Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Beautiful- Chapter 9

Just then I realized that I was crying. I quickly turned around and wiped at my face, trying to hide the tears before Brey saw them. It kinda irritated me how self conscious I was around him. I mean, he was just a boy, right? Anyhow, when I finally got myself together I played it cool, like I didn't see him coming and only turned around to check that I had my Chem. homework (you'd think that'd be the telltale sign that I was hiding something; Katrina- checking for homework. Lol, PLEASE!). He was headed towards me with this amazing flower arrangement that at a glance looked like shooting stars. He approached me and grinned awkwardly. We just stood there and looked at each other, both of us waiting to see who was going to say something first. I didn't realize that I had fallen into the Dark Carmel sea that was his eyes until he shoved the flowers into my hands. I snapped out of my trance, smiled and looked down at them. They were beautiful, they really were. Just then Brey finally broke the silence.

"My mom... She does flower arrangements. I... I thought you'd like this one. I mean, you might not, so I don't want to be presumptuous, but it's okay if you don't I just-" he started to babble and I was starting to feel bad for ignoring his messages, so I just hugged him. I didn't know why; it was almost an involuntary action. Hugging him felt like being tucked under a warm blanket; so natural, so real, so unusual to me.

"Thank you, Breyson. They're perfect," I muttered while still firmly in his grasp. When I finally let go, he looked at me like he did the night before and my heart sank. Although I didn't want to leave, I hurried off, and as my shuffling feet headed down the street, Brey stopped me.
"You're gonna have to talk to me sometime." I turned around slowly and tried to avoid his eye contact. He was right, but I was just scared that he was say all the wrong things and make me... Disappointed. I didn't want to rock the boat, but I shrugged my shoulders in hidden agreement.
"I guess so. But what is there to talk about?" He put his hands in his pocket, obviously as uncomfortable as I was. "I- I want to explain myself and get you to really hear me out because last night I felt a connection- a gravitational pull- with you and I'd hate to lose it."

I hesitated, knowing that maybe I should just tell this kid to beat it and find someone new, but as with everything lately, I bit my lip and nodded. "How about lunch? Lord knows Van won't be keeping me company today." He pursed his lips as he pondered. "I've got a better idea."


"Lol, you know how to drive?" I stood there starring at the banged up piece of metal on wheels that Brey called his "baby." At that point, the question was more directed to the car than it was to him.
"Of course. I am 16 you know. The real question is are you daring enough to ride with me?" He had that cheesy bad boy smirk on his face. I didn't know what to say. I mean, skipping school was a normal occasion for me, but in Brey's car, with me still so unsure about things? I just didn't know. He saw me picking at my lip in worry and ran over, taking my backpack and throwing it in his trunk. I couldn't help but laugh at him as he sped around like an idiot when I was about to say yes. Crossing my arms, I glared at him playfully. "And we're skipping school to go where?" His eyes opened wide.

"Skipping school. Not quite what I had in mind." He rubbed the back of his neck in confusion. He wasn't the only one; "Brey." I looked at him seriously. "You mean to tell me that you're driving two blocks to our school because you felt the need to drop me off... When I live two blocks away?" I said it sarcastically, expecting a more realistic response, but he actually nodded. I roared with laughter. I mean, he really was a dork. He started to question my outburst, but I cut him off. "Just shut up and drive."

The drive was short and awkward because although we seemed to be playing around and over it, it was obvious that joking was our way of avoiding the inevitable. When we got to the school parking lot, only about eight or nine cars accompanied us. That's when it occurred to me; it was 8:00 and school didn't start for another hour and a half. Usually I was up at Van's house until late in the mornings and that's why time had completely slipped my mind.

The place was so quiet. It was almost surreal how during the day the place sounded like a crowded rave when it otherwise was completely silent and deserted. It didn't help that Brey and I sat silent for a while either. To be honest, the lack of sound started to eat me alive, so I finally blurted out what I was covering up the whole morning. Without looking him in his eyes, I said, "last night you took me to the park, got me ice cream, showed me the stars, and nearly kissed me. You made me feel like something... Something amazing was going to happen to me for once. You made me feel beautiful. Why?" I finally brought myself to turn and look at him. He was focused on the bouquet in my lap.

"I felt something with you that I haven't had with anyone else. I just wanted-" my eyes welled up with emotion and I held them with all of my power, trying not to unintentionally go off on him like I seemed to always do to people. "I know what you wanted, Brey, but what about what I wanted? Better yet what Danielle wants?" Brey narrowed his eyes and grumbled. "Danielle and I are done. I just can't bring myself to tell her. I mean, she's nice and all, but she's super clingy and controlling. We've been together for six months and broken up like twelve times. I was going to end it on our last date but- she was just too sweet to let down." I didn't know whether he was right or wrong in what he was doing.

"Brey; she deserves a fair break up like anyone else. I mean, it would hurt her more if she had found out that you were cheating on her." I felt better about the situation, though. Letting my feelings go in a more reasonable way actually felt good. Brey reached for my hand, and I pulled it away.

"What is it that you want me to do?" Brey gazed deep into my eyes, nervously. "I want you to trust in me when I say that you're beautiful and I know that we need to slow WAY down, but at least maybe one day we'll be together. But most of all, I want you and I to form a friendship. You're the only one I've ever felt comfortable with enough to tell my story, and that makes you special to me." It was so genuine and relieving to hear him say those things; to be honest, I was touched. In all my life I had never been admired or even seen as special the way he saw me for no reason and it felt amazing. So amazing I even shed a tear. I was so disappointed in myself for being such a pansy. I mean really, CRYING SO MUCH IN ONE DAY! Before I knew it, I was in another flashback, but this time it was different- it wasn't from rage but from love.


Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

P.S. once again folks, some odd editing due to blogging on my IPod, but if when I look at it on the computer tomorrow it looks too jacked up, then I'll edit it properly. Sorry about that :S.
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