I am not perfect. I hurt. I sin. I laugh. I curse sometimes. I try. I fall. I win. I lose. I love. I lose some more. I hate. I cry. I sigh. I breathe. I smile. I remember. I fake a smile. I talk. I ignore. I shun. I fall into hypocrisy. I sing. I write. I lie. I cheat. I dream. I often live the nightmares. I reach. I touch. I hold on. I let it slip. I hurt again. I sin again. I try to laugh again. I curse at the cycle. I try to be positive. I fall downnn. I finally win. I lose again. I love. I lose that battle. I hate him- I hate me. I cry to ease the pressure. I finish it off with a sigh. I breathe again. I smile for real. I remember him. I fake a smile this time. I talk to them. I ignore him. I shun the world. I fall into hypocrisy, hating a world that made me. I sing to give my feelings a melody. I write to give my feelings a voice. I lie when I say it's okay. I cheat myself out of happiness. I dream of Revelation 21:4. I live the nightmares of 2 Corinthians 12:7. I reach for religion. I touch His hand. I hold on. But then... again I let it slip- for I am not perfect.
I am Katrina. I hope I'm beautiful. I know I'm intelligent. I know I make mistakes. I know that I try. I know that God has a name. I hope that he can remember mine. I know that he will remember mine. I can see my faults. I love easily. I love honestly. I love in order to be loved- to feel loved, rather. I fall hard. I feel broken. I feel broken. I get up. I get up. I get up. I fall back down. I feel BROKEN. I know that I'm not. I let go but... I remember. I get frustrated. I want to move on. I want to be happy. I want to scream. I want to smile. I want to hold a hand sometimes. I want to know what "un abrazo fuerte" is- not just in English, but a universal language. I want "besos" in the language of love. I want to feel something. I think I feel it sometimes. But... that was lust last time I checked- for once again, I am not perfect.
I see. I hope. I dream. I read. I note. I laugh. I'm me. I still hurt sometimes. I still sin. But I try, and I'll win. I pray. I succeed. I have faith. I believe. I cry. I wish upon shooting stars. I talk to the moon. I envision. I live. I learn. I apply. I write. I bleed- ink. I anchor- sink. I stress- drink. I re-think. Orange juice and Malibu engulf my mind. I finally see clearly through that empty glass and guess what I find-
I am Katrina, imperfect, but it's fine. Why? Because life- I see it through these perfect EYES of mine...
So I don't know how many of you have been following my Google + recently, but I've been posting quite a bit about this "#POETICJUSTICE," and I only just realized that many of you guys probably have no idea what I mean by it, or even what the phrase in and of itself means. So, in this post, I'll give you the whole shake down.
Poetic justice is a literary device used to portray consequence for ones actions- which is where the "justice" comes in. However, as it is poetic, there's a certain rhythm or art to it, and the justice isn't always negative. It's pretty much like if you do something good, you get good in return. Just as well, if you do bad, you get bad as a result.
I've had another interpretation of this phrase not only because of the song, "Poetic Justice" by Kendrick Lamar, or more specifically the remix by Lyric 145, but just the way it sounds. What if love was described as being "poetic justice?" What if it was so rhythmic, artistic and beautiful that it felt like what you've been waiting for for so long, but were never able to achieve? That's what "poetic justice" means to ME.
That being said, I've been thinking about it a lot because I've realized more of what I want in a guy as I get older and that's one that is good with words- someone who's not afraid to be artistic and who treasures the simple gifts of just being... poetic. I've always thought about it- like, being a writer, I've always wondered if I should've stopped with the jocks and tried someone more down to earth, like a writer or a musician but I never did. I always ended up settling and now I really regret it because that's a type of love that probably would've done me well.
So, the question remains- why am I so interested in this whole idea NOW? Well, because I've fallen for a rapper, LOL.
So, I know this guy personally and he's just the coolest thing ever. We never used to talk before because yeah- I'm the nerdy blogger that hides behind huge glasses and surrounds herself with a gang load of teenage boys as friends. I never thought that he'd ever be interested in talking to me. I mean, besides the occasional "hello" or the inquiry for a piece of gum or a mento, our paths never crossed.
To top it off, he's oober talented. Like, just hearing his music made my skin tingle. I immediately got this sense of "he's so outta my league here like I'd be DISRESPECTFUL even trying to talk to him." That's a lot of junk, by the way, because that whole "league" talk is soooo superficial and self demeaning. At any rate, that's how I felt, so I forgot about him entirely... until recently.
We talked; we had a legit conversation about music and his plans for the future and it felt like he was everything I had wanted when I thought about poetic justice. But, his bus came and he left and I was right where I left off. It felt pretty sad at the time because there was something in him that you don't see too often, and I'll tell you why.
Boys nowadays have this narcissistic view to the world, especially love and relationships. Their main goal is to figure out how to get you to do what they want you to do. They try every card in the pack, trying to see if you're self conscious or if you trust easily or if you're afraid of something- they get into you're head in order to get YOU into their bed. It's a sick reality that we as girls need to acknowledge early on to avoid heart break. That's why I'm jaded when it comes to athletes; all of them have been like that to me. It leads me to believe that they don't really focus on the importance of their words past how saying them benefits them. However, with guys that are writers, musicians, and artists, they have a more rounded view of things. Like, it's not like a great deal of them aren't retards, too, but they often have a gentler approach and they speak from the heart.
That's what I saw in this guy. Let's call him Daniel. Daniel is just everything. He's so cute, with the perfect smile and this kind of chill disposition. He's not all too inviting, not in a bad way, but he's shy in a way where he won't show it, but he just won't approach you and so he seems unapproachable. He's so clever when it comes to expressing himself. Even in the jokes that he tells, he's just really smart although he's quick to deny it. When he likes a girl, he treats her like porcelain; he's gentle, soft spoken, kind, and just an all around gentleman.
He likes me. And, as you can see, I like him a lot, but I guess prior mistakes have lead me to watch my step and to keep him an arms-width away. But I have felt this so called poetic justice, be it in the way he calls me beautiful for no apparent reason or perhaps his blatant honesty, no matter how dorky it makes him look. He's genuine and amazing to me, and I'm just really glad that he's around so that if not myself in the future, another deserving girl will be lucky enough to experience what a real guy gives.
#POETICJUSTICE, guys, is what you should focus on. Don't just tell her that she's got a killer body and that you love to kiss her and you want to be around her- make her feel it. Add some rhythm and life to it, love her like it's poetry written in blood on her heart. Give her exactly what she deserves as a girl, which is a guy she can depend on and trust, a guy who likes her for who she is on the inside foremost, a guy that thinks the world of her and isn't afraid to be considered "sensitive" in order to make it known.
As for Daniel, I don't really know what to say. I guess, if I had the chance, I would say thank you for making this past week so special. I guess I lost a lot of self confidence with the ending of my last relationship, especially in HOW it ended, and it has felt like I've been given that extra push that I needed to build myself back up and move on. You often forget how nice it is to hear certain things, no matter how small they are, but it really is nice. No matter how much I think you're lying sometimes or I just think "okay- he's saying this because he's a boy and boys have been literally trained for this their whole lives," it still feels good to know that I'm appreciated and that someone enjoys my company as much as I do theirs. I hope that we can be friends for a long while because you're the type of guy that I duct tape to my wrist, LOL. I'm kidding, but seriously- you're a really great guy, and I know that from experience. Your one telling trait is your humility. You don't expect too much from a girl and you respect her as an individual. You don't tell yourself, "Hey- I'm sexy Daniel and I deserve a chick just as sexy who will do this and that for me because... hell- I'M DANIEL, THAT'S WHY!" You truly are just all around awesome and I appreciate all that you've done for me so far- even the things you don't even realize you did.
So... that's it guys. That's my little condensed reasoning behind my overuse of this hashtag, hehehehe. Hope it has all made sense... sorta. Thanks for reading :'D.
Also, welcome newcomers! I'm stoked that you guys have been visiting my blog and I hope you enjoy my posts. It means a lot to me that you're here...
So this is a really short post just letting you guys know that I have really began to focus on my Google + page as it is not only a quicker way for me to post little things that I think up, but also as a window into my everyday life for you guys. It's almost like my Twitter, in a sense. Anyhow, go ahead, check out my page and follow me- I accept all requests and I post EVERY DAY without fail. That's where the true Katrina emerges, be it my music obsession or random posted quotes or even some of my close friends who have commented on my posts. It's a lot of fun- I spent the whole day yesterday on it #ADDICTED. Anyhow, the link is here, +Katrina . Hope to be able to share more with you guys :).
Love Always and Forever <3, Katrina Lowell
P.S. BONJOUR FRANCE! HALLO DEUTSCHLAND! ЗДРАВО СРБИЈА! AND CZEŚĆ POLSKA!
I love to see that my blog is reaching further across the world. I hope that you guys enjoy this blog and keep reading- I'm not always super up to date with my posts, but check out the link above ^^ for something new every day. Thanks for visiting my blog and I send my love <3.
AU REVOIR! LEBEWOHL! ЗБОГОМ! AND POŻEGNANIE!
XOXOXOXOX (At least I know that THAT'S universal, LOL)
So I can easily say that the music scene has changed quite a bit this year and I was there every step of the way. Do I think that it changed for the best? Not necessarily; I mean, besides the obsession with Twerking, Miley Cyrus, and the correlation between the two, there were so many songs that were just so... bleh. However, a few lyricists have risen out of the rubble and drawn my attention. At any rate, although its well into 2014, I'd like to introduce to you "The Best and Worst of 2013 in Music According To Katrina."
DANCE TRACKS
So you guys know my take on dance tracks- I think that it's possible to join quality lyrics, vocal ability AND a strong bassline to create an incredibly amazing song to rave to. However, I think that maybe I'm the only person out there that thinks so. I mean... nowadays you have the WORST LYRICS EVER to a really sweet track and they put it out there to be played on the radio and in clubs obviously desensitizing us to what is ridiculous. So yeah- I have quite a few selections that I think either did a good job at balancing when it came to the top three elements of a song that I pay attention to or were just so hype that I had to admit that despite the crap lines, it was beast.
1. #SELFIE By The Chainsmokers
.____. Although this song was released this year, it was recorded last year and it's just worthy of the disgrace I'm about to give it. Who in the world came up with this song? Like yes- sometimes you just want a song to laugh at but this was just so bad that it was painful! And to top it off, all of my friends say that I talk like the girl in the song. I can't take it. It's just next level bad. Plus- does anyone realize how this just completely masticates and swallows our WHOLE generation in three minutes and fourty-three seconds? Look at the title of my blog- "Katrina Lowell- The Blog of our GENERATIONNNNNNN". Like what the hell. Now my parents hear that song and look at me with that "I told you so" look on their faces; I've been trying to convince them that our generation isn't all that bad- like we're bad but hey; back in my parents' day, they wore their clothes back-to-front like Kris Kross. Now they hear that song and they say, "ohhh, not only are they retarded, but they're brain dead and stupid, too." I can't even comment on the redundancy of their comments because that song was repetitively giving us a bad name.
You know it's bad when Katrina brings up the lyrics but I just need to do this- I can't help myself.
"#SELFIE"
When Jason was at the table I kept on seeing him look at me while he was with that other girl Do you think he was just doing that to make me jealous?
(And the superficiality surfaces...) Because he was totally texting me all night last night and I don't know if it's a booty call or not So... like what do you think?
(LOL you REALLY wanna know what I think? I think you're a dunce tbh)
Did you think that girl was pretty? How did that girl even get in here? Do you see her? She's so short and that dress is so tacky Who wears Cheetah?
(At 5'4 and a lover of animal prints I take STRONG offence. Like what's wrong with being short and appreciating the occasional African theme?) It's not even summer, why does the DJ keep on playing "Summertime Sadness"?
(This... well you know... I kind of agree :/ Please don't judge me) After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette? I really need one
(But I don't think you want gingivitis, lung cancer, heart disease...) But first, LET ME TAKE A SELFIE
(And this is probably the worst part of all) [Beat drops]
Can you guys help me pick a filter? I don't know if I should go with XX Pro or Valencia I wanna look tan
(Hmmm... maybe some sun??) What should my caption be? I want it to be clever How about "Livin' with my *******, hash tag LIVE"
(OMG cuz that is soooo clever like #YEAH #SMARTBAE) I only got 10 likes in the last 5 minutes Do you think I should take it down?
(Bust it for the likes, bust it open for the likessss) LET ME TAKE ANOTHER SELFIE
[Beat drops]
Wait, pause, Jason just liked my selfie What a creep
(Well, since you seem to be obsessing over this guy, I wonder what that says about you...) Is that guy sleeping over there? Yeah, the one next to the girl with no shoes on That's so ratchet
(OH THE IRONYYYY) That girl is such a fake model She definitely bought all her Instagram followers Who goes out on Mondays?
(.-. you?) OK, let's go take some shots Oh no, I feel like I'm gonna throw up Oh wait, nevermind I'm fine Let's go dance
(Either she's drunk or her attention span is similar to that of a squirrel in its adolescent stage) There's no vodka at this table Do you know anyone else here? Oh my god, Jason just texted me Should I go home with him? I guess I took a good selfie
(What the hell am I hearing like fuh real? Being this shallow should be a crime) Selfie [on repeat]
LET ME TAKE A SELFIE
Okay, yeah... this is officially the WORST dance track of 2013. Hands down.
2. Dance The Pain Away By Benny Benassi (ft. John Legend)
Benny Benassi is not just a DJ, but a man that knows what he's doing when it comes to music. He's been behind songs like "Satisfaction," "Beautiful People (ft Chris Brown)" and "Cinema (ft Gary Go)." "Cinema," especially, was a song that I though was lyrically amazing because it was just beautifully written. This song is more relevant to raving, but this time with a John Legend spin. John Legend has one of the best voices of our time. It's so smooth and effortlessly on point. Not only that, but John Legend is an incredibly talented songwriter and that's probably why this song was able to achieve such a perfect balance that it became a favorite of mine.
This is one of the BEST dance tracks of 2013.
3. Bassline Junkie By Dizzee Rascal
This is one of those that sounds ridiculous but is sooo worthy of a mention because while the lyrics weren't exactly awe inspiring nor clean, they were really clever. Not only that, but it's a track that FORCES you to dance. You know those people that wear headphones and walk around showing no expression or anything? This song isn't for them if they don't wanna make a fool of themselves at the bus stop. Without further ado, I'll let the words speak for themselves.
"Bassline Junkie"
Hey turn the bass up, turn the bass up Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass Big dirty stinking bass, Dirty, dirty stinking, Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass Big dirty stinking bass, Bass, bass, bass, bass
[Chorus:] I don’t need no speed, no I don’t need no heroin, no thanks I don’t want no coke, not today You can keep your ketamine, yeah I’m a bassline junkie, what? I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again And I like it funky
Don't touch it, who told you to touch it? I will ******* kill you, don't ever touch that **** again
I’m a fiend for a big dirty bassline When I hear one I have a great time A bit of butterman's all I require I let the bassline take me higher My friends think that it’s a bad habit, damn it If you take my bass away I’ll blow your ******* face away, easy! You might think I’m over the top But when I hear that bassline drop I just can’t control my actions But I still feel satisfaction So don’t come around here whinging I just wanna hear the bassline rinsin Or we can just skank out all day If not get the **** out my way
[Chorus:] I don’t need no speed, no I don’t need no heroin, no thanks I don’t want no coke, not today You can keep your ketamine, yeah I’m a bassline junkie, what? I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again And I like it funky Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass Big dirty stinking bass, Dirty, dirty stinking, Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass Big dirty stinking bass, Bass, bass, bass
The other day I got an ASBO order And I think it’s well out of order All my neighbors throwing a fit So I told them **** my **** And I told them I got the power And I turn the music up louder All night till 6 in the morning Old bastards, they just boring You know me, I’m the bassline father Nobody can tell me neither And the police turned up and they took me We drove out to the nick and they booked me Then they said they'd give me a caution If I didn’t give them no distortion But I said don’t bother, I’m guilty And my bassline's ******* filthy
[Chorus:] I don’t need no speed, no I don’t need no heroin, no thanks I don’t want no coke, not today You can keep your ketamine, yeah I’m a bassline junkie, what? I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again I don’t like it funky Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass Big dirty stinking bass, Dirty, dirty stinking, Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass Big dirty stinking bass, Bass, bass, bass Bass, bass, bass Bass, bass, bass.
4. Bring The Noize By M.I.A
This song would have beaten "Dance The Pain Away," however it's profanity inhibited its progress in my charts. What a shame. At any rate, I found a clean version that I will post because I'm a huge M.I.A fan and she always has really good songs. This song is probably one of her best and it highlighted her lyrical abilities as a rapper- abilities that aren't always evident in the music she makes.
That's been the dance tracks... stay tuned for the Rap best and worst. Was gonna add it to this one but... I've got SOO MUCH TO SAY on how disappointed I was in 2013 that I thought I would give myself a whole post to rant.
So I've had this blog for a little over two years now and in that short space of time a lot of things in my life changed. I moved from my American home to one out in the foreign tropics. I've gotten two years older, which in and of itself yields its varying changes. I've changed schools and made new friends. I've gotten into volleyball, a sport that seems to dominate my life nowadays. I've fallen in love more than once and had more than my fair share of heartbreak and heartache. I've done some... not-so-great things. I've gotten into a lot of trouble with my parents, and am now thus trying to earn back a whole lotta trust. I've gone to the brink of just giving up on everything, and even trying to end my life. These past two years have felt like the longest two years of my life and here I am now. Problem is... well... I'm here now, but I don't really know how I feel about it.
I feel like the greatest battle that I've been fighting is that of trying to find Katrina and to really love her. Often, I feel like I've found her and I've gotten to embrace all of her imperfections and perks, but then something comes up that makes me stumble and fall and it's pretty much like I've lost her. I felt that way recently when Kody and I stopped talking. It's been quite hard for me because he was just kinda always there and I felt like if it was anyone right now that I could rely on, it would be him. However, by doing that I let myself down again because now that he's not around, I just feel really lonely I guess. It's often an empty feeling of being in a country so far from home and your true best friends and you're just the foreigner. To be honest, although he reminded me that he's still here for me, it's just kinda evident that he's happier without me around. He has his own friends and he's moving on without me and it's kinda like a hint that I should do the same. I'll admit that its a valid point, but the way in which our friendship broke apart and the time in which it did has left me searching again for who I really was.
I hate who I've become in the process- it's been an obnoxious way of living. I guess in order to put out an outward display of happiness, I've become really loud and jubilant. I hug everyone and I yell and I smile just a bit wider that I used to and I laugh REALLY REALLY loudly. But on the inside I just feel disgusted. I really dislike Katrina in every shape and form and it's been something that I've battled with since I was really young. Because of this front that I've put up, by the time I get home, all I can do is cry. Cry and cry and cry and cry and just release all of my frustration.
That's another thing that I hate about myself- I'm too emotional. It really is a good thing that I prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls because I deal with enough emotion within myself. I don't know if I can take any more. Often my display of emotion is misread and people automatically freak out but... I hurt a lot for various reasons and often my reactions to things aren't specifically regarding that situation, but rather that problem mixed with the emotions that have hung on the brink from other things, too. My reaction becomes a melting pot that starts to bubble over. It's cost me many relationships, be it friends, family and/or romantic and all it does is add to my frustration. I'm not a crazy person by any means, but sometimes when I start to cry and I say things that are just WAY out there, I look like it to everyone else and even feel like it myself. It hurts to know that because I haven't been able to find an avenue to channel my feelings properly that people that mean so much to me, but don't understand what I go through, will continue to distance themselves.
In terms of physical appearance, I'm not one to consider myself attractive on a regular basis. I tend to hide behind vibrant colors and large glasses that distract people from my physical features because while there are some things about me that I find beautiful, they're few and far between. A big part of that has been my weight and ANYONE that knows me well will say that I complain about it often. Currently I weigh around 156.5 lbs on a good day, but that's after an extensive diet that I've worked on and losing almost ten pounds. It's not the worst out there, and a good deal of it (I'm sure) is muscle but it still bothers me.
Often my idea of beauty is relevant to what the person I like at the time likes. Currently the general look is light skinned, long, curly haired, skinny, yet curvy with perfect teeth and radiant eyes. As for me- that's just almost the complete opposite of what I am and it upsets me. I feel almost like I've tried it all, from the diets and workouts to the braces and contacts and in the end I'm still left with 100% Katrina. In the end, it all boils down to just accepting that I'll always be Katrina and that I'm wasting my time trying to be someone else. C'est La Vie.
I often return to a solemn feeling inside that just kinda inquires as to WHY I'm here. Why I wake up every morning to a beautiful sunrise that hits the pool outside my window just right, why I breathe in rhythm, why everything around me moves when inside I feel like I've been standing still. Those thoughts proved to be dangerous only about 6 months ago when they materialized and became suicide attempts.
I remember distinctly when I opened the cupboard ever so cautiously and cursed at the fact that all we had were allergy pills and two pain relievers. I grabbed them anyways and hid them under my shirt. I locked my bedroom door and blasted "Starry Skies" by Jaden Smith on my speakers, stared into the mirror of my bathroom and kinda said my goodbyes to myself. It's hard to look back on, to think that I was so okay with leaving behind everything. It took a lot of time before I finally decided to swallow a mere eight allergy meds and the two Excedrin. I guess thinking back, I was afraid of death. After they went down, it was scary to imagine that I just did that to myself. Images of convulsions filled my head and I kinda just went to bed and waited for the worst of it to set in. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, made drowsy by the medication cocktail and hours of crying that I'd done hours before. The worst part was waking up. I woke up. I just remember being angry on another level and I felt like it was my fault, the same person that I was trying to kill was fighting to stay alive and it was an internal battle that I distinctly remember me to this day. Soon after, I tried for a second time, still within a 12 hour period of the previous one. I went back and took out the whole allergy carton and just the sound, that "snap, snap, snap..." of the pills being popped out of the cartridge made my skin crawl. By the time I took them, I had taken a total of 23 tablets of 24 hour medication. Unlike last time, however, I had to go out soon after and the car ride was when I felt the effects.
You could say I was high, I suppose, The word faded is probably the best term given to the feeling that I had. My vision was so hazy and it was almost as if either the world was passing by too quickly or I was in slow motion, but there was a noticeable delay between myself and time. My speech was slurring and I couldn't formulate words, so I stayed silent. But- the effects were't enough to do much more than that. At that point I just gave up. I told myself that I would have to push through for a little while and get myself out of the slump I was in.
One thing that I learned soon after those attempts was that I needed to have a little bit more humility and stop thinking only of myself. I realized that in an effort to rid myself of the pain in my heart, I was willing to rip out those of my mom, my dad, my brother, Waffle, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, Amber, my friends, and everyone else who loves me more than I even love myself. That's something that showed me how selfish I was being and it put a new twist into my head. With me gone, the world only stops for me; no one else. Yeah, they might grieve me for a while, but life still goes on and there would become a point when days go by without thoughts of me in their mind. And where would I be? Six feet under.
Less than a week later, I started volleyball. I threw myself into it whole-souled hoping to find an outlet and some fun. I soon started to train with my school's team and that's when I really started to hang with Kody. I guess that's why his friendship meant a lot to me because he saw in me everything that I wanted to destroy. He was the one that told me that I was pretty on my messiest days and gave me a shoulder just to rest on when those old feelings started to rise back and... sigh, I'm gonna cry as I type this, LOL. Sometimes he would just say something that made my day for no reason and on many of those days, it prevented me from trying again. I can therefore say that to me he was my rock in ways that I don't think he would've ever began to expect.
I wrote this confessional to let you guys know that when sit behind this keyboard and promote the Lowell Militia that never stands down and fought to be who we are that I'm not a perfect girl in any way, form or fashion. I hate to play the victim card, but I honestly feel that a good deal of my potentiality to be more positive and joyous as I grew up was ripped from me from the time the bullying set in. I can't even begin to describe how hard it was for me as a little girl to just be hated because of my skin color and the texture of my hair. That's all it was- factors that made me me and that I couldn't control. I often compare myself back then to myself now and the same things that I was ridiculed about I still fuss about today. And even though I've made the realization, I still struggle with it all.
One thing that I've been telling myself as old feelings ride my heart as I approach yet another birthday and I seemingly lose a best friend at a time where I might've needed him most, is to take each day as it comes. I wake up, prepare for school, arrive at school, go through my classes and try my best, play volleyball, come home, do my homework, read a little, go to bed. My attitude has a range on highs and lows and I try to manage my lows and sustain my highs the best I can and a good part of that has been reading and trying to work on my writing on a daily basis. I often feel like I'm not heard and so rather than talking I type and it lifts me up like nothing else.
Music has also played a huge part in my therapeutic regiment. I often find songs that spell out my feelings and reassure me that I'm not the only out there feeling this way and if they're finding a way to express how they feel, then so should I. I've also started to secretly see a counselor and she's always giving me new challenges; new ways to combat my feelings and to move on. I've realized that I have a lot of anxieties, one of which is that of being alone so I try to hang on to people like a safety net and thus settle for anything and all that ends up happening is that I get hurt. That's one of the ultimate things that I've been working on in order to start moving forward.
Life isn't easy- not for anyone. But one quote that has kept with me throughout this whole ordeal is the one by Vivian Greene that states "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I am Katrina Lowell- and this has been my confessional. <3
I know that it's been a while since we spoke- I guess I just didn't know what to say. Well, that's not really all that true. The words have been here all along but I chose not to use them. At this point, I don't really have a choice.
Days and weeks have passed, but every night is spent with you on my mind. The thought that you're so close yet so far away leaves this feeling in my chest where just my whole world is laying right there, crushing me under it's weight. Everyday is of gray skies, rain and cold weather. You're smile isn't there to brighten up my mornings anymore. Tears fall everyday, even now as I write this letter, with no signs of a weather change. Safety and warmth is nestled so tightly in your arms and now... I'm left to lay alone and remember what it was like.
I guess it's hard to fathom that my best friend has become my greatest stranger. It's hard to realize that broken hearts are often uneven, and I'm just the one left with the greatest part of the mess to clean up alone. Truth is- I don't need you, but I want you. To be loved for who I was, even on my worst hair days and the depths of my PMS, is something that I've never experienced before. Did I take it for granted? I guess, yeah I did. I often felt like I didn't deserve it and in the end I was pretty much proven right. It still rings in my ears like an ache; "C'est La Vie." A phrase so right in the wrongest of ways. Facing the fact that my best just wasn't enough is something that I have yet to do. I did try my best because one thing that I knew was that you were the best I've ever had and... something deep in my heart just hints that it'll be a really long time until I feel like that again. It'll be long before I look in the mirror and don't feel disgust because I'm nothing like what you want.
You don't want me anymore.
I often said that you and I were only a moment. I don't think I really understood just how brief. In that brief moment I never said just what I probably should've. I don't believe within myself that this letter will do anything more than attempt to ease the hurt just for a little while. At any rate, there's something that I just really wanted you to know.
I don't mean to, but I love you... three words that have always been hard for me to say, but you make them so easy. I'm forgetting how it was to kiss you and to hold your hand. That's the worst. You were like my therapist and I loved all of our sessions. I remember how unbearable it was when we were in the kitchen cause we had to be quiet because our parent's listened.
You were sick of kissing- you wanted more. I get that, I honestly do. I guess for me I just struggled with the fear of making mistakes. But my biggest mistake was letting you go.
I miss you every day. I try so hard to make everything okay and surrounded by friends, I try to make myself numb to the pain inside, but I just don't know what to do anymore. It's as if nothing even matters. I honestly don't care about anything else in the world. Love is all around me, but not IN me.
I guess in conclusion, the best thing I could do is tell you how much you mean to me. My brain says to move on, but every time I'm with him, my heart reminds me of you. In truth, I don't want anyone else. Everything else just feels wrong.
I don't need you, but I want you. I don't mean to, but I love you. After all this time, I just wish you'd give us a second chance. Moments aren't always just once in a lifetime...
So I'm here... been sitting here for about an hour listening to both "Birdy" and "Pure Heroine," at a loss for which topic to write about. I wanna write about my resolutions, but that's gonna take a fresh cup of coffee and a long night. I wanna write about love, but (and this is gonna sound real mean) I've been feeling like Taylor Swift- I need a break... pardon the pun. I wanna write about my best friends, like Amber White and how this year will be the friendiversary that signifies our half-a-lifetime friendship. I wanna talk about Kody and the rest of the people that I'll be leaving behind this summer and how I feel about that. I wanna talk about Waffle's fifth birthday this month and how my puppy... well he's not a puppy anymore. I wanna write a "Beautiful" chapter FINALLY. I wanna write about the music scene this past year and why I've been so disappointed. I wanna start new revolutions this year with the Lowell Militia. I wanna share my life on this blog because sometimes I feel like it's the one thing that makes me look forward to each day's adventures.
What now? That's the question, right? I don't know LOL.
I just have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG! Big in terms of news for my blog and different things that I blog about and I'm planning on taking some more steps when it comes to my blog, as in merchandise and global outreach and just working on expansion. I'm definitely excited :)
ALSO, I'm planning on getting my friends involved in my blog as well. I'm sure they're reading this like "say what now?!" But, I mean, I want to have discussions and do different tags with them. Right now, we're working on the Besties Tag and... well, it's taking a while because Amber thinks that she knows EVERYTHING about me anyways and Kody... well... he's a boy and we all know that slacking is almost like part of their genetic makeup, right? Girls- you know exactly what I mean. At any rate, it'll get done sooner or later, and once that gets done, we can work towards more posts that'll be just as, if not more, interesting and just altogether fun. Well... as interesting as they can be. My friend Brad wants us to discuss the two birds he saw today :/... excuse him, guys... he's... he's a twin. I think Caydon, his brother, got all the brains LOL.
The one thing that I've wanted the most is to get you guys, my readers, involved. It's been two years and some and still no comments, barely any poll votes and while I see all the worldwide views, I feel sometimes like I'm writing to myself. That being said, I want to go back to my foundation and start to build almost from the ground up, incorporating you guys in everything that I do. When I first put up my blog, I gave you all my e-mail address and promised to post anything that YOU guys wanted to share with the world, be it artwork, photography, poems, prose or just experiences that you could share with the other readers of the blog. I had said that I wanted to have discussions with you guys after I posted a post that you enjoyed, just to hear about how it related to you and how I could improve in my posts moving forward. I had especially put up the "Ask Katrina" part of my blog to give you specific advice on whatever you wanted help with. I want us to get to know each other TRULY as a leader with his soldiers. I don't wanna work like a commander who puts out something and just expects results. I want you guys to help me help you; a symbiotic relationship.
Anyhow, being a blogger in 2014 is bound to be exciting. After being in a bloggers shoes for these past two years or so, I've gotten an view of the world like no other. I read EVERYTHING in my environment, be it feelings, facial expressions, signs, stickers, etc. I read those things on a deeper level in that I think to myself how that represents us as a generation and what it means for our mentality as we progress in the future. At the end of the day, that's really all that we have left to think about.
Yesterday, during my bible study, I was asked if I believed that the world was going to improve as we move forward and... I was saddened to respond saying no. I mean, I honestly don't. I know that there are always people trying to make a change and to give us hope in every way, big or small. In fact, that's exactly what I try to do here with my little blogs. But, you know, there's only so much we can do for ourselves as we move ahead. But, that being said, this year is just another year that we have to work just a little harder to make the small, simple joys lasting ones. That's what this blog is gonna focus on this year- the simple gifts of joy that we get in life.
