Sunday, August 19, 2012

LOL, I've Been Written Off...

Hey guys,

Yes, it has most definitely been a while and I apologize. I mean, between trying to settle back in at home (yep, the vaca in the USA has sadly ended) and studying for school next month and cleaning my room, getting it ready for the multiple hours that I will be cooped up inside it when school starts back, either preparing for tests, doing homework or any of the other himmy jimmy that comes with it. I'm feeling optimistic about the new school year in that I've already set academic and athletic goals for the next year, but I'm still worried about some things.

For instance, the idea of having about 15 classes a week, having an extra class, extending my school day by 40 minutes (which may not feel like a long time, but by my 4th period, I'm ready to go home, but 7?! It's unbelievable. Plus, I've only ever had an integrated science class, but now we have it separated into 3 different classes and you know what? I'm actually scared, believe it or not. I'm not worried about my ability to excel as a top student but I just don't want to struggle to get there. Sure, in life, success isn't just handed to you, but you know, I don't want to be stressed out this year. I just want an easy year where I do my school work the best that I can, where I am able to grasp the concepts and where I am able to just float to the top; do you think that I'm asking for too much? Probably.

Now, here's where the title really comes into play: I've been written off by a good 97% of my schoolmates. I mean, it's sorta hard to forget that many of them still find me responsible for putting Tony out of the school. Oh, and by the way, Amber White reminded me that I'm now talking about two Tony people and I apologize, so I'm now talking about real life Tony, not the bad boy from "Beautiful." Anyhow, back to my point, I am pretty much a common outlaw. I don't get acknowledged when I walk past, if I talk to them, they look at me like I've got an un-curable, highly contagious skin disease that makes your skin peel off the bone, and saying my name before or after a positive comment is almost like cursing in front of a preacher. It's ridiculous!

Look, it isn't easy to get into my school uniform knowing that I can't be proud of my school because while many other aspects of it are nice, quite a few of the kids there aren't. I always laugh when people say, "oh, you're at the _______ school! I heard that its lovely there." Now, I don't want to give my school a bad reputation by saying, "You're kidding, right?" but it just makes me chuckle.

My school has so much potential and I believe that we could get somewhere positive, somewhere that makes our school even better. Sure they have a "no bullying" policy and zero tolerance for quite a few other foul behaviors, but it's about enforcing it to the fullest extent and encouraging the students to really not participate in it in the fist place, right? But you know what?; I have realized that maybe the school won't be able to accomplish this in the time that I'm going to be there so I have to be the one making some changes.

I feel like I try to be too calm and collected, that I have too much of a Martin Luther King Jr. philosophy, that I'm just a little too zen. Therefore Katrina has made a few adjustments over the Summer and I'm not sure my fellow classmates will like it.

I've decided that maybe people don't deserve all the chances that I give them, and because I had faith that the whole Tony incident would just "blow over" I didn't hold anything against anyone for what they did. That's what's happening from now on since my kindness has been taken for weakness. I've done some "writing off" of my own and I swear, by the time I make it through those gates next month, people like Miranda and them will NOT exist to me. In fact, I've already started to forget how she looks. My social focus this year is to spend time thinking and caring about my friends; these being the ones that think and care about me. My acquaintances are gonna remain acquaintances until I think that I can really trust them and get along with them in a way that friends do. You see the "friends" that I had that just deserted me when everything went downhill? It told me that "writing off" was to be done with them immediately, and so the list went down in my head. More and more incidents where people acted in a disgusting manner towards me arose and I realized something else.

I love my friends to death; I mean, many of them stood up for me when I wasn't even present to defend myself and they supported me through it like a family almost. That's why I tend I refer to them at school as not my pals, classmates, or even close friends, but brothers and sisters. Because of this, I'm planning on putting together some hang outs, be it at my house, at the beach, at the movies; anywhere, jut so we can all spend time together. It was just so cool how two groups of friends that I had just seemed to morph into one and it makes me really happy to know that I'll be able to see them again when school starts back.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm coming back to school with a grudge against anyone, but you know what? It's my way of protecting myself; I was somewhat hurt and distracted by a series of events that happened last year and the only way for me to ensure that they don't pick back up where they started is to delete those people from my memory. In effect, the problems that they brought with them will also go away and I'll have more room in my brain for the positive parts of next year to occupy.

Also, don't get me wrong; I won't be nasty to anyone, but I'll just be indifferent. Maybe if I get a sincere apology then I'll consider giving them another chance, but I just need time to start a new, you know.

I always know that one person that seems to cringe their way through the first day of school perhaps because they are scared of something that come with the new school year, but you wanna hear my advice on it? Dominate it๐Ÿ˜. Im serious, though; make whatever it is know that you're a little different too and that you came to be on top, nowhere near the bottom.

That's it for today. I know last time I promised to give you a "Journal of our Generation" post, but you know what? Consider this one; one about the new school year. Hopefully you've been able to take away something from it and I wish you the best during the 2012-2013 school year!

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell