This is more of a solemn post today. It's about the loss of a friend. If you're familiar with my old "Journal of our Generation" posts, you'd remember a post discussing this. The loss of a friendship isn't a very pleasant thing and being a girl, this includes many tears, loads of hurt feelings and silent treatments lasting eons. Here's where it all began...
So lately, to be honest, I've been sucked into some drama because I just can't control my emotions. I've kinda been feeling down and homesick for some reason recently and it's got me on edge, so if someone says or does something, no matter how small, I blow it out of proportion and no, it isn't right and I've been working on it, but I guess Kayla and Bella (one of my other friends) have decided to distance themselves from me.
Of all the ways to find out that your two "best friends" want to get away from you, hearing that they plan on moving halfway across the classroom away from you doesn't feel peachy. My form teacher let me know what was happening and I just felt numb. I didn't know if I should've felt sad, angry, indifferent, understanding, and all of the other feelings. I was so shocked that it felt like I should've known. At any rate, I didn't want to talk about it, but my form teacher insisted that we did.
During our break we were brought in to discuss it. That day I learned that I was a controlling, insensitive, overbearing, non-censored person whom they no longer could deal with. Now, I could waste my time trying to convince you guys that they were insane in saying this stuff, but I'd rather not. I mean, I argued against it today because I was furious; some say hurt or whatever, but no- I was infuriated. Infuriated at the fact that instead of talking to me about anything they just wanted to pick up and leave me to figure things out on my own. I mean, they say that I need friends to get through things and yet the very two that I hold close want to be leaving. I just didn't get it. I will be honest, I didn't pay enough attention to their thoughts during the meeting, but I fought against everything because I just wanted it to be over and done with before I cried or said something I didn't mean because I was so upset. It was a screwed up situation, honestly...
I will say two things; first of all, yes I was upset at Kayla and Belle because since I considered them to be my close friends, I expected more than this from them. However, I'm over it; I mean, if they decided to keep my friendship tomorrow, I wouldn't refuse, but I would scale back. I would have to put them back to the starting point on my friendship meter because I need to learn to trust that they won't just pick up and leave like they did last time. I mean, I try not to hold grudges and I'm open to ye ol' reconciliation, but after three weeks? They seem fine without me, so why should I go and crash the party? In fact, sometimes, the way Belle looks at me is like she wants me to come and talk to them, but I'm sorry; I didn't see any problems with our friendship, ones that would cause ME to just walk away without saying a word, so please explain to me why I should take the initiative to work things out when you're the ones that broke it as far as I'm concerned.
I feel like this- I think that they all feel as if I don't value their friendship and please believe me, that's not the case. However, with a situation like this, it felt like they expected me to apologize for having the drama that I had and promise them that it won't happen again. Now, if they had been dragged into this drama and their lives made harder by me, absolutely! An apology would be headed their way immediately. When it comes to MY life an MY repercussions, then no; I don't owe anything to anyone. If that we're the game that we were playing, then they would've been made to promise to not make any mistakes this year, a promise obviously broken because nobody's perfect. The best that I could do was make it known that I was trying my best for ME and that if that wasn't good enough, then tough luck.
I guess it was harder at the start of it all because I felt a great deal of confusion, hurt and guilt, but after a while I felt stronger and I began to meet new people. I was once in a tight knit group of girls and with them I felt comfortable, but with them out on their own, I had to leave my comfort zone and try out new things. Sometimes that meant lunch alone with a book, but it's okay; In fact, I still sometimes do hang by myself, but I won't let it get me down. It took a lot of strength to do the right thing and do what was good for me, which was giving my old friendship an extended vacation or quite possibly a break off altogether, but I got stronger and it made me appreciate Amber's friendship even more. She might be the only one I have sometimes, but we practically grew up together; cried together, laughed together, and sometimes even fought with each other, but she always turns back around and gives me a hug, apologizing sometimes even for nothing because even though we feel like what we're mad about is big, our friendship is bigger than this whole world and we made it work. Maybe Kayla and Belle don't feel the same way about our friendship, and that's fine- not every friendship is the same, but I think that the hardest thing about this is that they just said goodbye...
Love Always <3,
P.s. if my sign off isn't purple or italicized, then I'm on my iPod. Just though you should know just in case it looks weird on the computer :).