust exploding in my head at the moment, but if not, that was exactly what was going on. I mean, really? First of all, I'm still fairly new to the school, so I don't know you well enough to make that decision, second of all, who are you to feel that I would want anything to do with you? I mean, I'm an educated, beautiful girl and my standards are WAY to high for a dweeb like yourself... and lastly, why would you ask me that in front of everyone? It was obvious he was discussing this with his friends before I came over; that would explain their odd looks, but really? I shook my head and expressed my feelings of confusion and dislike of him and the question. 

Now, I'm not terrific at figuring people out, but as I said in my "Hate To Be Forward" post, sometimes this comment is a way for guys to ask out girls or make sure that they won't be brutally rejected if they want to ask out a girl, and that is exactly what he seemed to be trying to do. How do I know? Because when I gave him my response, he had this brief look of shock and disappointment before he went on to say, "okay good, please don't like me!" and laugh just to seem like a macho man in front of his friends. It was obviously his way of brushing me off and trying to embarrass me at the same time, but I knew the truth since he forgot that during my first month there, he showed his interest in me in more ways than one, but anyhow yeah; I just replied with a "no worries in that one, Mark" and walked away.

For the rest of the time that I was there, he watched me and tried acting cool, but besides the fact that he's an ugly, stupid jerk, I was completely turned off and just the sight of him irritated me. Plus, it's Monday, so the week has just begun and depending on if I've judged his personality right, he'll be giving me grief for it for the rest of the long week. Great!

Anyhow, yep, I just thought I'd vent and share that story bottled up inside of me...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Katrina's Book Club

I love to read; it's one of those things that helps me to be a better writer, a better student, and possibly even a better person. It doesn't matter what I read or how many times I've read it, what matters is how the words are taken to heart. That being said, I'd love to share my reading experiences with you guys in my own book club.

I would make it a separate blog where my fellow readers can become members and check in weekly to see what book I'm reading, what chapter(s) I've read, and even my thoughts on the story. I was going to put this on my current blog, but I was thinking that I'd probably ruin the books for you if you haven't read it yet, so by putting it on a separate blog, you guys can choose if you want to read it or not. My complete purpose for this was to encourage you guys to read with me. I'll give you guys the title of the book that I will be reading a week in advance so that you can go to a library and check it out or whatever and then I'll also tell you guys what chapters I'll be reading so that you guys can follow me. I've put it at weekly intervals because I don't know how fast or slow you guys read. To be honest, I'm not always a frequent reader, so by skipping a couple days of reading, I'll be held back on time and all that sort of stuff; it's just a lot easier.

Anyhow, this is pretty much only an idea; I will consult with my manager (mom) about it and hopefully get it up and running by March. I would love to hear your thoughts on this idea by leaving a comment at the bottom of this post. Thanks readers!

Love Always <3, 
Katrina Lowell

Need Some Backatage?

So tonight I performed at my uncle's show tonight featuring an open mic where there were lots of poets, rappers and singers, like myself. One in particular is one of my new favorite singers. Let's just call him "Wesley." So Wesley is a local star around here and I was really looking forward to watching him sing tonight. Besides that, I felt like a groupie because whenever I see him (and he's not that big, really. I mean, I saw him in the grocery store the other day and he said hi and whatever) I get that feeling that I imagine I would get if Demi Lovato were to cross my path. Anyhow, yeah, so I was really nervous to start off. I had practiced "Someone Like You" all day long and my throat was tired. I was so afraid that my voice was gonna crack that I drank olive oil and Lemon Water (the nastiest thing ever, btw) until I couldn't drink anymore. So before getting on stage, I was really, really anxious. My uncle had come and warned me that I was up next and I, honestly, wanted to disappear. Anyhow, he gave me a grand introduction and I walked on stage. I grabbed the mic and acted as casual as ever, even though Wesley was RIGHT THERE and all that was going through my head was "I can't screw up in front of one of my favorite singers, I just can't!" So that put even more stress on me. Anyhow I started talking to the crowd, going "Hello. How are ya'll? I'm Katrina, teenager from the States, and I'll be singing "Someone Like You." Now, originally this was going to be sung acapella, but then someone put up their hand. Wesley comes out of the crowd and goes "need some backatage?" That's obviously not a word, but that's not the point. Wesley, an amazing singer, wants to play piano for me... I thought I was going to faint, and then he started to play and I pushed the thought of him being right behind me to the side and focused on the words, the audience and not messing up. By the time I knew it, I was done, Wesley had walked off stage, I was given a HUGE applause, and my uncle came and gave me a big congrats. I couldn't stop freaking out at the fact that I had just performed with someone of whom I'm sure is going to become extremely famous within the next two years. Now, the show ended at 11, and all the performers were socializing and whatever, so I went to say thanks to my uncle before I left and yadda yadda. I had meant to tell Wesley thanks as well, but I was so starstruck that I wanted to sort of duck out unnoticed before I embarrassed myself, but of course, my uncle has to say; "Hold on Kat. WESLEY!" Oh my goshness! So he walks over and my uncle formally introduces us and we shake hands and all. My uncle cracked a joke saying "Wesley, you are so honored to play with a superstar such as Katrina, aren't you?" and he goes, "I know!; you were awesome, Katrina, you really were" in his European accent that I had just noticed. We laughed and I thanked Wesley for his "Backatage" and was ready to leave, feeling pretty cool and professional, but than my mom comes going, "Oh hi Wesley. We say your new music video; loved it..." From that point I zoned out because I was just like "dude, I just had an amazing little convo with my awesome uncle and one of the best singers ever and you just had to butt in. Thanks..." LOL, but I love my mom's naive interruptions; they make her unique. Well not really, I mean I guess it's what moms do, right?

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share that with you guys. Just in case "Wesley" ever reads this, thanks again, you really made my night! I <3 your new song so much; literally watched the music video so many times I think it branded my eyeballs :P. Anyhow, I hope to see you next week; I think I'm scheduling to sing again next Saturday, this time with TWO songs instead of one, so that should be fun. Your voice is SO amazing and your words today really inspired me to keep going, so thanks for that, too. Tell your group that ya'll were AMAZING tonight and next time to do "Slippers and Socks"; classic. I know that this has been about the millionth time, but I can't thank you enough; it meant a lot and I really appreciate it :)

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Tracy Has Moved away :(

So the night that I went to go say goodbye to Tracy (she moved to another island), I changed my status and just in case she didn't see it, she can see it here. Sad moments, but it won't last forever...

"Gonna be hangin wid ma gurl for one of de last times before she leaves... Sad, but wanna wish her the best on her journey."

GOOD LUCK TRACY! <3 YA!!!

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell