Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Beautiful- Chapter 9

Just then I realized that I was crying. I quickly turned around and wiped at my face, trying to hide the tears before Brey saw them. It kinda irritated me how self conscious I was around him. I mean, he was just a boy, right? Anyhow, when I finally got myself together I played it cool, like I didn't see him coming and only turned around to check that I had my Chem. homework (you'd think that'd be the telltale sign that I was hiding something; Katrina- checking for homework. Lol, PLEASE!). He was headed towards me with this amazing flower arrangement that at a glance looked like shooting stars. He approached me and grinned awkwardly. We just stood there and looked at each other, both of us waiting to see who was going to say something first. I didn't realize that I had fallen into the Dark Carmel sea that was his eyes until he shoved the flowers into my hands. I snapped out of my trance, smiled and looked down at them. They were beautiful, they really were. Just then Brey finally broke the silence.

"My mom... She does flower arrangements. I... I thought you'd like this one. I mean, you might not, so I don't want to be presumptuous, but it's okay if you don't I just-" he started to babble and I was starting to feel bad for ignoring his messages, so I just hugged him. I didn't know why; it was almost an involuntary action. Hugging him felt like being tucked under a warm blanket; so natural, so real, so unusual to me.

"Thank you, Breyson. They're perfect," I muttered while still firmly in his grasp. When I finally let go, he looked at me like he did the night before and my heart sank. Although I didn't want to leave, I hurried off, and as my shuffling feet headed down the street, Brey stopped me.
"You're gonna have to talk to me sometime." I turned around slowly and tried to avoid his eye contact. He was right, but I was just scared that he was say all the wrong things and make me... Disappointed. I didn't want to rock the boat, but I shrugged my shoulders in hidden agreement.
"I guess so. But what is there to talk about?" He put his hands in his pocket, obviously as uncomfortable as I was. "I- I want to explain myself and get you to really hear me out because last night I felt a connection- a gravitational pull- with you and I'd hate to lose it."

I hesitated, knowing that maybe I should just tell this kid to beat it and find someone new, but as with everything lately, I bit my lip and nodded. "How about lunch? Lord knows Van won't be keeping me company today." He pursed his lips as he pondered. "I've got a better idea."


"Lol, you know how to drive?" I stood there starring at the banged up piece of metal on wheels that Brey called his "baby." At that point, the question was more directed to the car than it was to him.
"Of course. I am 16 you know. The real question is are you daring enough to ride with me?" He had that cheesy bad boy smirk on his face. I didn't know what to say. I mean, skipping school was a normal occasion for me, but in Brey's car, with me still so unsure about things? I just didn't know. He saw me picking at my lip in worry and ran over, taking my backpack and throwing it in his trunk. I couldn't help but laugh at him as he sped around like an idiot when I was about to say yes. Crossing my arms, I glared at him playfully. "And we're skipping school to go where?" His eyes opened wide.

"Skipping school. Not quite what I had in mind." He rubbed the back of his neck in confusion. He wasn't the only one; "Brey." I looked at him seriously. "You mean to tell me that you're driving two blocks to our school because you felt the need to drop me off... When I live two blocks away?" I said it sarcastically, expecting a more realistic response, but he actually nodded. I roared with laughter. I mean, he really was a dork. He started to question my outburst, but I cut him off. "Just shut up and drive."

The drive was short and awkward because although we seemed to be playing around and over it, it was obvious that joking was our way of avoiding the inevitable. When we got to the school parking lot, only about eight or nine cars accompanied us. That's when it occurred to me; it was 8:00 and school didn't start for another hour and a half. Usually I was up at Van's house until late in the mornings and that's why time had completely slipped my mind.

The place was so quiet. It was almost surreal how during the day the place sounded like a crowded rave when it otherwise was completely silent and deserted. It didn't help that Brey and I sat silent for a while either. To be honest, the lack of sound started to eat me alive, so I finally blurted out what I was covering up the whole morning. Without looking him in his eyes, I said, "last night you took me to the park, got me ice cream, showed me the stars, and nearly kissed me. You made me feel like something... Something amazing was going to happen to me for once. You made me feel beautiful. Why?" I finally brought myself to turn and look at him. He was focused on the bouquet in my lap.

"I felt something with you that I haven't had with anyone else. I just wanted-" my eyes welled up with emotion and I held them with all of my power, trying not to unintentionally go off on him like I seemed to always do to people. "I know what you wanted, Brey, but what about what I wanted? Better yet what Danielle wants?" Brey narrowed his eyes and grumbled. "Danielle and I are done. I just can't bring myself to tell her. I mean, she's nice and all, but she's super clingy and controlling. We've been together for six months and broken up like twelve times. I was going to end it on our last date but- she was just too sweet to let down." I didn't know whether he was right or wrong in what he was doing.

"Brey; she deserves a fair break up like anyone else. I mean, it would hurt her more if she had found out that you were cheating on her." I felt better about the situation, though. Letting my feelings go in a more reasonable way actually felt good. Brey reached for my hand, and I pulled it away.

"What is it that you want me to do?" Brey gazed deep into my eyes, nervously. "I want you to trust in me when I say that you're beautiful and I know that we need to slow WAY down, but at least maybe one day we'll be together. But most of all, I want you and I to form a friendship. You're the only one I've ever felt comfortable with enough to tell my story, and that makes you special to me." It was so genuine and relieving to hear him say those things; to be honest, I was touched. In all my life I had never been admired or even seen as special the way he saw me for no reason and it felt amazing. So amazing I even shed a tear. I was so disappointed in myself for being such a pansy. I mean really, CRYING SO MUCH IN ONE DAY! Before I knew it, I was in another flashback, but this time it was different- it wasn't from rage but from love.


Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

P.S. once again folks, some odd editing due to blogging on my IPod, but if when I look at it on the computer tomorrow it looks too jacked up, then I'll edit it properly. Sorry about that :S.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Trying To Get "Katrina" Back

Hey guys,

You can't believe how bad I feel for not blogging in so long, and once again, I've got excuses:
1. I was moving and so I even missed school because it was so hectic,
2. I'm settling in, so I spend a lot of time hanging around, checking things out,
3. I've been drowning in school work,
4. And I haven't been feeling myself recently.

I can't tell what it is, but I'm not feeling too peachy. I've been feeling extremely down and out and just completely and utterly helpless these last few weeks. I just hope I can get back into my groove soon because its affecting everything; my "friends" have left me in the dark, my ambition for school is wavering and as for how I feel about it, I just don't know. When I get home from school, I just feel kind of depressed, almost. I try to cheer myself up by playing with Waffle or taking a dip in my new house's 12- foot pool (I know! It's sooo deep and scary sometimes) but it just doesn't work all the time. I think what's worse is that I don't have anyone really that I can trust as a close friend to vent to since all of my "besties" have abandoned me and Amber's halfway across the globe.Therefore, I turn to you guys.

Lying here in the car, blogging and relaxing has actually reminded me how therapeutic this is; no, but seriously! Maybe this has been the missing link in my daily schedule. I mean, it's easy to say, "yeah- a post a day; got it!" But with a life like mine, I can never decide when to get it done.

Although I've got a lot on my plate, the feeling of seeing all of my readers actually hearing me makes me feel really proud of myself and it encourages me to do more. I promise that you guys are in my mind everyday and not a lack of desire, but a lack of time and place causes my extended periods of outdated posts on this blog.

I love you guys like sisters and even though I've been feeling like crap, I'm part of the Lowell Militia and we never back down.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

...You Just Said Goodbye...

Hey guys,

This is more of a solemn post today. It's about the loss of a friend. If you're familiar with my old "Journal of our Generation" posts, you'd remember a post discussing this. The loss of a friendship isn't a very pleasant thing and being a girl, this includes many tears, loads of hurt feelings and silent treatments lasting eons. Here's where it all began...

So lately, to be honest, I've been sucked into some drama because I just can't control my emotions. I've kinda been feeling down and homesick for some reason recently and it's got me on edge, so if someone says or does something, no matter how small, I blow it out of proportion and no, it isn't right and I've been working on it, but I guess Kayla and Bella (one of my other friends) have decided to distance themselves from me.

Of all the ways to find out that your two "best friends" want to get away from you, hearing that they plan on moving halfway across the classroom away from you doesn't feel peachy. My form teacher let me know what was happening and I just felt numb. I didn't know if I should've felt sad, angry, indifferent, understanding, and all of the other feelings. I was so shocked that it felt like I should've known. At any rate, I didn't want to talk about it, but my form teacher insisted that we did.

During our break we were brought in to discuss it. That day I learned that I was a controlling, insensitive, overbearing, non-censored person whom they no longer could deal with. Now, I could waste my time trying to convince you guys that they were insane in saying this stuff, but I'd rather not. I mean, I argued against it today because I was furious; some say hurt or whatever, but no- I was infuriated. Infuriated at the fact that instead of talking to me about anything they just wanted to pick up and leave me to figure things out on my own. I mean, they say that I need friends to get through things and yet the very two that I hold close want to be leaving. I just didn't get it. I will be honest, I didn't pay enough attention to their thoughts during the meeting, but I fought against everything because I just wanted it to be over and done with before I cried or said something I didn't mean because I was so upset. It was a screwed up situation, honestly...

I will say two things; first of all, yes I was upset at Kayla and Belle because since I considered them to be my close friends, I expected more than this from them. However, I'm over it; I mean, if they decided to keep my friendship tomorrow, I wouldn't refuse, but I would scale back. I would have to put them back to the starting point on my friendship meter because I need to learn to trust that they won't just pick up and leave like they did last time. I mean, I try not to hold grudges and I'm open to ye ol' reconciliation, but after three weeks? They seem fine without me, so why should I go and crash the party? In fact, sometimes, the way Belle looks at me is like she wants me to come and talk to them, but I'm sorry; I didn't see any problems with our friendship, ones that would cause ME to just walk away without saying a word, so please explain to me why I should take the initiative to work things out when you're the ones that broke it as far as I'm concerned.

I feel like this- I think that they all feel as if I don't value their friendship and please believe me, that's not the case. However, with a situation like this, it felt like they expected me to apologize for having the drama that I had and promise them that it won't happen again. Now, if they had been dragged into this drama and their lives made harder by me, absolutely! An apology would be headed their way immediately. When it comes to MY life an MY repercussions, then no; I don't owe anything to anyone. If that we're the game that we were playing, then they would've been made to promise to not make any mistakes this year, a promise obviously broken because nobody's perfect. The best that I could do was make it known that I was trying my best for ME and that if that wasn't good enough, then tough luck.

I guess it was harder at the start of it all because I felt a great deal of confusion, hurt and guilt, but after a while I felt stronger and I began to meet new people. I was once in a tight knit group of girls and with them I felt comfortable, but with them out on their own, I had to leave my comfort zone and try out new things. Sometimes that meant lunch alone with a book, but it's okay; In fact, I still sometimes do hang by myself, but I won't let it get me down. It took a lot of strength to do the right thing and do what was good for me, which was giving my old friendship an extended vacation or quite possibly a break off altogether, but I got stronger and it made me appreciate Amber's friendship even more. She might be the only one I have sometimes, but we practically grew up together; cried together, laughed together, and sometimes even fought with each other, but she always turns back around and gives me a hug, apologizing sometimes even for nothing because even though we feel like what we're mad about is big, our friendship is bigger than this whole world and we made it work. Maybe Kayla and Belle don't feel the same way about our friendship, and that's fine- not every friendship is the same, but I think that the hardest thing about this is that they just said goodbye...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

P.s. if my sign off isn't purple or italicized, then I'm on my iPod. Just though you should know just in case it looks weird on the computer :).