7.8.11- Paramore "Playing God"

Hey Guys,

I just couldn't resist bringing back all the old blog sections, like "Journal of our Generation" and "Music Daily." Haven't you missed them? Anyhow, I wanted to kick things off with a song like "Playing God." This song  is so strong and kick- butt.

I love this song because it says everything that you could ever want to tell that one person that is always getting on you, putting you down, pointing out the small things in order to change you into who they want you to be. I think that everyone can relate to that one person and so I thought that this song was brilliant.

Yes, it's amazing, but here's where it gets a little... shameful; the song was written for Haley Williams' mom. Ouch! I mean, I could have sworn that she was talking about TMZ or some sort of person from the recording company that she works for, the people who are always nagging at her, telling her to change, but your mom? Maybe I can relate sometimes when I wish my mom would stop telling me that my clothes don't look good, or my style of hair looks wacky or something, but I understand that it's not out of malice, but honest concern. I know that some of my friends might say this to their moms, though, but maybe their situations have become so frustrating that the song truly fits there. Like, for instance, I had a friend a while back whose mom had them on an insane schedule; in one week, they practiced swimming, gymnastics, piano, dance, acting classes, modelling, etc. To top it off, they don't want to do all of these things, but I even witnessed the girl tell her mom that she really didn't enjoy doing these activities and her mom looked her in the eyes and said, "I honestly DO NOT CARE, you're going and that's final." Hey, to each their own, but if it were me in that situation, I wouldn't be able to be passive and work my butt off doing things that I really don't like to do.

The song, otherwise, has that rock edge and the music video is oh so funny. It reminds me of that TV show "Criminal Minds" where you find that peculiar serial killer who drugs people and ties them up in their garage, very like Haley Williams (LOL).

Well, I hope you enjoy the song, but not enough to go tell your mom to sit and listen carefully to it; that would be a HORRIBLE idea, okay guys. Be respectful to your parents :). Love ya mom ;)

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Sweet Dream or Beautiful Nightmare?

Hey guys,

So today I just felt compelled to talk about dreams. I have had dreams all my life, every night, every nap, everything. I've just summed up that I have a hyperactive brain, even when I'm sleeping. Let's go deeper into a few types of dreams:

1. The crying dreams- My earliest dream memories are from when I was in pre-school, so about three or four. I remembered having a lot of bad dreams, be it about ninjas in the dark, or aliens abducting my grandmother, or even some of the tyrants at my pre-school hurting my feelings. In all of these, I can remember crying in the dream and each time, without a fail, my dad would wake me up, telling me that it's just a dream and to stop crying. Yep, I was actually crying every time. I would then have to go wipe off my face and try to emotionally settle down. I hated it; I mean, sure those dreams sound pathetic, but believe it or not, those were reoccurring, like three times a week. That's why they are still so fresh in my mind today and that's also why it was so scary for me back then, being so small and having to deal with this so often.

2. The running dreams- Now anytime I'm in a dream where I need to run, I just pinch myself and immediately wake myself up (yes, I can wake myself up from dreams; certain ones). Anyhow, the problem with my running dreams are that I can never go anywhere. It's almost like I'm running in place and then... I get killed and wake up anyway, so to spare myself the emotional distress, I wake myself up from early on. I wonder why most people cant run in their dreams. In fact, I just looked it up and they said something that makes a lot of sense. For one, your brain only commutes things that it has seen, smelled, touched, done, etc. That's why you can't die in a dream; you body doesn't know what it feels like. Also, you can't run fast because while you're sleeping, your brain puts your body into something called "sleep paralysis" and therefore it prevents you from getting up and operating (sleep walkers fail to complete sleep paralysis) and therefore, your body cant move in real life, so it can't always move fast in your dream; your body just doesn't work like that. Wow, lot's of scientific explanation for what I had always thought wasn't explainable.

3. The short fall dreams- I get these probably once a month and I hate it. Usually when I'm really tired and I start to slip away, maybe semi conscious, I start to dream that I'm either walking or riding a bike, or something peaceful and normal and then I fall sideways and end up in my bed, laying sideways. Not a huge problem, except for the fact that my heart starts to get this strange feeling when it does this, almost like the feeling you get if you are falling on the Tower of Terror in Disneyland, but a lot less... happy.

4. The movie dreams- these are the less exciting ones because instead of being in your dream, you watch yourself do things, like in a movie. I've watched myself beat up robbers, eat ice cream with friends, go on an awesome bike, and some other strange imaginative things like riding a rainbow horse on a giant scientific balance and jumping off and discovering that Snoop Dogg is my father... yep, some pretty weird dreams...

5. The black and white dreams- Have you ever had a dream in black and white? It's almost as if you are laying there, daydreaming, but you'e actually in full fledged sleep. I don't like them because they just tend to be boring and confusing. Ugh, gross...

6. The math dreams- I think that the weirdest math dream that I have ever had was one where when I woke up, my hands were in the air, commuting a math problem and I couldn't stop them. I felt like a nut ball. You see why now people feel like they've got alien brains and all sorts of oddities? Anyhow, yeah, these are the dullest of all, to me. I just typically sit or stand in front a board and do math problems for hours on end. Hate it, plus it makes me wake up feeling like a loser :(.

7. The love dreams- You'd think that by being a girl I should love to fall in love in my dream and run off into the sunset. I don't. I mean, the first time I had a love dream was when I was ten and it became my obsession. I started trying to draw his face and I spelled his name over everything and I named him my "dream guy." Yes, I know, but really. I think that it's just like soap operas and fan fiction; the fake things that play with your emotions and make you believe that certain things should or could happen when usually, they are very far from reality. I just like things in my life being very... normal and realistic.

8. The beating dreams- I had one of these on Wednesday night, dreaming about a girl at my school that was a complete butt hole to me the day before and I dreamed that I was in my classroom, tapped on her shoulder and then just landed a punch straight in her jaw and in her stomach, just beating the daylights out of this girl. Now sure, I felt like a disgusting person, since it was almost like fantasizing about beating someone till they bleed profusely, but it made me feel better the next day and when I saw her, I was able to ignore her and feel normal instead of having pent up anger.

9. The sleepwalking dreams-This is the last dream that I'm covering for the day. Anyhow, yes, when I was smaller, I was an active sleepwalker. I was known for sleepwalking to the dining table or using the bathroom or just anything, but the biggest one was when I left my apartment. I had a dream that my aunt (who was living with us at the time) asked me to take my little brother's diaper out to the dump, so I did and when I went to come back inside, the door was locked, so I stated to beat at the door and cry hysterically because I sensed a monster approaching when in reality, I was whimpering and not hitting the door at all. My mother said that she was sleeping in the living room (relatively close to the door) and she heard a little girl crying, so she looked out of her peephole and saw me standing there. I don't even remember getting inside because when my mom took me inside and was talking to me, I was still very much asleep, in a sort of walking nightmare. She was so scared after that, but none more than me. I was horrified of what could have happened to me and what would have happened if my mom didn't open the door.

Anyhow, I hope you guys each have sweet dreams tonight; I'm sure I will :) Goodnight!

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

You Must Really Love Conflict...

Hey guys,

So I am sorta feeling like a file of garbage after taking my own advice which is... horrible. As you all know, I take that Martin Luther King Jr. stance with the whole "Let's just all be friends" and just like him... I get shot.

So we all know Miranda, the one that I speak about in the "Opposition" posts. Anyhow, yeah, she's still with her foolish ways, cursing me often, giving me nasty looks, saying despicable things to and about me on the internet, you know; the whole sha-bang. So what do I do after I'm just about ready to strangle her? I try to kill her with kindness, ye good old trick, eh? WRONG!

So here's how I went about it; It's End of year exam time and I'm stressed, anxious, tired and quite flustered and in the midst of it all, I have little miss Miranda on my case everyday and with my patience so thin, I decided to write her a note, the only way I've been able to reason with this chick. Now, if you can remember, the last time she showed everyone the little note that I gave her, so this time, I made it general so that even her friends can get the message. It simply said "Miranda, I am sick and tired of the conflict. It's getting old and it's just really unnecessary. I'm letting you know right now that My 'white flag' is up and I don't want any more conflict, and I hope you'll join in too." Short, Sweet, Simple; the three S's needed in this note. And I felt good about it afterwords, like a load taken off of me. To my surprise, the rest of the day was peaceful. She had seemed to taken the note to heart and she even told her friends that it was a nice note and all that other stuff. Okay, no more trouble, right? WRONG (again)!!!

So when I get home, I happen to check my e-mail and I get an e-mail from Mr. Miranda's Dad saying, through me, that he was angered by my communication with Miranda since my mother ordered that Miranda discontinue her interactions with me. he also took the note as a friendship request, after Miranda had already offered to be my friend earlier up and I refused; look, this isn't Facebook, first of all and second of all, I don't want anything to do with your child sir! His daughter lies to him every day. In fact, I have proof that she had NOT in fact asked for my friendship. Instead she sent my cousin a message on Facebook, saying that she didn't want anything to do with me or my "people". How bout that for a friend request? Anyhow, yes, so he finished it off with a line that was extremely selfish, in my eyes. He goes, "I want Katrina to refrain from any further communication as this new note has caused great distress to the family." Now, with that statement, you'd swear I was lying about what was on that note, but I swear to the big guy upstairs that what I placed above was everything on that note. Can you believe it? Now the selfishness that I see is this: By your daughter causing me great grief every day by teasing me and being a complete bully, it has caused MY family great distress, so try again sir. You don't understand how hard it is to hear such nasty things said about you every day like a recording. It makes you lose self confidence, hurts your heart, and is just plain cruel. So Mr. Miranda's dad, don't have such tunnel vision and understand what your daughter is doing to my family, okay?

So moving on, after getting that message from her dad, I felt disrespected and just filled with that burden I thought I had left behind. I went straight to my teacher, Mr. Perry, the next day and explained my dilemma. Apparently the same e-mail was sent to him and so he decided to call in a meeting with Miranda and me the next morning. So I decided to walk in with evidence; my cousin sent me a screenshot of the message that Miranda had sent her. If I could just show one of her lies, I was sure the rest would fall in line.

The next morning, we sat in the classroom and Miranda explained to Mr. Perry a very messed up version of what happened, saying that she felt insulted by the letter and that she was upset because my mother had implemented the whole "no talking" thing and yet the note came about. To that I said "My mother isn't crazy, Mr. Perry. My mom came in and saw a disgusting e-mail sent to me from Ms. Miranda and proceeded to reply to it by saying that her NEGATIVE remarks need to be kept to herself and that Miranda should refrain from corresponding with me due to her behavior. And the only reason I had to write the note was because her father obviously wasn't doing a good job of handling his child and I couldn't wait for him to set things straight, so I did it myself." From there, Mr. Perry read the note and found NOTHING wrong with it. So then I decided to address the whole "friendship" claim and I allowed her to explain when and how she proposed this. She didn't know that I had my evidence, so I stopped her in the middle of her lie and showed Mr. Perry the screenshot. She was shocked to say the least, and she didn't even bother to try and cover up her lie.

Anyhow, Mr. Perry completed the conversation by saying that we are to not look at one another, talk to or about one another, etc. Can you believe that as he leaves, she says a stupid remark and curses me, so I got mad; almost crazy. I walked up to her face and I said, "If I'm causing your family so much distress, why are you talking to me, right after a teacher even instructed you not to. I no longer have any regard for you and if you even breathe to hard in my direction, child, I will report you to the principal of this school, do you hear me?" She rolled her eyes, but it obviously got to her because she shut up. This passive aggressive behavior began afterwords until about yesterday. Now this is why I think that she's bipolar.

Yesterday, we had a home economics test where we needed to prepare meals, so we did our little thing, blah blah blah, and then Miranda starts cracking jokes with me, giving me whipped cream, sharing food, smiling, being cheerful, a lot like when we were friends and I was... pissed off. After getting me in trouble with not only Mr. Perry for attempting to making things easier for everyone, but also getting me in trouble with your family, causing me strife at school, lying till your brain hurts, you wanna be all buddy-buddy? Absolutely not. I am actually going to march into the classroom on Monday and ask Mr. Perry is this agreement that we had made only applies to when Miranda is in a good mood, because she's just so ridiculous. In an effort to ruin my day, she goes and makes a big deal out of something that was completely in the right and then now that that's over, you want to follow the agreement of the note? I just don't get it.

Ugh... I just chalked it up to the fact that she must really love conflict...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Somebody Snitched On Me, It's...Katrina?

Hey readers,

So this is not really a fun, happy post, but rather one of reflection. Reflection upon everyone that reads this, upon everything that happens in your life, upon certain decisions you make.

This week, a couple of students from my school were expelled for conduct unacceptable within and outside school walls. Now I knew one of these students very well; he was in my class and at one time one of my best friends, to be honest. This occurred on Wednesday, the same day that I went to get Waffle (my dog; he's been in the states for seven months, so he finally was able to join us here in the Caribbean). One of my friends from school gave me a phone call, telling me that these students had been expelled and for what, and to be honest, I was surprised. First came surprise, then sadness, not only for him and what this incident means to the rest of his life, but also for his family and everyone else involved.

I swear I couldn't sleep properly, just thinking about what happened and everything else. Being a writer, to get myself to sleep, I wrote a speech in my mind. A speech that I would tell my classmates during any discussion about the situation since I was sure they would all feel a certain way about the two students and what they were doing. This made me feel a lot better and I was confident in the words that I was going to say. With that I fell asleep.

The next day: Thursday. I remember my drive to school as a very painful one. I felt like I was going to cry because the situation was just so saddening. Besides his family and himself,  I thought about all of his friends who would obviously be devastated at school, spending the first day without him there. I thought about the awkwardness that my classroom will be in, and wrongfully so. I was just really down that morning, and what I heard when I arrived at school didn't feel awesome either.

So as I got to school, my friends let me know that people thought that I was the snitch that got the two students, and possibly others, expelled. At this I was appalled, but the rumor spread around the ENTIRE school and there was nowhere I could hide. That speech of mine went out the door and worries an so many others filled its space. I know that I had no involvement in it, and I think that that's all that counts.

But, what I really wanted to blog is what I would have said in my speech, and this can apply to everyone:

What happened here on Wednesday was unfortunate. It was unexpected and therefore caused many of us to doubt who these people were and their true intentions due to their bad decisions. But, one thing that we all need to understand is that we are all humans. And to top it off, we're teens; we all make mistakes, especially at this time in our lives. Sure, some worse than others, but it doesn't mean that we are bad people for doing it. I'm definitively not excusing their actions because they knew to a certain extent that it was wrong. In knowing one of them, though, I can tell you that maybe doing what they did made a lot of sense to them.

I know that in this time of our lives, we often feel misunderstood and hurt, be it by our peers, parents, anyone. How people choose to deal with that pain varies; some get help from doctors and others get help from cutting. I mean, it's the hard truth, and hopefully one day we can be able to help each other in a safe way, a safe environment, with people that we trust. In any event, maybe this lead on some of the bad decisions made.

Another possibility is that of reputation; teens, especially boys, will do anything for friends, to look cool, to have that feeling. Maybe by doing this, they thought they could look better to their peers or whatever. Fact of the matter is that it has made them lose friends and possibly even their futures; definitely not worth it.

I remember when I was really good friends when one of them. I mean, he was such a good friend. I remember when he opened up to me and I TRULY got to see who he was. Sure, I've questioned his honesty about anything he has said, but it makes me feel better just trusting that that person that I met six months ago is the same person that I thought he was on the inside. I remember that he told me that he wanted to be in the navy, to help people and I thought that that was the nicest thing I'd ever heard him say. I remember some of the arguments that we had and even after, he would never call us enemies, but frienemies, whether I agreed or not. I remember how when I felt sad one day and was crying, he came by my side saying that seeing girls sad was something that he just couldn't deal with, and then cracking a joke and giving me a tissue to cheer me up. I remember him, Tracy and me just enjoying our times together as the "three musketeers" that we were. I told Tracy and she was as astonished as I was. What I remember especially was Tuesday, the last day I saw him. He walked past me and took my I.T. book and I got upset because we're not really friends anymore, so being casual like that was a little too soon after some of the things we've gotten into. At any rate, he just kept walking and said, "Kat, you should really stop writing in purple pen" and he laughed. Even though I was still irritated, I had not choice but to laugh with him; it was just so infectious. That day, he erased something that I wrote on the board and replaced it with his horrible hand writing just to jeer me. I remember the music test that we had that day where he was so nervous, since we were getting video taped, and I counted all three of his mistakes.

When I think of him, I think about all the good memories; I mean, I might never see him again. We don't hang out in the same spots, we most likely wont talk to each other anymore, so it's finished here. But I think we can all just move forward thinking about the good things that we remember, even me, the frienemy.

I don't know if anyone from my school is reading this, but if they are, take it to heart. Send him an e-mail, text, Facebook message; anything and just ask him how he's doing. See that his family's okay. Let's just be kind to one another and just move forward in a positive way. That's what's most important...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

The Challenge

Hey guys,

So I've got this new, great, fun idea that you guys can join in with to help support the blog. Like the t-shirts, it's a way to not only get word out, but for your friends and others to stand out in more ways than one.

I'm just gonna start it off with a small little challenge for all you guys to do:-

Friday, May 18th, 2012- Thursday, May 31st, 2012: Express as many aspects of yourself using the letters KATRINA LOWELL, LOVE ALWAYS, A BLOG OF OUR GENERATION, or the title of any of your favorite posts. For instance, I might do:

K - Knowledgeable 

A - Artistic

T - Talented

R - Responsible

I - Interesting

N - Nerdy

A - Author

L - Love <3

O - Optimistic

W - Welcoming

E - Energetic

L - Listener

L - Loyal

There :). But here's the details: 

1) This must be done EVERY DAY! Yep, so try to look within yourself and find as many naming qualities as you can.

2) Write them on your arms, legs, post it on a way, tape a sticky note to your desk, your locker; write it any and everywhere!

3) Decorate it, make it as unique as possible.

4) Take pictures of the finished product and post it on Google, Twitter, Facebook, Flicker; anywhere you can inspire others to join the challenge, too.

5) Last but not least, at the bottom, state a post that you were able to relate to, that made you feel something deep inside, be it sadness, love, hate, happiness, or even humor. 

I can't wait to hear how this works out! I would LOVE for you guys to tell me some of your creations in the comment box, and don't worry, I'll be doing some of my own and sharing them on June the 1st. 

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell

Opposition (part 2)

Hey readers,

So this is pretty much a continuation of my "Opposition" post. I left off describing a day when both Tony and Miranda, two good friends of mine, were addressed when it came to the ill-treatment of me. Tony seemed to have a more respectful stance since he had apologized to me, but it was still unsettling that he lied about the threat to curse my dad with his mother RIGHT THERE. Miranda, though, was a lot more verbally aggressive and I decided to cut things off then and there.

So, the next day I was feeling very at odds with myself. I wanted to talk to Tony and see if he was just acting out because there was a bigger problem at hand that, as a friend, I could help him with. I also wanted to steer clear of any anger that he might have been hiding because my dad spoke to his mom. As for Miranda, I was confident that I made a responsible decision to cut off our communication, but I was also worried that she would put her dislike of me on blast. Therefore I was hopeful, yet hopeless; angry yet calm; elated yet disappointed. I didn't know what to do.

In my car ride to school I just relaxed myself by listening to some music, taking the edge off of however I felt. I think that it sort of prepared me for what was to come; starting the day with calming music such as Adele, where when you allow yourself to get carried away in the lyrics, you find yourself lost in the story. I love that feeling and it typically leaves me dreamy for the rest of the day. Anyhow, when I arrived at school, the talk about "Tony and the parent" convo had already been spread around and the story changed millions of times.

"Katrina, did Tony really hit your dad?"; "Katrina, did your dad really cuss out Tony's mom?"; "Katrina, did Tony really bang your head into the classroom door?" NO, NO, NO! They've got it all wrong and who's to blame for this? I don't know, but I don't know how Tony decided that it was MY fault.

During our second break at school, I overheard Tony cursing my name and saying some pretty disgusting things about my family and me. I lost it when he said that I lied to my dad when I said that he had threatened to curse him. Any thoughts of having a calm talk with him went out the door and was replaced with the persistence to set him straight. I'm not saying that how I acted couldn't have been better, but if I had a chance to go back and change it, I wouldn't have. I try to encourage you guys to have a thick skin and to let certain things go and deal with things in a responsible way, but there are some times when you have to get firm; you have to let them know that you mean business and not to mess with you.

I marched right up to his face and I said, "You are a disgusting liar; don't you dare be calling me the liar in this incident because both you and I know what happened and whether you want to admit to it or not is your business, but don't drag me along." I was fuming.

"Katrina, all you've ever done is be a complete [expletive] since you've gotten your badge and nobody likes you so just shut the [expletive] up."

"What the heck is your problem kid? You think that you can curse me and threaten my dad and I'm just gonna deal with it because I see you as my 'big brother'? No way."

"When your dad is like 5'11 and I'm 6'0, he better be careful. I could easily take care of him with a big rock; in fact both him and you." At this I lost all forms of sanity. I got on my tippy-toes to reach his face and yelled as loud as I could, so that everyone could hear.

"DON'T YOU EVER THREATEN ME OR MY FAMILY EVER AGAIN, YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A WUSSY PUPPY THAT WANTS TO BE GROWLING AT EVERYONE, BUT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING. IN FACT, SINCE YOU FEEL YOU'RE BAD, HIT ME THEN. LAY A FINGER ON ME!" They were staring at me like I was going crazy, but I was so infuriated. How could someone that I trusted so much be so bad to me?

"You mean nothing to me anymore, Katrina; nothing. In fact, I hate you!" and with that he walked away. I suddenly felt a searing pain in my heart, like I just lost a part of my family. Indeed I had, and since then I regret ever getting my badge. I know that it has let me see who people truly are; how people will act when you are in your lowest of lows, but I still miss that brotherly feeling he gave me. I always felt safe with him around, like I could tell him anything and likewise. Sometimes even partners in crime. I really miss him, or who he seemed to be, I won't lie, but I can't easily forgive what he has said to and about me. I can't let it slide.

Miranda came immediately after and I lost it again when I saw her showing people the note I gave her. I didn't quite feel ashamed of what I wrote on it to where others can't see it, but I felt betrayed anyways. I felt like she wasn't mature enough to remain quiet with it. It felt just as bad as if it were a personal letter. I walked right up to her, snatched it from her and tore it to pieces. Then I screamed at her, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes. "How could you? I'm supposed to be able to trust you and yet you're here, talking bad about me, showing everyone this letter that was meant for you?"

She shrugged, "you should know me by now."

"Yes I do and what I know is exactly what I wrote int he letter that you showed everyone and while everyone is here, I can honestly say out loud that Miranda is a selfish, untrustworthy little brat and that is why she has no friends. I mean look; everyone knows how good I've treated her, but she's even come stabbing me in the back. Doesn't that say a lot. But you know what, Miranda? Don't ever ask to talk to me again or for help or anything. You, at this point mean nothing; NOTHING to me."

I then started to walk away but then I heard her yell behind me, "You're just a [expletive] American girl who feels that she's better than everyone else." I turned right around and she stepped up to me. I didn't back down; in fact I moved in closer. "Curse at me one more time and it's a fight. You might as well swing at me little girl. No? Okay then; keep your disgusting language to yourself and get out of my sight!"

After that I broke down. I felt like I got a double whammy. I felt betrayed and completely disrespected. I was hurt, I mean, gosh darn, I'm human. On top of that, I'm a teenage girl; you might as well kill me now. It was just all too much, so much even that my friend, Kayla, started to cry with me. It wasn't easy, but it needed to be done. I needed to stand up for myself and if my calm assertiveness wasn't enough, I needed to step to their level. Believe it or not, it doesn't end here. Stay tuned for the next part of my story within the week; there's bound to be more drama, I know it.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Opposition

Hey guys,

So I just wanted to touch on a topic that has recently become an issue for me personally. Opposition is pretty much when people oppose you or go against you, be it for a good reason or bad. I feel that within the last two weeks I have felt this more than anything.

So I became form captain, the same role as the girl that I described a lot earlier in my posts were she was an annoying girl that told people what to do? Yeah, that's me. Now, this was my goal for the entire year, so I was ecstatic that I was chosen for the role and whatnot. Now, I am to be a role model and a supervisor; do what the school rules say and encourage the others to do the same. Simple, eh? Well not really. Everyone was upset at the fact that I became form captain for whatever reason, and so I immediately got the whole "I don't have to listen to you" attitude from everyone, but I stayed respectful in saying "please do what the school rules ask and nothing else." Simple and sweet. Anyhow, this went on for about a week with the opposition getting progressively worse. People who got into trouble or that I spoke to would curse me, bump me with their shoulders, slam doors in my face, take things off of my desk, yell at me and altogether disrespect me behind my back. Here's the thing; the two main people doing this were the two people that I held so dear to me as friends. Remember Tony? Yep, he was a main contributor to the ill treatment that I got as well as a girl named Miranda, a very close "friend" of mine. 

Miranda started acting up by giving me unnecessary attitude towards any sort of helpful direction that I gave her and up to about last week, I even treated her with more respect than many others because I felt that as my friend she would have my back; wrong. I even overheard her calling me curse words with Tony and some other  classmates, the utmost disrespect. Therefore, I did something that I thought I would share with you all. I know myself better than anyone else, so I knew that if I needed to address anything with her that my frustration, hurt, and anger that I had bottled up inside might explode on her if she said anything to irritate me, so I simply calmed down by writing down my feelings in a letter format to her using calm and reasonable words. I remember it saying that I didn't respect the way that I was being treated because I felt that she was being selfish, disrespectful, and altogether a terrible friend. Therefore, I wanted to discontinue the friendship and that I would rather her not contact me via e-mail, telephone, or any other media. When I was done I felt that what I wrote was well-enough said that I could give it to her. I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not; in fact, it was sort of my test to her, but she didn't know it. 

I am a very good friend, and so I put myself in my friends' shoes, trying to see if they are truly good a friend as I am. In giving her this letter, I expected a few things. For instance, if it were me and I truly valued this person, I would feel disturbed that the person felt hurt in any way by my actions. If I knew that I was harsh, then I would think it over within myself and if I didn't know what it was, then I would go and ask in a polite way to talk about it, to see if anything was misunderstood. Then the first thing I would do is apologize and sure, in a heated moment like that, I might get brushed off, but I would ask to talk about it in a calm way, when things cool down. In all, that  is the responsible thing to do, right? But let's look at Miranda's response to this situation.

Miranda came straight to my desk and said, "Katrina, I'm not being disrespectful; I'm just speaking my mind and you can't handle that. Everyone here thinks that you've been a real [expletive] and I'm starting to be in agreement." To that I responded, "and that is why I want us to discontinue this because the same way you are talking to me now is not okay with me. I don't appreciate it, Miranda." With that she stormed off and acted like it never happened. Have you made the comparison yet?

Tony is another one; at the end of the day, he's a 6 foot teenage boy so certain things, like cussing me and making physical contact, be it a bump to the arm or a slam of a door directly in my face, shows an amazing amount of disrespect for females. You would swear that I got into something with his mother; he was so intense over nothing! Anyways, my dad noticed this and nipped it in the bud by having a discussion with one of his parents. During this time, he told me with many people around, "If your dad does anything stupid, I'm going to curse at him." I was appalled, so I told my dad, warning him to watch certain things. Being very upset at the comment, my dad brought it up with his parent and to this, Tony blatantly lied with his mother right there. "Oh no, Mr. Lowell; I would never do such a thing!" When in reality, Tony is just a big fat liar. 

As you can see, I have witnessed the true colors of these two individuals and while I valued their friendship, I value respect a lot more.When you do some of the things as I have described, it shows me that I don't mean anything to you and that hurts me deep, deep down in my heart. I have no desire to reconcile a friendship or even an acquaintance sort of relationship with either of them; I feel that they have crossed my line of what is right and what is wrong. And those of you who know me on a personal level, this is not "my side of the story," but rather a lesson learned that I'd like to share with you. A lesson in dealing with opposition, be it the lowest points or the points of triumph. When you feel like you're all alone and nobody cares enough to lend you an ear because their egos are too dang big that they get in the way. But it doesn't end there; this is only part one of my story. Say tuned for more within this week and if you know how I feel, stay strong; I've been having to do a lot of that recently.

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell