The moment was perfect- just the two of us, chest to chest, hand to hand, breath to breath; and you said it. You said the three words I wish you hadn't, because that's when things changed and what had felt like a fantasy might have become real. You said the three words that would make me reflect on what we really had and if maybe what you described to me was how you honestly felt or if it was really just a fib, a concept that was a little less unnerving than the other.
I know it won't make any sense to you, especially after I pretty much returned the words to you in the same fashion as they were received but... well maybe it's time I really explained myself.
I had never fallen in love, not out of anything but choice. The feeling was too distant and frightening for me to ever try to hold close and embrace. Every time it presented itself to me, I would turn myself away entirely, avoiding the inevitable desire that would come from just a taste of it. Most of the time it ended up saving me from heartbreak, guarding me away from those who try to steal my heart and hold me hostage with mirages of what love was to be while snaking their way through and taking advantage of my vulnerability.
One time I was actually the one who broke a heart, the one who had to admit that while I had enjoyed the time that we had had together that I just couldn't manage the words then, or possibly ever. Three simple words that would just be too hard to say. The pain that followed took me by surprise because it was then that I had realized how much of his heart he had given to me and... I had just told him that I didn't want it; that it just wasn't good enough for me. I can't say that it didn't eat away at my conscience like an acid, but the idea that saying something that I couldn't truly feel might have hurt him more began to neutralize my feelings slowly as time passed.
The biggest mistake I had ever done was to let go of my fear and my pride and just fall. I just couldn't resist the urge and I free fell into a whirlwind, a whirlwind that felt so good. It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.
And the moment he told me he loved me, I didn't hesitate to tell him that I did, too. I held on to that moment for a long time, remembering that that feeling was one that was too special to ever forget.
But, everything fell apart and in a matter of minutes I was all alone. I had hit rock bottom and it was left up to me to find the shattered pieces of my heart, pick myself up and carry on. All I can remember is sitting there for a long while just in my own silence. I didn't move, I didn't cry, I just sat. It was like when an earthquake hits and the initial shake disrupts everything around you and its only the aftershock that really sets things into motion. When everything really began to settle and I had realized that everything that was never going to be again, well, that's when my heart really broke.
One thing that I learned about heartbreak it that it's really a funny thing. The time that you spend just there in your own denial causes the cracks to spread and piece by piece the parts fall and are lost. I can't tell you how much I cried or even for how long, but I can tell you that crying was the most comforting thing I could do; it was all I could do. There was nobody there to hold me anymore, nobody to care for or about me, nobody to love me, or so it felt. That feeling is just one of lasting emptiness and there's just nothing you can really do about it.
I never really did stop crying- I still cry from time to time because at any given moment I'll feel my gut twist like how it did that day and I'm reminded of that feeling; pain so complex that only three simple words could create.
A new piece of my heart is found each day, a lot that I've found on my own, some that my friends have stumbled across and then there's the ones that you've placed right back in my hand.
One thing that I can tell you about what you mean to me is that you came around so unexpected; of all the people in the world that I thought would help me to my feet, I never thought it would be you. I know that I shied away most of the time, ignoring my feelings because my heart wasn't quite capable of holding anything. It was like a clay pot with a big hole in the bottom that is then filled with sand- everything just wasted away. It did frustrate me a lot at times because I almost wanted to tell you but then again I didn't want to break my own heart either, so I left it alone. Many days were me in my room crying and throwing things, feeling trapped in an invisible cage so far away from everything that I had wanted and hoped for that just wouldn't be.
I still remember the day you hugged me- I closed my eyes and felt a familiar feeling;
It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.
It jumped me and I guess I tried to avoid it, but it kept on coming at me stronger and stronger until the day our lips met. It should've been so wrong but everything said that it was right. I didn't quite know what to do because I was reminded of everything that I had lost in a matter of seconds.
We're here now- months later and I'm faced with the same three words that have knocked me down times before. At times it's more comforting to think that it's a lie you've told me, but what if it's not? What if that day you really did mean every word? What am I to do? And I know that I told you that I had loved you too but... I just don't know. I just CAN'T know.
It's just a lot easier to walk away empty handed than empty hearted because one day we're gonna separate. We're gonna go back to me. And you. No more us or we or our. Sometimes I think you ignore that fact because you're able to focus on today, but unfortunately love doesn't work like that. When love is real, it lingers on like a residue on the fine pieces of the broken heart. What then?
I love you. I guess I really do- I love everything that you've done to help me love myself and I love the ways that you show that you love me. I feel like since I've got back my heart, I've been cradling it in my arms, keeping it close to me because I know that nobody will ever care for it the way that I can. But... well everyone's gotta let go SOMEDAY and I guess maybe it's time I put it in your hands.
THE END
Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell
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