Tuesday, January 8, 2013

For Once I Honestly Don't Know What To Do

Hey guys,

I don't think I've ever been open about my "love life" (however non-existent it is) and that's because I never feel comfortable talking about it. Maybe with a couple friends, sure, but it makes me feel... Vulnerable. The mushiness within me when I'm crushing on a guy makes me uncomfortable. But that's just me, right? Anyhow, there's someone that I recently got over (or so I thought) named Steven (not really, but you know the deal) and he's amazing.

Most girls aren't into him because he's not the average hottie with the six pack and killer smile, but he's one of the sweetest boys I've gotten to know. In fact, he is at times one of my very best friends. The fact that he's always been there for me, to listen when I cry, to laugh with me, to care about what I have to say and to know that I'll do the same for him kinda made me fall for him. Being dumb, I finally told my former friend Kayla and in a roundabout way she told him how I felt. At first I was really awkward and felt nauseated at the sight of him because I was afraid that I'd be hurt by something he said now that he knew. However, after a while I got over it and life went on as normal.

A little while later, he asked me if I liked him and I had to be honest. I told him that I did and not knowing what to expect, my heart dropped when he told me that he didn't feel that way about me and that he really liked Alia, something I knew all too well. I wasn't upset... I was just kind of jealous. I mean, at any rate, dating isn't allowed in my household so it wouldn't make a difference if he did like me, but he's infatuated with her and she treats him like trash. It's actually made me hate her for it.

It's almost funny how he loves her. She's a year above him with long, curly, dark hair and a kind, soft spoken demeanor. She's an actress and does very well in school; however, she's not in the mainstream crew at my school and hence not really an option for most of the boys. She's pretty, talented and smart; I get that, but she's missing one vital ingredient- Steven. She treats him like a little brother. Always shooing him away and reprimanding him for being himself. She never stands up for him and treats him like a pet almost. Yet, everyday he's by her side, determined to get with her and likewise is seen by himself within the next 15 minutes wallowing in a broken heart.

It puzzles me why I hurt so much when I see him broken up and so angry over this girl. I feel his pain almost; caring so much for someone you know will never see you as anything more than as a friend. But he gets so depressed and emotionally vacant and it brings tears to my eyes. I don't get it! Why does it matter so much to me?

What hurt me the most was hearing that over the break she got together with Steven's best friend and it tore him apart. He was so upset that he confessed to one of my friends that he doesn't even want to live anymore. In an effort to get through to him, that friend told me and I wanted to run away. I was so scared and confused and just plain angry. Why was she destroying him? The one person that I find to be honest, funny, sensitive, understanding and just altogether beautiful in the world is just a toy to this chick.

As I said earlier, I'm over him; I find it useless to chase someone who doesn't like you. It just results in Steven's predicament. However, I still feel sad when he hurts and I would do anything in the world for him (as long as it wasn't illegal and/or dangerous to myself and/or others of course). He means so much to me and I don't know why, but what I know is that I need to help him. He's too involved with this idea of him and this girl and his desires are killing him inside and it will if he sits and watches the person he's in love with develop a romantic relationship with his best friend; it would kill anyone with a beating heart.

This post goes out to all of you, male or female, who break your own hearts by clinging on to someone who doesn't see you the way you see them. My philosophy is that in knowing that I am a beautiful, confident, intelligent, talented, young girl, I can't feel bad about myself because someone doesn't like me. No way! I'm Katrina- and I don't roll like that.

Besides that, this is to those who take this love thing to such a serious level to where the idea of losing someone makes you want to harm yourself or others. Don't do it; hurting everyone who cares about you because one insignificant human being (not even someone like god, for instance) has disappointed you isn't worth it. A great example is one that is a mainstream topic right now.

Justin Bieber was allegedly seen in a photo smoking a "spliff" (marijuana cigarette) and it was posted on the Internet. Of course it has gone viral and the issue has hit twitter, the easiest website to use to get through to the Biebs. Anyhow, so this one guy starts a hash tag that in and of itself is disgusting- #CutForBieber. In effect, he's trying to get young Bieber fans to cut themselves and post photos of their bleeding arms on Twitter, asking Justin Bieber to stop smoking or else they will continue to cut themselves. Now, this is ridiculous not only because this guy that started this trend is a complete and total idiot, but because us as teenage girls- intelligent, beautiful and confident- are actually participating in this trend. Self harming for what? For a chance to change the love of your "love's" life WHILE potentially destroying yours? It makes no sense. This is exactly what I'm talking about, and my point is seen clearer when I relate it to celebrity crushes. When there is someone that you like that has millions of other people after them, you have a 1/1,000,000th chance of being the girl/boy that they pick. If they don't pick you, you can't just break down and become irrational (like many young girls did with Justin and Selena, sending her death threats and all sorts of foolishness). You've gotta be strong and move on. I think if you believe in true love, knowing that one day that special person will come along, you will be able to move on and accept that life is like that. People come and go, but if it's meant to be, the person that is for you will always be there. So stop sweating it and knocking yourself down over rejection. Get back up and have faith in a fairy tale ending... Everyone has one...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

P.S.- IM BACK! LOL, I'm so sorry for being out for so long. I've just been so busy with a bunch of other things- between school and my volunteering job I've had very little time for myself recently. I mean, I played with Waffle for the first time in weeks last night. He's been put on the back burner, too, but I've got a 4- day weekend coming up in a few weeks and so I'm gonna focus on having a good time. Granted, I still have to work two out of the four days I have off, but I'll have my cousin come and help me, cutting my five hour days to two and a half. Anyhow, take a peek at my KBC blog today. That blog has, like, dust and cobwebs, LOL. I feel really bad about it, but I'm gonna dedicate some time for it today and post at least two posts. I might put up a couple more posts on this blog, too (while I'm at it) and make up for some of the time I've been gone. Well, Happy Blogging!
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