The Best and Worst of 2013 in Music According To Katrina; Dance Tracks

Hey Readers,

So I can easily say that the music scene has changed quite a bit this year and I was there every step of the way. Do I think that it changed for the best? Not necessarily; I mean, besides the obsession with Twerking, Miley Cyrus, and the correlation between the two, there were so many songs that were just so... bleh. However, a few lyricists have risen out of the rubble and drawn my attention. At any rate, although its well into 2014, I'd like to introduce to you "The Best and Worst of 2013 in Music According To Katrina."

DANCE TRACKS

So you guys know my take on dance tracks- I think that it's possible to join quality lyrics, vocal ability AND a strong bassline to create an incredibly amazing song to rave to. However, I think that maybe I'm the only person out there that thinks so. I mean... nowadays you have the WORST LYRICS EVER to a really sweet track and they put it out there to be played on the radio and in clubs obviously desensitizing us to what is ridiculous. So yeah- I have quite a few selections that I think either did a good job at balancing when it came to the top three elements of a song that I pay attention to or were just so hype that I had to admit that despite the crap lines, it was beast.

1. #SELFIE By The Chainsmokers
.____. Although this song was released this year, it was recorded last year and it's just worthy of the disgrace I'm about to give it. Who in the world came up with this song? Like yes- sometimes you just want a song to laugh at but this was just so bad that it was painful! And to top it off, all of my friends say that I talk like the girl in the song. I can't take it. It's just next level bad. Plus- does anyone realize how this just completely masticates and swallows our WHOLE generation in three minutes and fourty-three seconds? Look at the title of my blog- "Katrina Lowell- The Blog of our GENERATIONNNNNNN". Like what the hell. Now my parents hear that song and look at me with that "I told you so" look on their faces; I've been trying to convince them that our generation isn't all that bad- like we're bad but hey; back in my parents' day, they wore their clothes back-to-front like Kris Kross. Now they hear that song and they say, "ohhh, not only are they retarded, but they're brain dead and stupid, too." I can't even comment on the redundancy of their comments because that song was repetitively giving us a bad name.

You know it's bad when Katrina brings up the lyrics but I just need to do this- I can't help myself.

                                                                         "#SELFIE"

When Jason was at the table
I kept on seeing him look at me while he was with that other girl
Do you think he was just doing that to make me jealous?

(And the superficiality surfaces...)
Because he was totally texting me all night last night
and I don't know if it's a booty call or not
So... like what do you think?

(LOL you REALLY wanna know what I think? I think you're a dunce tbh)

Did you think that girl was pretty?
How did that girl even get in here?
Do you see her?
She's so short and that dress is so tacky
Who wears Cheetah?

(At 5'4 and a lover of animal prints I take STRONG offence. Like what's wrong with being short and appreciating the occasional African theme?)
It's not even summer, why does the DJ keep on playing "Summertime Sadness"?

(This... well you know... I kind of agree :/ Please don't judge me)
After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette?
I really need one

(But I don't think you want gingivitis, lung cancer, heart disease...)
But first,
LET ME TAKE A SELFIE

(And this is probably the worst part of all)
[Beat drops]

Can you guys help me pick a filter?
I don't know if I should go with XX Pro or Valencia
I wanna look tan

(Hmmm... maybe some sun??)
What should my caption be?
I want it to be clever
How about "Livin' with my *******, hash tag LIVE"

(OMG cuz that is soooo clever like #YEAH #SMARTBAE)
I only got 10 likes in the last 5 minutes
Do you think I should take it down?

(Bust it for the likes, bust it open for the likessss)
LET ME TAKE ANOTHER SELFIE

[Beat drops]

Wait, pause, Jason just liked my selfie
What a creep

(Well, since you seem to be obsessing over this guy, I wonder what that says about you...)
Is that guy sleeping over there?
Yeah, the one next to the girl with no shoes on
That's so ratchet

(OH THE IRONYYYY)
That girl is such a fake model
She definitely bought all her Instagram followers
Who goes out on Mondays?

(.-. you?)
OK, let's go take some shots
Oh no, I feel like I'm gonna throw up
Oh wait, nevermind I'm fine
Let's go dance

(Either she's drunk or her attention span is similar to that of a squirrel in its adolescent stage)
There's no vodka at this table
Do you know anyone else here?
Oh my god, Jason just texted me
Should I go home with him?
I guess I took a good selfie

(What the hell am I hearing like fuh real? Being this shallow should be a crime)
Selfie [on repeat]

LET ME TAKE A SELFIE

Okay, yeah... this is officially the WORST dance track of 2013. Hands down.

2. Dance The Pain Away By Benny Benassi (ft. John Legend)

Benny Benassi is not just a DJ, but a man that knows what he's doing when it comes to music. He's been behind songs like "Satisfaction," "Beautiful People (ft Chris Brown)" and "Cinema (ft Gary Go)." "Cinema," especially, was a song that I though was lyrically amazing because it was just beautifully written. This song is more relevant to raving, but this time with a John Legend spin. John Legend has one of the best voices of our time. It's so smooth and effortlessly on point. Not only that, but John Legend is an incredibly talented songwriter and that's probably why this song was able to achieve such a perfect balance that it became a favorite of mine.

This is one of the BEST dance tracks of 2013. 

3. Bassline Junkie By Dizzee Rascal

This is one of those that sounds ridiculous but is sooo worthy of a mention because while the lyrics weren't exactly awe inspiring nor clean, they were really clever. Not only that, but it's a track that FORCES you to dance. You know those people that wear headphones and walk around showing no expression or anything? This song isn't for them if they don't wanna make a fool of themselves at the bus stop. Without further ado, I'll let the words speak for themselves.

                                                                  "Bassline Junkie"

Hey turn the bass up, turn the bass up
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Dirty, dirty stinking,
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Bass, bass, bass, bass

[Chorus:]
I don’t need no speed, no
I don’t need no heroin, no thanks
I don’t want no coke, not today
You can keep your ketamine, yeah
I’m a bassline junkie, what?
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
And I like it funky

Don't touch it, who told you to touch it?
I will ******* kill you, don't ever touch that **** again

I’m a fiend for a big dirty bassline
When I hear one I have a great time
A bit of butterman's all I require
I let the bassline take me higher
My friends think that it’s a bad habit, damn it
If you take my bass away
I’ll blow your ******* face away, easy!
You might think I’m over the top
But when I hear that bassline drop
I just can’t control my actions
But I still feel satisfaction
So don’t come around here whinging
I just wanna hear the bassline rinsin
Or we can just skank out all day
If not get the **** out my way

[Chorus:]
I don’t need no speed, no
I don’t need no heroin, no thanks
I don’t want no coke, not today
You can keep your ketamine, yeah
I’m a bassline junkie, what?
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
And I like it funky
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Dirty, dirty stinking,
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Bass, bass, bass

The other day I got an ASBO order
And I think it’s well out of order
All my neighbors throwing a fit
So I told them **** my ****
And I told them I got the power
And I turn the music up louder
All night till 6 in the morning
Old bastards, they just boring
You know me, I’m the bassline father
Nobody can tell me neither
And the police turned up and they took me
We drove out to the nick and they booked me
Then they said they'd give me a caution
If I didn’t give them no distortion
But I said don’t bother, I’m guilty
And my bassline's ******* filthy

[Chorus:]
I don’t need no speed, no
I don’t need no heroin, no thanks
I don’t want no coke, not today
You can keep your ketamine, yeah
I’m a bassline junkie, what?
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I don’t like it funky
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Dirty, dirty stinking,
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Bass, bass, bass
Bass, bass, bass
Bass, bass, bass.

4. Bring The Noize By M.I.A

This song would have beaten "Dance The Pain Away," however it's profanity inhibited its progress in my charts. What a shame. At any rate, I found a clean version that I will post because I'm a huge M.I.A fan and she always has really good songs. This song is probably one of her best and it highlighted her lyrical abilities as a rapper- abilities that aren't always evident in the music she makes.

That's been the dance tracks... stay tuned for the Rap best and worst. Was gonna add it to this one but... I've got SOO MUCH TO SAY on how disappointed I was in 2013 that I thought I would give myself a whole post to rant. 

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell

My Confessional

So I've had this blog for a little over two years now and in that short space of time a lot of things in my life changed. I moved from my American home to one out in the foreign tropics. I've gotten two years older, which in and of itself yields its varying changes. I've changed schools and made new friends. I've gotten into volleyball, a sport that seems to dominate my life nowadays. I've fallen in love more than once and had more than my fair share of heartbreak and heartache. I've done some... not-so-great things. I've gotten into a lot of trouble with my parents, and am now thus trying to earn back a whole lotta trust. I've gone to the brink of just giving up on everything, and even trying to end my life. These past two years have felt like the longest two years of my life and here I am now. Problem is... well... I'm here now, but I don't really know how I feel about it.

I feel like the greatest battle that I've been fighting is that of trying to find Katrina and to really love her. Often, I feel like I've found her and I've gotten to embrace all of her imperfections and perks, but then something comes up that makes me stumble and fall and it's pretty much like I've lost her. I felt that way recently when Kody and I stopped talking. It's been quite hard for me because he was just kinda always there and I felt like if it was anyone right now that I could rely on, it would be him. However, by doing that I let myself down again because now that he's not around, I just feel really lonely I guess. It's often an empty feeling of being in a country so far from home and your true best friends and you're just the foreigner. To be honest, although he reminded me that he's still here for me, it's just kinda evident that he's happier without me around. He has his own friends and he's moving on without me and it's kinda like a hint that I should do the same. I'll admit that its a valid point, but the way in which our friendship broke apart and the time in which it did has left me searching again for who I really was.

I hate who I've become in the process- it's been an obnoxious way of living. I guess in order to put out an outward display of happiness, I've become really loud and jubilant. I hug everyone and I yell and I smile just a bit wider that I used to and I laugh REALLY REALLY loudly. But on the inside I just feel disgusted. I really dislike Katrina in every shape and form and it's been something that I've battled with since I was really young. Because of this front that I've put up, by the time I get home, all I can do is cry. Cry and cry and cry and cry and just release all of my frustration.

That's another thing that I hate about myself- I'm too emotional. It really is a good thing that I prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls because I deal with enough emotion within myself. I don't know if I can take any more. Often my display of emotion is misread and people automatically freak out but... I hurt a lot for various reasons and often my reactions to things aren't specifically regarding that situation, but rather that problem mixed with the emotions that have hung on the brink from other things, too. My reaction becomes a melting pot that starts to bubble over. It's cost me many relationships, be it friends, family and/or romantic and all it does is add to my frustration. I'm not a crazy person by any means, but sometimes when I start to cry and I say things that are just WAY out there, I look like it to everyone else and even feel like it myself. It hurts to know that because I haven't been able to find an avenue to channel my feelings properly that people that mean so much to me, but don't understand what I go through, will continue to distance themselves.

In terms of physical appearance, I'm not one to consider myself attractive on a regular basis. I tend to hide behind vibrant colors and large glasses that distract people from my physical features because while there are some things about me that I find beautiful, they're few and far between. A big part of that has been my weight and ANYONE that knows me well will say that I complain about it often. Currently I weigh around 156.5 lbs on a good day, but that's after an extensive diet that I've worked on and losing almost ten pounds. It's not the worst out there, and a good deal of it (I'm sure) is muscle but it still bothers me.

Often my idea of beauty is relevant to what the person I like at the time likes. Currently the general look is light skinned, long, curly haired, skinny, yet curvy with perfect teeth and radiant eyes. As for me- that's just almost the complete opposite of what I am and it upsets me. I feel almost like I've tried it all, from the diets and workouts to the braces and contacts and in the end I'm still left with 100% Katrina. In the end, it all boils down to just accepting that I'll always be Katrina and that I'm wasting my time trying to be someone else. C'est La Vie.

I often return to a solemn feeling inside that just kinda inquires as to WHY I'm here. Why I wake up every morning to a beautiful sunrise that hits the pool outside my window just right, why I breathe in rhythm, why everything around me moves when inside I feel like I've been standing still. Those thoughts proved to be dangerous only about 6 months ago when they materialized and became suicide attempts.

I remember distinctly when I opened the cupboard ever so cautiously and cursed at the fact that all we had were allergy pills and two pain relievers. I grabbed them anyways and hid them under my shirt. I locked my bedroom door and blasted "Starry Skies" by Jaden Smith on my speakers, stared into the mirror of my bathroom and kinda said my goodbyes to myself. It's hard to look back on, to think that I was so okay with leaving behind everything. It took a lot of time before I finally decided to swallow a mere eight allergy meds and the two Excedrin. I guess thinking back, I was afraid of death. After they went down, it was scary to imagine that I just did that to myself. Images of convulsions filled my head and I kinda just went to bed and waited for the worst of it to set in. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, made drowsy by the medication cocktail and hours of crying that I'd done hours before. The worst part was waking up. I woke up. I just remember being angry on another level and I felt like it was my fault, the same person  that I was trying to kill was fighting to stay alive and it was an internal battle that I distinctly remember me to this day. Soon after, I tried for a second time, still within a 12 hour period of the previous one. I went back and took out the whole allergy carton and just the sound, that "snap, snap, snap..." of the pills being popped out of the cartridge made my skin crawl. By the time I took them, I had taken a total of 23 tablets of 24 hour medication. Unlike last time, however, I had to go out soon after and the car ride was when I felt the effects.

You could say I was high, I suppose, The word faded is probably the best term given to the feeling that I had. My vision was so hazy and it was almost as if either the world was passing by too quickly or I was in slow motion, but there was a noticeable delay between myself and time. My speech was slurring and I couldn't formulate words, so I stayed silent. But- the effects were't enough to do much more than that. At that point I just gave up. I told myself that I would have to push through for a little while and get myself out of the slump I was in.

One thing that I learned soon after those attempts was that I needed to have a little bit more humility and stop thinking only of myself. I realized that in an effort to rid myself of the pain in my heart, I was willing to rip out those of my mom, my dad, my brother, Waffle, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, Amber, my friends, and everyone else who loves me more than I even love myself. That's something that showed me how selfish I was being and it put a new twist into my head. With me gone, the world only stops for me; no one else. Yeah, they might grieve me for a while, but life still goes on and there would become a point when days go by without thoughts of me in their mind. And where would I be? Six feet under.

Less than a week later, I started volleyball. I threw myself into it whole-souled hoping to find an outlet and some fun. I soon started to train with my school's team and that's when I really started to hang with Kody. I guess that's why his friendship meant a lot to me because he saw in me everything that I wanted to destroy. He was the one that told me that I was pretty on my messiest days and gave me a shoulder just to rest on when those old feelings started to rise back and... sigh, I'm gonna cry as I type this, LOL. Sometimes he would just say something that made my day for no reason and on many of those days, it prevented me from trying again. I can therefore say that to me he was my rock in ways that I don't think he would've ever began to expect.

I wrote this confessional to let you guys know that when sit behind this keyboard and promote the Lowell Militia that never stands down and fought to be who we are that I'm not a perfect girl in any way, form or fashion. I hate to play the victim card, but I honestly feel that a good deal of my potentiality to be more positive and joyous as I grew up was ripped from me from the time the bullying set in. I can't even begin to describe how hard it was for me as a little girl to just be hated because of my skin color and the texture of my hair. That's all it was- factors that made me me and that I couldn't control. I often compare myself back then to myself now and the same things that I was ridiculed about I still fuss about today. And even though I've made the realization, I still struggle with it all.

One thing that I've been telling myself as old feelings ride my heart as I approach yet another birthday and I seemingly lose a best friend at a time where I might've needed him most, is to take each day as it comes. I wake up, prepare for school, arrive at school, go through my classes and try my best, play volleyball, come home, do my homework, read a little, go to bed. My attitude has a range on highs and lows and I try to manage my lows and sustain my highs the best I can and a good part of that has been reading and trying to work on my writing on a daily basis. I often feel like I'm not heard and so rather than talking I type and it lifts me up like nothing else.

Music has also played a huge part in my therapeutic regiment. I often find songs that spell out my feelings and reassure me that I'm not the only out there feeling this way and if they're finding a way to express how they feel, then so should I. I've also started to secretly see a counselor and she's always giving me new challenges; new ways to combat my feelings and to move on. I've realized that I have a lot of anxieties, one of which is that of being alone so I try to hang on to people like a safety net and thus settle for anything and all that ends up happening is that I get hurt. That's one of the ultimate things that I've been working on in order to start moving forward.

Life isn't easy- not for anyone. But one quote that has kept with me throughout this whole ordeal is the one by Vivian Greene that states "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

I am Katrina Lowell- and this has been my confessional. <3

The Worst

I know that it's been a while since we spoke- I guess I just didn't know what to say. Well, that's not really all that true. The words have been here all along but I chose not to use them. At this point, I don't really have a choice.

Days and weeks have passed, but every night is spent with you on my mind. The thought that you're so close yet so far away leaves this feeling in my chest where just my whole world is laying right there, crushing me under it's weight. Everyday is of gray skies, rain and cold weather. You're smile isn't there to brighten up my mornings anymore. Tears fall everyday, even now as I write this letter, with no signs of a weather change. Safety and warmth is nestled so tightly in your arms and now... I'm left to lay alone and remember what it was like.

I guess it's hard to fathom that my best friend has become my greatest stranger. It's hard to realize that broken hearts are often uneven, and I'm just the one left with the greatest part of the mess to clean up alone. Truth is- I don't need you, but I want you. To be loved for who I was, even on my worst hair days and the depths of my PMS, is something that I've never experienced before. Did I take it for granted? I guess, yeah I did. I often felt like I didn't deserve it and in the end I was pretty much proven right. It still rings in my ears like an ache; "C'est La Vie." A phrase so right in the wrongest of ways. Facing the fact that my best just wasn't enough is something that I have yet to do. I did try my best because one thing that I knew was that you were the best I've ever had and... something deep in my heart just hints that it'll be a really long time until I feel like that again. It'll be long before I look in the mirror and don't feel disgust because I'm nothing like what you want.

You don't want me anymore.

I often said that you and I were only a moment. I don't think I really understood just how brief. In that brief moment I never said just what I probably should've. I don't believe within myself that this letter will do anything more than attempt to ease the hurt just for a little while. At any rate, there's something that I just really wanted you to know.

I don't mean to, but I love you... three words that have always been hard for me to say, but you make them so easy. I'm forgetting how it was to kiss you and to hold your hand. That's the worst. You were like my therapist and I loved all of our sessions. I remember how unbearable it was when we were in the kitchen cause we had to be quiet because our parent's listened.

You were sick of kissing- you wanted more. I get that, I honestly do. I guess for me I just struggled with the fear of making mistakes. But my biggest mistake was letting you go.

I miss you every day. I try so hard to make everything okay and surrounded by friends, I try to make myself numb to the pain inside, but I just don't know what to do anymore. It's as if nothing even matters. I honestly don't care about anything else in the world. Love is all around me, but not IN me.

I guess in conclusion, the best thing I could do is tell you how much you mean to me. My brain says to move on, but every time I'm with him, my heart reminds me of you. In truth, I don't want anyone else. Everything else just feels wrong.

I don't need you, but I want you. I don't mean to, but I love you. After all this time, I just wish you'd give us a second chance. Moments aren't always just once in a lifetime...

Sincerely,
Katrina

***

Being A Blogger in 2014

Hey Guys,

So I'm here... been sitting here for about an hour listening to both "Birdy" and "Pure Heroine," at a loss for which topic to write about. I wanna write about my resolutions, but that's gonna take a fresh cup of coffee and a long night. I wanna write about love, but (and this is gonna sound real mean) I've been feeling like Taylor Swift- I need a break... pardon the pun. I wanna write about my best friends, like Amber White and how this year will be the friendiversary that signifies our half-a-lifetime friendship. I wanna talk about Kody and the rest of the people that I'll be leaving behind this summer and how I feel about that. I wanna talk about Waffle's fifth birthday this month and how my puppy... well he's not a puppy anymore. I wanna write a "Beautiful" chapter FINALLY. I wanna write about the music scene this past year and why I've been so disappointed. I wanna start new revolutions this year with the Lowell Militia. I wanna share my life on this blog because sometimes I feel like it's the one thing that makes me look forward to each day's adventures.

What now? That's the question, right? I don't know LOL.

I just have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG! Big in terms of news for my blog and different things that I blog about and I'm planning on taking some more steps when it comes to my blog, as in merchandise and global outreach and just working on expansion. I'm definitely excited :)

ALSO, I'm planning on getting my friends involved in my blog as well. I'm sure they're reading this like "say what now?!" But, I mean, I want to have discussions and do different tags with them. Right now, we're working on the Besties Tag and... well, it's taking a while because Amber thinks that she knows EVERYTHING about me anyways and Kody... well... he's a boy and we all know that slacking is almost like part of their genetic makeup, right? Girls- you know exactly what I mean. At any rate, it'll get done sooner or later, and once that gets done, we can work towards more posts that'll be just as, if not more, interesting and just altogether fun. Well... as interesting as they can be. My friend Brad wants us to discuss the two birds he saw today :/... excuse him, guys... he's... he's a twin. I think Caydon, his brother, got all the brains LOL.

The one thing that I've wanted the most is to get you guys, my readers, involved. It's been two years and some and still no comments, barely any poll votes and while I see all the worldwide views, I feel sometimes like I'm writing to myself. That being said, I want to go back to my foundation and start to build almost from the ground up, incorporating you guys in everything that I do. When I first put up my blog, I gave you all my e-mail address and promised to post anything that YOU guys wanted to share with the world, be it artwork, photography, poems, prose or just experiences that you could share with the other readers of the blog. I had said that I wanted to have discussions with you guys after I posted a post that you enjoyed, just to hear about how it related to you and how I could improve in my posts moving forward. I had especially put up the "Ask Katrina" part of my blog to give you specific advice on whatever you wanted help with. I want us to get to know each other TRULY as a leader with his soldiers. I don't wanna work like a commander who puts out something and just expects results. I want you guys to help me help you; a symbiotic relationship.

Anyhow, being a blogger in 2014 is bound to be exciting. After being in a bloggers shoes for these past two years or so, I've gotten an view of the world like no other. I read EVERYTHING in my environment, be it feelings, facial expressions, signs, stickers, etc. I read those things on a deeper level in that I think to myself how that represents us as a generation and what it means for our mentality as we progress in the future. At the end of the day, that's really all that we have left to think about.

Yesterday, during my bible study, I was asked if I believed that the world was going to improve as we move forward and... I was saddened to respond saying no. I mean, I honestly don't. I know that there are always people trying to make a change and to give us hope in every way, big or small. In fact, that's exactly what I try to do here with my little blogs. But, you know, there's only so much we can do for ourselves as we move ahead. But, that being said, this year is just another year that we have to work just a little harder to make the small, simple joys lasting ones. That's what this blog is gonna focus on this year- the simple gifts of joy that we get in life.

Love Always,
Katrina Lowell

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell

HELLOOOO Readers,

My oh my, how I've missed you guys. My site was down on my laptop for quite a bit of time now and last night, with a little help from my dad, I was set back up and was back down to business. Last night I posted another story to add to my repertoire of prose called "The Lie I think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." Like I did with "The First Cut," I wanted to have another author Q and A to give you guys a better idea of what this story means to me and how I had meant it for you guys, my readers. Without further ado, I present to you:

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell  

1. The title of this prose is... well it's quite long and distinct. What was your thought process behind it?

Well, to be honest, the title came before the story and I had wanted to highlight a few elements of what I was going to write before the story was actually read. I wanted to create interest with the suspense of, you know, what exactly the three words were and a little bit of confusion because of the way it's phrased. If you think about it, who do you know says, "you know what? There's a lie I think you told me..." I mean, as I said before, I just wanted to create interest in what was going to be said before any of it was actually even written. I actually posted the title of the story on my profile before it was posted just for that "hmm" effect. Lol- hope that makes sense. But also, blogging is so different than buying a book on a self because white there's usually an attractive cover that in and of itself will say a thousand words, not to mention the blurb that's either on the back or the inside cover that describes the plot, we as bloggers will solely work on titles because unlike what I just mentioned, the title is the FIRST thing that'll draw your attention before anything else and so usually my titles are pondered on until I find exactly what I think will speak for itself.

2. Upon reading the story, I didn't really see coherence between the title and what was really IN the story. What really was the correlation, or is there even any?

Yeah, I know that that could've caused some confusion there because while lies are spoken of in the story as well as the three words, the lie was more hoped for than accused. However, the lie was really the words of themselves because as you saw, the narrator was someone who was an unbeliever of falling in love and then upon being drawn into it, going through the motions and ending up with a broken heart, had felt that the deception that she found herself caught in was because of the three simple words being 'I Love You," more so than the actions of the person that broke her heart. Like most people, she had felt that if you really mean what you say, that's when you'd put in the extra effort to not hurt the person that you claim to love. Therefore, she had this general thought that maybe those words in and of themselves were predisposed to being dishonest. That's why she calls it "the lie I think you told me" because at the end of the day, the concept of being instantly lied to started to not make sense. Her black and white lines gave more gray than answers. She even ventured to say that it would be EASIER to just accept it as a lie so that she wouldn't have to confront an all new feeling. The wording of the title also alludes to this feeling of uncertainty that I tried to illustrate.

3. As would be expected from a Katrina Lowell tale, was this story more factual than it was fictional?

This is most definitely the question that I've been dreading, but yes- there's quite a bit of my story embedded in Katrina's. A lot of the abstract elements are in harmony with things that I've dealt with. I had a really rough time in about August this year where I had allowed myself to just, as I described in this prose, fall into waters uncharted and unknown to me and I ended up hurt beyond what I could've imagined. It was... it was something that I try not to relive or even remember although there's a reminder everyday, be it a song or a familiar face. I've grown quite a bit in the short space of time but in more ways than one I still feel like a broken toy that works more often than not, but topples over once in a while and needs a little help and readjustment. I think in even WRITING this story I've overcome the fear of confronting my feelings again- I played some Birdy as I typed, the same songs that I used to play in my room so that it would feel a little less empty. That was the hardest part of the writing process because music, for me, helps me to explain how I feel, especially because I'm someone who often finds it hard to describe what I feel inside and so when I find songs that say it for me, it does something to me. So there I was, playing these songs that I called forbidden and it helped me say what I needed to say. That in and of itself brought tears to my eyes because I felt like I was finally able to start letting go of what was stewing inside of me. However, it's still a story and so many parts of it were edited and added in order to really mold and develop a new plot.

4. It's well known that in your personal life you're kinda... secretive, as it were; how has it for you to tell out one of your biggest secrets to not only the world, but to know that some of your readers are people that know you personally?

It was horrifying to say the least. At the end of the day, it honestly felt like I was giving up my diary to, as you said, the world- ON PURPOSE, you know. It was rough and it took me a while to actually decide to post it. It was only when I was talking to Kenny last night that I was encouraged to just post it. He told me something that really reminded me of what this blog is all about; he told me "It's just Katrina and Katrina doesn't really exist." I realized that once I posted it, it wasn't MY story anymore- it was Katrina's and at the end of the day, yeah, Katrina doesn't exist. She's better equip to carry that load than I am, in all honesty. So, I posted it and took a sigh because I felt tons lighter for the first time in a long while. That being said, Kody knew that it was posted, he knew it was an emotional post for me, and he knows my blog address. I pleaded with him to just not read it, which is something I never do, but I just didn't want the vulnerability that him knowing would bring me. It's even worse because being one of my best friends, he knows the jist of what I've been going through, but I dared not tell him the full story. It was just easier to say that I was with someone and it ended poorly- end of story. I made him promise he wouldn't read it, but knowing him, the curiosity has probably gotten the best of him and it was most likely read, but I think that maybe its about time I just start trusting people and stop being so "secretive" LOL. Of course Amber's gonna read this, and it won't be much of a shock to her, given she's the only person that knows me inside and out and helped to pull me through it all in the end. In fact, I think that she'll be proud that I've gotten the courage to just let everything out. I love her more than anything <3.

5. With special attention to the person that was being spoken to in the narrative, was he, too, part of your personal life that snuck its way in?

No; not entirely. There's nobody that that was directed to, actually, but there was someone who came after the heartbreak that entirely changed my view of my circumstances and what they meant for me in the future, so in that sense that was factual. That was actually something that I, too, considered before posting it because in the perchance that this person, you know, happened upon the story, I didn't want them to feel bad or even think of me as more broken than I am. When I read it, a lot of thoughts came to me as to what people would think as they read it, especially with special thought to those who suspected that this story was more to me than just a story. Given that I always try to appear strong and level-headed, I felt that in my writing, a different view was given of me, and I didn't know how I liked it. I felt like I would be looked at as a basket case or and over-emotional girl and that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to put out there something that showed that yeah, I'm far from perfect, but it's my imperfections that make me who I am and I can't spend forever running away from the very thing that makes up Katrina. But all in all, my biggest fear is that the person alluded to reads it and gathers something far from what I was trying to portray. At any rate, I've gotta focus on moving forward without really paying attention to what others feel about my feelings, no matter how hard it is. My only hope is that wherever he is that he knows how much he meant to me in the hardest parts of these last few months, especially because he didn't know that there was something underneath the surface that stood between us then and sometimes still does to this day.

6. Before you go, is there anything you'd like to say to your readers about how you had intended the story for them?

Definitely, yeah. Everything that I write is not only for me to express myself but to help out other teenage girls. I know personally that this is one of the hardest times to go through with fickle relationships and wild hormones and if ever me just sharing what I've been going through and how I deal with things helps another girl go through her difficulties, I'd feel like I've done my job. I think I've spent too long dealing with things by myself because it was easier than admitting that things were getting tough and I was hurt to just let what I've learned stay with me. I want to help change the world before I go- I want to show that even broken girls can fix things. Everyday I get new viewers from places like Serbia, Russia, Indonesia, Turkey, Japan, The Caribbean, UK and USA. I know that at least one girl from anywhere in the world that reads my blog can relate to what I write and are able to take away something from it that helps them work towards solving their own problems. "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" was my way of saying to you guys that... love is okay, but as for who you give it to or take it from, you should really contemplate because not everyone that holds you and tells you what you want to hear is good for you. Imagine that the one that I spoke of in that story I see nearly every week, and what? Nothing. It feels like we're strangers that never felt anything for one another and although I guess the heart didn't break even and he's the one in the end that wants to contact me... well, he just can't get through because I know things now that I before tried to ignore. I spoke about Birdy before, but I must say that her self titled album has songs that are more than just lyrics on a melody, but are actually songs that were made to MEAN something. I suggest that you all listen to it and really take them to heart.

That's it for now guys, but I hope that you enjoyed not only this post, but "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." I love you all and hope that we'll start making some more memories as we enter the third year of  ~Katrina Lowell~, a blog for our generation...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

The Lie I Think you Told Me With Three Simple Words

The moment was perfect- just the two of us, chest to chest, hand to hand, breath to breath; and you said it. You said the three words I wish you hadn't, because that's when things changed and what had felt like a fantasy might have become real. You said the three words that would make me reflect on what we really had and if maybe what you described to me was how you honestly felt or if it was really just a fib, a concept that was a little less unnerving than the other.

I know it won't make any sense to you, especially after I pretty much returned the words to you in the same fashion as they were received but... well maybe it's time I really explained myself.

I had never fallen in love, not out of anything but choice. The feeling was too distant and frightening for me to ever try to hold close and embrace. Every time it presented itself to me, I would turn myself away entirely, avoiding the inevitable desire that would come from just a taste of it. Most of the time it ended up saving me from heartbreak, guarding me away from those who try to steal my heart and hold me hostage with mirages of what love was to be while snaking their way through and taking advantage of my vulnerability. 

One time I was actually the one who broke a heart, the one who had to admit that while I had enjoyed the time that we had had together that I just couldn't manage the words then, or possibly ever. Three simple words that would just be too hard to say. The pain that followed took me by surprise because it was then that I had realized how much of his heart he had given to me and... I had just told him that I didn't want it; that it just wasn't good enough for me. I can't say that it didn't eat away at my conscience like an acid, but the idea that saying something that I couldn't truly feel might have hurt him more began to neutralize my feelings slowly as time passed.

The biggest mistake I had ever done was to let go of my fear and my pride and just fall. I just couldn't resist the urge and I free fell into a whirlwind, a whirlwind that felt so good. It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.

And the moment he told me he loved me, I didn't hesitate to tell him that I did, too. I held on to that moment for a long time, remembering that that feeling was one that was too special to ever forget. 

But, everything fell apart and in a matter of minutes I was all alone. I had hit rock bottom and it was left up to me to find the shattered pieces of my heart, pick myself up and carry on. All I can remember is sitting there for a long while just in my own silence. I didn't move, I didn't cry, I just sat. It was like when an earthquake hits and the initial shake disrupts everything around you and its only the aftershock that really sets things into motion. When everything really began to settle and I had realized that everything that was never going to be again, well, that's when my heart really broke.

One thing that I learned about heartbreak it that it's really a funny thing. The time that you spend just there in your own denial causes the cracks to spread and piece by piece the parts fall and are lost. I can't tell you how much I cried or even for how long, but I can tell you that crying was the most comforting thing I could do; it was all I could do. There was nobody there to hold me anymore, nobody to care for or about me, nobody to love me, or so it felt. That feeling is just one of lasting emptiness and there's just nothing you can really do about it. 

I never really did stop crying- I still cry from time to time because at any given moment I'll feel my gut twist like how it did that day and I'm reminded of that feeling; pain so complex that only three simple words could create.

A new piece of my heart is found each day, a lot that I've found on my own, some that my friends have stumbled across and then there's the ones that you've placed right back in my hand. 

One thing that I can tell you about what you mean to me is that you came around so unexpected; of all the people in the world that I thought would help me to my feet, I never thought it would be you. I know that I shied away most of the time, ignoring my feelings because my heart wasn't quite capable of holding anything. It was like a clay pot with a big hole in the bottom that is then filled with sand- everything just wasted away. It did frustrate me a lot at times because I almost wanted to tell you but then again I didn't want to break my own heart either, so I left it alone. Many days were me in my room crying and throwing things, feeling trapped in an invisible cage so far away from everything that I had wanted and hoped for that just wouldn't be. 

I still remember the day you hugged me- I closed my eyes and felt a familiar feeling;

It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.

It jumped me and I guess I tried to avoid it, but it kept on coming at me stronger and stronger until the day our lips met. It should've been so wrong but everything said that it was right. I didn't quite know what to do because I was reminded of everything that I had lost in a matter of seconds. 

We're here now- months later and I'm faced with the same three words that have knocked me down times before. At times it's more comforting to think that it's a lie you've told me, but what if it's not? What if that day you really did mean every word? What am I to do? And I know that I told you that I had loved you too but... I just don't know. I just CAN'T know. 

It's just a lot easier to walk away empty handed than empty hearted because one day we're gonna separate. We're gonna go back to me. And you. No more us or we or our. Sometimes I think you ignore that fact because you're able to focus on today, but unfortunately love doesn't work like that. When love is real, it lingers on like a residue on the fine pieces of the broken heart. What then? 

I love you. I guess I really do- I love everything that you've done to help me love myself and I love the ways that you show that you love me. I feel like since I've got back my heart, I've been cradling it in my arms, keeping it close to me because I know that nobody will ever care for it the way that I can. But... well everyone's gotta let go SOMEDAY and I guess maybe it's time I put it in your hands. 

THE END

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell

Reggae Month! / "Get Free" Major Lazer ft. Amber (of Dirty Projectors)

Helloooo!

I just got this really awesome idea for Music Daily- Reggae Month. A way to incorporate an island vibe to the music that I share with you guys. Reggae is the main type of music played here in the Caribbean and there are many different branches of this from Dance hall to Soca and Calypso and it plays a big part in the culture. I'm not extremely familiar with a lot of music in this genre considering in the USA, pop, hip-hop and dance music, not to mention country (which I don't really listen to, to be honest) are the dominant genres, however, I think that by having to dig up 31 songs to post on my blog that it might even help me to learn more about the place in which I've been living. Without further adieu, I welcome you guys to Music Daily October- Reggae Month!

Now although it's still September, I wanted to get a jump start on this reggae month with some Major Lazer. Major Lazer is a DJ group in the UK and they are AMAZING! From the moment I first heard them, I was like, "These guys are special." Most of their music is dance hall and reggae related which makes their sound extremely authentic and I love it.

This song that I'm posting today called "Get Free" is a song that is full of mojo; I always feel like I'm in a five minute trance while listening to it. The track made my Major Lazer is just really unique and smooth- pretty hard for me to describe, really. Amber, the singer of the song has a strange style to her voice that is in perfect harmony (pardon the pun) to the lyrics that the song is comprised of. Her voice isn't extremely powerful or anything like that, but she reminds me of Haley Williams from Paramore in that although their voices aren't memorable for their complex rifts and tricks that they do with their voices, they are memorable for their tones and quality. As for this song, Amber's voice is the best fit; I mean, I don't think that this song would have done the same for me if Jessie J or Beyonce stepped in and sang the song.

The lyrics are simple yet deep and that's what I love about the song. It talks about struggle and yearning for a chance to "get free" and follow your dreams. When you sit down and follow the story, you find that the song is able to resonate with you, no matter where you come from or what path of life you're on. Songs like that earn a special part in my heart because they're used to do something positive and therefore can be remembered for a lifetime whereas when you have songs like "Pop Champagne" or "Your Love is My Drug," songs that were so popular in their time, are so easily forgotten when a new line of top hits come in. Now, don't get me wrong- I loved those songs and still love to hear when they get played on the radio every three years or so (LOL), but I think we need to find a balance between catchy tracks and important lyrics like how Major Lazer and Amber have in this song.

Well, now here's the chance for you guys to hear for yourselves. Tell me what you guys think in the comments below and if you guys have any reggae or Caribbean influenced songs that you know and want me to check out, feel free to leave the title and artist below as well. Thanks guys!

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell