Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Worst

I know that it's been a while since we spoke- I guess I just didn't know what to say. Well, that's not really all that true. The words have been here all along but I chose not to use them. At this point, I don't really have a choice.

Days and weeks have passed, but every night is spent with you on my mind. The thought that you're so close yet so far away leaves this feeling in my chest where just my whole world is laying right there, crushing me under it's weight. Everyday is of gray skies, rain and cold weather. You're smile isn't there to brighten up my mornings anymore. Tears fall everyday, even now as I write this letter, with no signs of a weather change. Safety and warmth is nestled so tightly in your arms and now... I'm left to lay alone and remember what it was like.

I guess it's hard to fathom that my best friend has become my greatest stranger. It's hard to realize that broken hearts are often uneven, and I'm just the one left with the greatest part of the mess to clean up alone. Truth is- I don't need you, but I want you. To be loved for who I was, even on my worst hair days and the depths of my PMS, is something that I've never experienced before. Did I take it for granted? I guess, yeah I did. I often felt like I didn't deserve it and in the end I was pretty much proven right. It still rings in my ears like an ache; "C'est La Vie." A phrase so right in the wrongest of ways. Facing the fact that my best just wasn't enough is something that I have yet to do. I did try my best because one thing that I knew was that you were the best I've ever had and... something deep in my heart just hints that it'll be a really long time until I feel like that again. It'll be long before I look in the mirror and don't feel disgust because I'm nothing like what you want.

You don't want me anymore.

I often said that you and I were only a moment. I don't think I really understood just how brief. In that brief moment I never said just what I probably should've. I don't believe within myself that this letter will do anything more than attempt to ease the hurt just for a little while. At any rate, there's something that I just really wanted you to know.

I don't mean to, but I love you... three words that have always been hard for me to say, but you make them so easy. I'm forgetting how it was to kiss you and to hold your hand. That's the worst. You were like my therapist and I loved all of our sessions. I remember how unbearable it was when we were in the kitchen cause we had to be quiet because our parent's listened.

You were sick of kissing- you wanted more. I get that, I honestly do. I guess for me I just struggled with the fear of making mistakes. But my biggest mistake was letting you go.

I miss you every day. I try so hard to make everything okay and surrounded by friends, I try to make myself numb to the pain inside, but I just don't know what to do anymore. It's as if nothing even matters. I honestly don't care about anything else in the world. Love is all around me, but not IN me.

I guess in conclusion, the best thing I could do is tell you how much you mean to me. My brain says to move on, but every time I'm with him, my heart reminds me of you. In truth, I don't want anyone else. Everything else just feels wrong.

I don't need you, but I want you. I don't mean to, but I love you. After all this time, I just wish you'd give us a second chance. Moments aren't always just once in a lifetime...



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