#POETICJUSTICE

Hey guys,

So I don't know how many of you have been following my Google + recently, but I've been posting quite a bit about this "#POETICJUSTICE," and I only just realized that many of you guys probably have no idea what I mean by it, or even what the phrase in and of itself means. So, in this post, I'll give you the whole shake down.

Poetic justice is a literary device used to portray consequence for ones actions- which is where the "justice" comes in. However, as it is poetic, there's a certain rhythm or art to it, and the justice isn't always negative. It's pretty much like if you do something good, you get good in return. Just as well, if you do bad, you get bad as a result.

I've had another interpretation of this phrase not only because of the song, "Poetic Justice" by Kendrick Lamar, or more specifically the remix by Lyric 145, but just the way it sounds. What if love was described as being "poetic justice?" What if it was so rhythmic, artistic and beautiful that it felt like what you've been waiting for for so long, but were never able to achieve? That's what "poetic justice" means to ME.

That being said, I've been thinking about it a lot because I've realized more of what I want in a guy as I get older and that's one that is good with words- someone who's not afraid to be artistic and who treasures the simple gifts of just being... poetic. I've always thought about it- like, being a writer, I've always wondered if I should've stopped with the jocks and tried someone more down to earth, like a writer or a musician but I never did. I always ended up settling and now I really regret it because that's a type of love that probably would've done me well.

So, the question remains- why am I so interested in this whole idea NOW? Well, because I've fallen for a rapper, LOL.

So, I know this guy personally and he's just the coolest thing ever. We never used to talk before because yeah- I'm the nerdy blogger that hides behind huge glasses and surrounds herself with a gang load of teenage boys as friends. I never thought that he'd ever be interested in talking to me. I mean, besides the occasional "hello" or the inquiry for a piece of gum or a mento, our paths never crossed.

To top it off, he's oober talented. Like, just hearing his music made my skin tingle. I immediately got this sense of "he's so outta my league here like I'd be DISRESPECTFUL even trying to talk to him." That's a lot of junk, by the way, because that whole "league" talk is soooo superficial and self demeaning. At any rate, that's how I felt, so I forgot about him entirely... until recently.

We talked; we had a legit conversation about music and his plans for the future and it felt like he was everything I had wanted when I thought about poetic justice. But, his bus came and he left and I was right where I left off. It felt pretty sad at the time because there was something in him that you don't see too often, and I'll tell you why.

Boys nowadays have this narcissistic view to the world, especially love and relationships. Their main goal is to figure out how to get you to do what they want you to do. They try every card in the pack, trying to see if you're self conscious or if you trust easily or if you're afraid of something- they get into you're head in order to get YOU into their bed. It's a sick reality that we as girls need to acknowledge early on to avoid heart break. That's why I'm jaded when it comes to athletes; all of them have been like that to me. It leads me to believe that they don't really focus on the importance of their words past how saying them benefits them. However, with guys that are writers, musicians, and artists, they have a more rounded view of things. Like, it's not like a great deal of them aren't retards, too, but they often have a gentler approach and they speak from the heart.

That's what I saw in this guy. Let's call him Daniel. Daniel is just everything. He's so cute, with the perfect smile and this kind of chill disposition. He's not all too inviting, not in a bad way, but he's shy in a way where he won't show it, but he just won't approach you and so he seems unapproachable. He's so clever when it comes to expressing himself. Even in the jokes that he tells, he's just really smart although he's quick to deny it. When he likes a girl, he treats her like porcelain; he's gentle, soft spoken, kind, and just an all around gentleman.

He likes me. And, as you can see, I like him a lot, but I guess prior mistakes have lead me to watch my step and to keep him an arms-width away. But I have felt this so called poetic justice, be it in the way he calls me beautiful for no apparent reason or perhaps his blatant honesty, no matter how dorky it makes him look. He's genuine and amazing to me, and I'm just really glad that he's around so that if not myself in the future, another deserving girl will be lucky enough to experience what a real guy gives.

#POETICJUSTICE, guys, is what you should focus on. Don't just tell her that she's got a killer body and that you love to kiss her and you want to be around her- make her feel it. Add some rhythm and life to it, love her like it's poetry written in blood on her heart. Give her exactly what she deserves as a girl, which is a guy she can depend on and trust, a guy who likes her for who she is on the inside foremost, a guy that thinks the world of her and isn't afraid to be considered "sensitive" in order to make it known.

As for Daniel, I don't really know what to say. I guess, if I had the chance, I would say thank you for making this past week so special. I guess I lost a lot of self confidence with the ending of my last relationship, especially in HOW it ended, and it has felt like I've been given that extra push that I needed to build myself back up and move on. You often forget how nice it is to hear certain things, no matter how small they are, but it really is nice. No matter how much I think you're lying sometimes or I just think "okay- he's saying this because he's a boy and boys have been literally trained for this their whole lives," it still feels good to know that I'm appreciated and that someone enjoys my company as much as I do theirs. I hope that we can be friends for a long while because you're the type of guy that I duct tape to my wrist, LOL. I'm kidding, but seriously- you're a really great guy, and I know that from experience. Your one telling trait is your humility. You don't expect too much from a girl and you respect her as an individual. You don't tell yourself, "Hey- I'm sexy Daniel and I deserve a chick just as sexy who will do this and that for me because... hell- I'M DANIEL, THAT'S WHY!" You truly are just all around awesome and I appreciate all that you've done for me so far- even the things you don't even realize you did.

So... that's it guys. That's my little condensed reasoning behind my overuse of this hashtag, hehehehe. Hope it has all made sense... sorta. Thanks for reading :'D.

Also, welcome newcomers! I'm stoked that you guys have been visiting my blog and I hope you enjoy my posts. It means a lot to me that you're here...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

My Confessional

So I've had this blog for a little over two years now and in that short space of time a lot of things in my life changed. I moved from my American home to one out in the foreign tropics. I've gotten two years older, which in and of itself yields its varying changes. I've changed schools and made new friends. I've gotten into volleyball, a sport that seems to dominate my life nowadays. I've fallen in love more than once and had more than my fair share of heartbreak and heartache. I've done some... not-so-great things. I've gotten into a lot of trouble with my parents, and am now thus trying to earn back a whole lotta trust. I've gone to the brink of just giving up on everything, and even trying to end my life. These past two years have felt like the longest two years of my life and here I am now. Problem is... well... I'm here now, but I don't really know how I feel about it.

I feel like the greatest battle that I've been fighting is that of trying to find Katrina and to really love her. Often, I feel like I've found her and I've gotten to embrace all of her imperfections and perks, but then something comes up that makes me stumble and fall and it's pretty much like I've lost her. I felt that way recently when Kody and I stopped talking. It's been quite hard for me because he was just kinda always there and I felt like if it was anyone right now that I could rely on, it would be him. However, by doing that I let myself down again because now that he's not around, I just feel really lonely I guess. It's often an empty feeling of being in a country so far from home and your true best friends and you're just the foreigner. To be honest, although he reminded me that he's still here for me, it's just kinda evident that he's happier without me around. He has his own friends and he's moving on without me and it's kinda like a hint that I should do the same. I'll admit that its a valid point, but the way in which our friendship broke apart and the time in which it did has left me searching again for who I really was.

I hate who I've become in the process- it's been an obnoxious way of living. I guess in order to put out an outward display of happiness, I've become really loud and jubilant. I hug everyone and I yell and I smile just a bit wider that I used to and I laugh REALLY REALLY loudly. But on the inside I just feel disgusted. I really dislike Katrina in every shape and form and it's been something that I've battled with since I was really young. Because of this front that I've put up, by the time I get home, all I can do is cry. Cry and cry and cry and cry and just release all of my frustration.

That's another thing that I hate about myself- I'm too emotional. It really is a good thing that I prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls because I deal with enough emotion within myself. I don't know if I can take any more. Often my display of emotion is misread and people automatically freak out but... I hurt a lot for various reasons and often my reactions to things aren't specifically regarding that situation, but rather that problem mixed with the emotions that have hung on the brink from other things, too. My reaction becomes a melting pot that starts to bubble over. It's cost me many relationships, be it friends, family and/or romantic and all it does is add to my frustration. I'm not a crazy person by any means, but sometimes when I start to cry and I say things that are just WAY out there, I look like it to everyone else and even feel like it myself. It hurts to know that because I haven't been able to find an avenue to channel my feelings properly that people that mean so much to me, but don't understand what I go through, will continue to distance themselves.

In terms of physical appearance, I'm not one to consider myself attractive on a regular basis. I tend to hide behind vibrant colors and large glasses that distract people from my physical features because while there are some things about me that I find beautiful, they're few and far between. A big part of that has been my weight and ANYONE that knows me well will say that I complain about it often. Currently I weigh around 156.5 lbs on a good day, but that's after an extensive diet that I've worked on and losing almost ten pounds. It's not the worst out there, and a good deal of it (I'm sure) is muscle but it still bothers me.

Often my idea of beauty is relevant to what the person I like at the time likes. Currently the general look is light skinned, long, curly haired, skinny, yet curvy with perfect teeth and radiant eyes. As for me- that's just almost the complete opposite of what I am and it upsets me. I feel almost like I've tried it all, from the diets and workouts to the braces and contacts and in the end I'm still left with 100% Katrina. In the end, it all boils down to just accepting that I'll always be Katrina and that I'm wasting my time trying to be someone else. C'est La Vie.

I often return to a solemn feeling inside that just kinda inquires as to WHY I'm here. Why I wake up every morning to a beautiful sunrise that hits the pool outside my window just right, why I breathe in rhythm, why everything around me moves when inside I feel like I've been standing still. Those thoughts proved to be dangerous only about 6 months ago when they materialized and became suicide attempts.

I remember distinctly when I opened the cupboard ever so cautiously and cursed at the fact that all we had were allergy pills and two pain relievers. I grabbed them anyways and hid them under my shirt. I locked my bedroom door and blasted "Starry Skies" by Jaden Smith on my speakers, stared into the mirror of my bathroom and kinda said my goodbyes to myself. It's hard to look back on, to think that I was so okay with leaving behind everything. It took a lot of time before I finally decided to swallow a mere eight allergy meds and the two Excedrin. I guess thinking back, I was afraid of death. After they went down, it was scary to imagine that I just did that to myself. Images of convulsions filled my head and I kinda just went to bed and waited for the worst of it to set in. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, made drowsy by the medication cocktail and hours of crying that I'd done hours before. The worst part was waking up. I woke up. I just remember being angry on another level and I felt like it was my fault, the same person  that I was trying to kill was fighting to stay alive and it was an internal battle that I distinctly remember me to this day. Soon after, I tried for a second time, still within a 12 hour period of the previous one. I went back and took out the whole allergy carton and just the sound, that "snap, snap, snap..." of the pills being popped out of the cartridge made my skin crawl. By the time I took them, I had taken a total of 23 tablets of 24 hour medication. Unlike last time, however, I had to go out soon after and the car ride was when I felt the effects.

You could say I was high, I suppose, The word faded is probably the best term given to the feeling that I had. My vision was so hazy and it was almost as if either the world was passing by too quickly or I was in slow motion, but there was a noticeable delay between myself and time. My speech was slurring and I couldn't formulate words, so I stayed silent. But- the effects were't enough to do much more than that. At that point I just gave up. I told myself that I would have to push through for a little while and get myself out of the slump I was in.

One thing that I learned soon after those attempts was that I needed to have a little bit more humility and stop thinking only of myself. I realized that in an effort to rid myself of the pain in my heart, I was willing to rip out those of my mom, my dad, my brother, Waffle, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, Amber, my friends, and everyone else who loves me more than I even love myself. That's something that showed me how selfish I was being and it put a new twist into my head. With me gone, the world only stops for me; no one else. Yeah, they might grieve me for a while, but life still goes on and there would become a point when days go by without thoughts of me in their mind. And where would I be? Six feet under.

Less than a week later, I started volleyball. I threw myself into it whole-souled hoping to find an outlet and some fun. I soon started to train with my school's team and that's when I really started to hang with Kody. I guess that's why his friendship meant a lot to me because he saw in me everything that I wanted to destroy. He was the one that told me that I was pretty on my messiest days and gave me a shoulder just to rest on when those old feelings started to rise back and... sigh, I'm gonna cry as I type this, LOL. Sometimes he would just say something that made my day for no reason and on many of those days, it prevented me from trying again. I can therefore say that to me he was my rock in ways that I don't think he would've ever began to expect.

I wrote this confessional to let you guys know that when sit behind this keyboard and promote the Lowell Militia that never stands down and fought to be who we are that I'm not a perfect girl in any way, form or fashion. I hate to play the victim card, but I honestly feel that a good deal of my potentiality to be more positive and joyous as I grew up was ripped from me from the time the bullying set in. I can't even begin to describe how hard it was for me as a little girl to just be hated because of my skin color and the texture of my hair. That's all it was- factors that made me me and that I couldn't control. I often compare myself back then to myself now and the same things that I was ridiculed about I still fuss about today. And even though I've made the realization, I still struggle with it all.

One thing that I've been telling myself as old feelings ride my heart as I approach yet another birthday and I seemingly lose a best friend at a time where I might've needed him most, is to take each day as it comes. I wake up, prepare for school, arrive at school, go through my classes and try my best, play volleyball, come home, do my homework, read a little, go to bed. My attitude has a range on highs and lows and I try to manage my lows and sustain my highs the best I can and a good part of that has been reading and trying to work on my writing on a daily basis. I often feel like I'm not heard and so rather than talking I type and it lifts me up like nothing else.

Music has also played a huge part in my therapeutic regiment. I often find songs that spell out my feelings and reassure me that I'm not the only out there feeling this way and if they're finding a way to express how they feel, then so should I. I've also started to secretly see a counselor and she's always giving me new challenges; new ways to combat my feelings and to move on. I've realized that I have a lot of anxieties, one of which is that of being alone so I try to hang on to people like a safety net and thus settle for anything and all that ends up happening is that I get hurt. That's one of the ultimate things that I've been working on in order to start moving forward.

Life isn't easy- not for anyone. But one quote that has kept with me throughout this whole ordeal is the one by Vivian Greene that states "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

I am Katrina Lowell- and this has been my confessional. <3

Being A Blogger in 2014

Hey Guys,

So I'm here... been sitting here for about an hour listening to both "Birdy" and "Pure Heroine," at a loss for which topic to write about. I wanna write about my resolutions, but that's gonna take a fresh cup of coffee and a long night. I wanna write about love, but (and this is gonna sound real mean) I've been feeling like Taylor Swift- I need a break... pardon the pun. I wanna write about my best friends, like Amber White and how this year will be the friendiversary that signifies our half-a-lifetime friendship. I wanna talk about Kody and the rest of the people that I'll be leaving behind this summer and how I feel about that. I wanna talk about Waffle's fifth birthday this month and how my puppy... well he's not a puppy anymore. I wanna write a "Beautiful" chapter FINALLY. I wanna write about the music scene this past year and why I've been so disappointed. I wanna start new revolutions this year with the Lowell Militia. I wanna share my life on this blog because sometimes I feel like it's the one thing that makes me look forward to each day's adventures.

What now? That's the question, right? I don't know LOL.

I just have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG! Big in terms of news for my blog and different things that I blog about and I'm planning on taking some more steps when it comes to my blog, as in merchandise and global outreach and just working on expansion. I'm definitely excited :)

ALSO, I'm planning on getting my friends involved in my blog as well. I'm sure they're reading this like "say what now?!" But, I mean, I want to have discussions and do different tags with them. Right now, we're working on the Besties Tag and... well, it's taking a while because Amber thinks that she knows EVERYTHING about me anyways and Kody... well... he's a boy and we all know that slacking is almost like part of their genetic makeup, right? Girls- you know exactly what I mean. At any rate, it'll get done sooner or later, and once that gets done, we can work towards more posts that'll be just as, if not more, interesting and just altogether fun. Well... as interesting as they can be. My friend Brad wants us to discuss the two birds he saw today :/... excuse him, guys... he's... he's a twin. I think Caydon, his brother, got all the brains LOL.

The one thing that I've wanted the most is to get you guys, my readers, involved. It's been two years and some and still no comments, barely any poll votes and while I see all the worldwide views, I feel sometimes like I'm writing to myself. That being said, I want to go back to my foundation and start to build almost from the ground up, incorporating you guys in everything that I do. When I first put up my blog, I gave you all my e-mail address and promised to post anything that YOU guys wanted to share with the world, be it artwork, photography, poems, prose or just experiences that you could share with the other readers of the blog. I had said that I wanted to have discussions with you guys after I posted a post that you enjoyed, just to hear about how it related to you and how I could improve in my posts moving forward. I had especially put up the "Ask Katrina" part of my blog to give you specific advice on whatever you wanted help with. I want us to get to know each other TRULY as a leader with his soldiers. I don't wanna work like a commander who puts out something and just expects results. I want you guys to help me help you; a symbiotic relationship.

Anyhow, being a blogger in 2014 is bound to be exciting. After being in a bloggers shoes for these past two years or so, I've gotten an view of the world like no other. I read EVERYTHING in my environment, be it feelings, facial expressions, signs, stickers, etc. I read those things on a deeper level in that I think to myself how that represents us as a generation and what it means for our mentality as we progress in the future. At the end of the day, that's really all that we have left to think about.

Yesterday, during my bible study, I was asked if I believed that the world was going to improve as we move forward and... I was saddened to respond saying no. I mean, I honestly don't. I know that there are always people trying to make a change and to give us hope in every way, big or small. In fact, that's exactly what I try to do here with my little blogs. But, you know, there's only so much we can do for ourselves as we move ahead. But, that being said, this year is just another year that we have to work just a little harder to make the small, simple joys lasting ones. That's what this blog is gonna focus on this year- the simple gifts of joy that we get in life.

Love Always,
Katrina Lowell

Creative Identity

Hey Readers,

A funny thought just ran through my head as I sit here in the parking lot waiting for my mother; this thought happens to be one about my creative identity as it applies to me as an artist. I like to call myself an artist in that although I can’t particularly draw well, nor can I mold anything of importance or dance or anything of the sort, but I have an appreciation and a knack for anything that has to do with language and music. The funny part is that who I've created in terms of my persona when it comes to that special part of my brain (AKA Katrina Lowell) is so different from who I actually am.

can still remember when Katrina first popped into my mind and from that day I've held her close. In a way, I've referred to every part of me that has found a way to reach outside of my bashful mind and touch others as “Katrina.”  I don’t think that’s right because after a while of believing that everything bold and beautiful (not the soap opera, but the two adjectives put together) about me belongs to Katrina, then she begins to become like another person in my eyes. In fact, at school when I write essays or compositions, I either always have a character by the name of Katrina, be it the narrator or another female character or I put that the author was Katrina Lowell and not me, although I’ll put my name at the top of the page. The funniest part is that when it’s done and I read it, it feels like a distant part of me.

During the summer I did a lot of reading- Stephen King novels in particular. Now, Stephen King is an amazing writer and all, but as a disclaimer, his material isn't for everyone, so beware. Anyhow, one of the novels that I read was called “The Dark Half.” This book was about a writer who after having a long period of non-production  due to writer’s block, decided to try writing under a pen name. These books were extremely popular when they came out and were on high demand. Through a turn of events, the author decided to come out and say that he was the real author of these books and that he would be “burying” his alter ego. Long story short, his alter ego came to life and started killing the people that he believed encouraged the author to stop using him. The story went into detail the relationship of the author and his very life-like persona.

Imagine me as an author with a pen name reading something as morbid as that book; I won’t like to you guys- I was kinda terrified. After that book I was like,” Oh okay yeah; Katrina’s gonna stay around for a while.” LOL. But in all honesty I think that the main problem is that Katrina and I need become ONE with one another. I let her be in the limelight because hiding in her shadows makes me feel safe. People that know me personally read my blog and honestly can’t believe that I’m the one behind the stuff that I write. Especially now that I’m at this new school, I've been extremely shy and quiet, hanging out and talking to very few select people of whom a majority are made up of Kenny’s friends and some others from Volleyball. I dare not tell them that I have a blog; I think only Kenny knows and I didn't even tell him the web address. I think as I merge with Katrina that I should keep to myself for a little.
I guess in the end, this post isn't quite as funny as it ironic or… how should I say it? Reflective, maybe? Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. I feel better now, LOL. I seem to always feel better after writing something. Well, I guess that’s it for now folks. Have an amazing day :).

Love Always <3,
Miss Katrina Lowell ;)
                                                                                       

One Last Thing To Say...

Hey Readers,

So there's something I wanted to share with you- I've transferred to my dream school. After two years on this island working hard for the chance to get here, it feels amazing. It's hard to imagine that I moved here two years behind of the curriculum and within my first term making it to second in my class and then the following year first in class AND exams. I can't exactly tell you that my journey here was smooth sailing; from the time I started school over a decade ago, I had some sort of issue, be it a learning issue or a social issue and it broke me down quite a bit, but one thing that I've always been is determined. Being a victim was just never good enough for me. One thing that I have GOT to say is that my parents have been a HUGE part of why I've succeeded because when I was struggling to keep up in school, they were the ones who dedicated their time to showing me what to do and patiently helping me along. They've encouraged me from the beginning and I couldn't be anything without them.

Although I would love to sit here and talk like I'm accepting a Grammy Award, thanking everyone, I'd really like to get to the meat of my post- the last thing that I want to say, not just to and about my former school, but to all of those that I've left behind and to you guys to inspire you to always seek for bigger, better things, no matter what it is or how distant the dream seems. Well, here I go...

***

Two years ago I moved to this island with quite a few expectations of this new life; I applied to the school that my parents both attended, one of the two best schools here, with hopes of continuing the "legacy." After my first three weeks here, I realized that this dream wouldn't become a reality; there wasn't any room for me there and so I had to look elsewhere. I was struck with a anvil of disappointment, but I decided to make the best of my situation. When I was placed at the private school that I attended, I had high hopes. I had the naive idea that being such a small school that I would be liked by everyone; I'm American, I'm nice, I'm smart- what's not to like, right? Wrong. I wanted to do what I've always wanted to do at any school that I attended- I wanted to leave it better than it was when I came. But, I've done something better; I've left MYSELF better than I was when I first got there.

I won't sugar coat anything here- When the name "Katrina Lowell" is mentioned at that school, hatred burns in a majority of their eyes. They think I'm a pompous, arrogant, American chick with the false sense that I'm anything to the world when to them there's very little difference between me and the pile of trash that they place in their front yard to be picked up by the garbage authority to be disposed of and/or burned. I'll admit that it was hard for me to acknowledge this before, but now I'm able to see the bigger picture and it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It's funny how I can only see the pros in a con-filled situation after it passes. At any rate, here's what I've learned:

1. Being a "loner" is often more of a blessing than it is a curse- People use the term "loner" to loosely. What exactly does it mean to be alone? It simply means that those who can't understand you, don't want to understand you and/or are afraid of you for whatever reason distance themselves from you and make it evident to you that you aren't accepted in their circles and "don't belong" there. Now, think about that- is it really all that bad? Yeah, sure it does get hard when you're lonely and you see how everyone else has company of someone else, but the true secret to being happy is having at least one good friend that you can trust and who loves you for you. A lot of the time, the same people that you think have all the friends are the ones that don't have any REAL friends at all. Plus, being alone gives you a lot of time to think and become happy with who you are; you focus on what makes you happy, what makes you a better person and you focus on working towards your future which, believe it or not, won't matter if you're popular or not. So, really and truly I've learned that those who were my closest friends and still are are the people that I hold close like family, that I am a stronger, brighter, harder-working girl than I was when I first got here and that even though I thought it sucked, it has provided me with more blessings than I could have been given being little miss popular.

2. There are some things that they can't take from you- No matter how hard those people worked to bring me down, there were just some things that were a part of me that wouldn't crumble under the weight of their attacks. For instance, my brain; I won't lie to you- I did walk around like I was the spawn of Einstein, but that's just because being confident is the only way for me to move forward. Plus, after being a late bloomer and working hard enough to give me gray hairs, I think I deserve to say and do what I feel like. That's the thing that people don't realize; you can't hate me for working harder than you. I can sit here and describe in detail the structure of the nucleus without a biology book in sight- how the nucleus is surrounded by a nuclear membrane made up of two thin membranes that contain small holes known as nuclear pores and within the nuclear membrane was a jelly-like substance known as nucleoplasm that contained chromosomes that contained Deoxyribo Nucleic Acid (DNA) which contain genes which contain genetic information and all that other stuff. That, my dear friends, is just a basic example of what I can do, but you know what? I spent hours and hours, reaching hours like 4 AM and waking up at 5, just to be able to do things like that to earn me my 84% on my end of year exam. Who else wants to put that sort of dedication into their work? No one? Then if you don't, how can you look at me and hate on me when all I'm doing is what you don't have the desire to do? And the funny part lies in the fact that although they put heat on me for being a "nerd," I was the one with the 84 and they had the 41's. Besides my brain, things like the love of my family and close friends and my heart that stops at nothing to push me to fulfilling my goals are all things that they were just never able to take from me and therefore, they're really the ones that have lost in the end.

3. I am exactly who I want to be- One thing that I can most definitely say is that I have grown up so much and I am just where I want to be. Of course I've messed up along the way and I've felt defeated, but one thing that I've always been able to do is get back up when I'm down. When I first came here, I had a twisted idea of the world, and it's ironic that this "twisted" concept is that everyone is nice until given a reason to be mean. I've learned that human beings, at the end of the day, are animals that often lack reasoning and that's all that there is to it. As Ben Carson, a well known neurosurgeon and author, has said many times, we, human beings created in such a special way, are blessed with frontal lobes and need to realize that we were given them for a reason and should therefore USE them instead of operating like dogs who operate on instinct and not reasoning. I've learned the same thing and I've spent a lot of time soul searching. That's why I'm able to say that although there were a lot of things that I didn't like about my old school, those very same things shaped who I am today and help me to avoid doing things that will lead me down a negative path later in life. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Now that I'm at my new school, I feel refreshed. I've worked harder than I ever have in life to be there and I finally feel like I fit in. The smallest things, like putting on my uniform in the morning, make me happy. I finally feel proud in my uniform. I love it, no matter how ugly the big pocket on my skirt is or how masculine my black, leather shoes are. That uniform is the evidence of the journey I've traveled and I'm happy. I recently got into volleyball and I've met some amazing people along the way. My coach is a big part of why I'm there and he continues to be there for me everyday, lending an ear and helping where he can. I've also made some great friends that have helped me settle in, showing me around the school, making sure I never eat alone, introducing me to their friends and encouraging me in everything that I do; one in particular is Kody, who I just HAVE to mention because he is actually a family friend that I knew from before volleyball. On my first day of school, he waited for me in the morning, showed me to my class, introduced me to some classmates, bought my lunch for me that day and even helps me with my Spanish homework some days. I couldn't ask for a better friend and so although I highly doubt he's reading this or ever will THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH ;).

Well, I feel all out of words to say now so... I think I'm gonna go to bed and get some rest so I'm nice and fresh for school tomorrow morning (YAY!). Goodnight world.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

My Untitled Poem :P

Hey guys,

I sit here and cringe as I type, thinking of how disappointed some of you must be. The summer has nearly come to an end and I've done NOTHING!!!! I am soooooooo sorry about that guys. To be honest, I've been dealing with some stuff at home that has pretty much put my brain on hold as it applies to creative expression, such as writing, but you know what? I'm gonna slap myself in the face and tell myself to pull it together.

Anyhow, as you can see from the title, I've written a poem. This is... very unusual for me. To be completely honest, poetry is that looming dark cloud that I've tried to hide from. In English at school, when my teacher tells us to pull out our poetry books to analyze poems, I feel like everything inside... drops. It's a sinking feeling like my body decided to melt into the tiles under my feet. I guess my mind is to literal to understand a full body of text that says one thing and means another. That's why I can go a full term with grades ranging 90 - 100 % and get a nice little 60% to put me in the 80% range... awesome :/.

As for writing poetry, I find it like song writing- extraordinarily painful and frustrating. I haven't even attempted to try writing one for a year or so. So imagine my great surprise when I sat down at midnight last night and these words spilled out onto a page of my journal with stanzas and a rhyme pattern. It was amazing to ME at least, and I immediately thought "first thing tomorrow- this gets posted." The problem that I've faced is finding a title- A TITLE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Why is this one simple thing the hardest thing for me to create. It's just remarkable how I was able to sit down and create a poem that's worth sharing, but the thing that I've always been able to do just isn't coming to me. I really can't understand it. Anyhow, maybe ya'll can help me by posting titles that you've thought of or, better yet, a certain BEST FRIEND of mine who is a poem junkie could offer me a few creative suggestions (hint hint, Miss Amber White). LOL, well here goes nothing; I now present you with my untitled poem. Hope you enjoy :)

***

It's almost disgustingly humorous how I'd thought it would last,
This deeply dark and mysterious thing I had cast.
Something most people can't get enough of;
Something we heathens call LOVE.

Heathen you say? Why's that?
Because we've shut our mind to reality, our hearts to the facts;
Because if we were truly believers we would have understood
That this rosy pink demon would prick us all if it could.

To those who see its thorns and still extend a hand to pick this,
I feel pity, for they don't realize that it's a trap for sickness...
A deep seeded hole by which love is planted
Into hearts of those whose veins demand it;

Demand that hot rush, hot flush of cheeks when that lover walks by,
Sick, sick, sickening a cell, growing anemic to the irony that reddens this high.

But I must admit, love smells light and sweet,
A scent that strengthens when me and another meet.
The roots extend deeper and embed itself deep into our skin,
Making us feel airy, weightless and thin;
Floating away so quickly that I wasn't not even aware
of everything and everyone I'd left behind down here.

Down here, back on Earth where stems began to shoot upwards against the gravity
And lives began to change as we dreampt about you and me.
We felt this budding relationship bloom and we planned it's future,
but we felt some new wounds that we then tried desperately to suture.

Holes ripped into soft skin
By vicious thorns, snaking from hate, one of love's kin.

We held on for way too long,
Tightening our grip on this tainted whip...

But now as I unfold my fist I've found
A withered rose, petals of deep red turned brown.
And as if trying to revive what's left,
Tears fall to my palm, but not even my rain could be that deft;

Not skilled enough to return which was never meant to be,
Dreams of you and me that should've just BEEN dreams of you and me.
And to this day, it haunts me to close my eyes at night,
And see him take a hold of me, watching me melt without a fight
Because it's easier to feel what's not physically there
Than it is to be so close and fall victim to the fear...

Fear? Fear of what?
Fear of falling hard with no chance of getting up.

So instead I abstain from the beliefs of the unbelievers
And preach the gospel of my past,
Regretfully watching others' roses bloom
Wishing that mine had had the strength to last...


Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Summer in Style

Hey readers,

Well as I said in an earlier post, I've been doing some shopping here in the USA and before I began my summer I sat down and thought, "You know what Katrina? You are always going in places, grabbing random crap, trying it on and buying it- how cool would a THEME be?" and that's when I decided that I was going Vintage...

Well, It did take a little more thought than that before I finally decided on an old fashioned chic style. I considered just a full blown tomboy swag like Rihanna. Then it occurred to me- I'm not Rihanna and that look probably won't be pulled off by Katrina Lowell any time NOW or in the future... I guess what attracted me most were the shoes and snapbacks- I love both.

Rihanna in her "Tomboy Swag" at a Lakers Game- You go girl!

The shoes- Gosh, where do I begin? I love Vans and Converse and any type of shoe that fit like Toms; the ones that you can just slip on and just strut. They're just mega cool. Then there are THE SHOES- the sneaker/ high heel combination that just threw me into fits of fantasy INSTANTANEOUSLY... I just love the shoes...

These van's are studd-ing... That was a pun by the way :/

The paint splatters on this shoe are just so awesome looking- almost like a unicorn exploded :P

I love animal prints on ANYTHING, so the animal print and the rainbow color scheme is kinda cool...

I don't really know what this is and I like it because of that- it looks like something I would draw...

I like anything with a statement- How much you wanna bet Amber could write a poem instantly about this shoe? LOL

What girl doesn't like Wonder Woman?

YOU SEE THEM??? They're perf!

Once again, the animal print. Me gusta!

The Snap backs- Why am I slightly obsessed with these hats? I don't know; I just like to see them. They're just... I don't know. My mom hates them, especially on girls, but I mean, Look at Rihanna guys... She looks mega swag in her snap back- nuff said...

Just the basic snap back statement of swag- the usual...

I almost forgot about these guys- this would be my very first buy...

"YMCMB HOODIE HOODIE" LOL, comment if that rings a bell....

Ok, well that was the end of that idea and I moved onto my closet to see what I had that I really liked and that's when I saw my "Monteau" elephant dress... the dress that makes me feel like the cutest thing ever when I wear it. And that's when it hit me- what if I dressed like that everyday? I was dead set on the Vintage style from then and there.

This comes with a little white belt and its just sooo adorbz...

So with vintage there are a few basic components that I look for- button-up collars, lace, long- sleeves with cuffs, antique patterns, dresses with a "wide midriff", simple and somewhat vintage sneakers and finally the cool hairstyles. These all, to me, accentuate the things that make me beautiful and that's what matters the most to me. I also like to accessorize with big secretary glasses which make my nose look smaller (LOL) and bags with cartoon characters with an old fashioned theme. These things all make me me and that's why I chose vintage this year.

The collars- I like the button-up collars because they, for one, make my neck look a little longer. My beloved grandmother passed down her neck to me and, at times, it can make me look like I only have a head and shoulders :/, but that's my body and I'll work with it :). So these collars are just my solution. So far all of my shirts have tight collars and I love them- they also really bring in that 1900s chic style into light...

They call the swooping collar a "Peter Pan" collar. I think it's pretty cute :3

This one is simple yet unique.

The bright colors of this top are immediately attention grabbing... for me at least.

The Lace- Lace was a big part of the old fashioned  look- I like the more cottony lace rather than the thin lace like doilies. I especially like it at the back or the side of the dress or shirt... It just makes it look like a versatile article of clothing instead of the everyday one-fabric article,

The lace in some of these dresses immediately make them stand out against the ones without them. I especially like #4 with the white lace over that beautiful fuchsia color underneath.  

I like how both lace and the Peter Pan collar are incorporated in this top.

This one, although not my preferred type of lace, is really cute and dainty. It gives it an antique type of look.

The Long Sleeves- I'm not sure how popular these shirts were back then, but the look is modernly vintage and I like it- The long sleeves with the cuffs make me look a little more mature and add a little more chic to the look. No real other reason besides that.. I just love em'.

Forget the cuffs in this one- You see the gold border on her collar! Beautiful :)

On this model the shirt has kind of lost its femininity, but the top is pretty nice.

I love this ensemble- Vintage? probably not but Glam? Most definitely!

Patterns- This usually applies to my pants. I know back then, the MEN wore the pants in the relationship, but my addiction to skinny jeans is gonna prevent that from happening. Luckily for me, a few years back, patterned skinnies came out for the fall and I'm in love with them. I also like kooky patterns in my shirts and dresses, like my elephant dress :) just to make it a little more fun...

These washed-out jeans are unique and attention grabbing- me gusta!

I wish these were longer and not the cut offs, but  I like the pattern and so I'd probably try these on...

I AM SEARCHING FOR A PAIR OF THESE SO BADLY! I found some but I want THESE!

This outfit is very cute and vintage teacher-y. I like the shirt the most...

This. Shirt. Is. BEAST!

This whole picture is just right on point. The shirt is really different and eccentric. I dig it.

 

Dresses- I have understood and embraced my body shape from an early age- I have quite a bit at the top and quite bit at the bottom with a significant curve in my waist. I like to wear dresses that emphasize my waistline and hips without drawing too much attention to the top. I don't have any qualms with that area of my body, but I do admire how vintage clothes were modest enough to hide the cleavage white still highlighting a feminine shape. That's why I like the "wide waistine" shaped dresses where it comes in at the waist but goes out at the hip. It's just another thing about vintage that I have grown to love...

Although the term is "wide waistline," I like them like this, where it curves in at the waist just slightly and drops down  a little wider. It's just really nice looking...

Once again a Peter Pan Collar- I love this dress for the layers though and the floral print. The color is nice as well- a great fall dress.

Most of these dresses are ones that I would wear, although these offer some  cleavage, but hey as Amber would tell you, cleavage isn't always bad.

Shoes- I prefer sneakers, like Toms, Converse and Vans, so I told myself that I'd just incorporate simple black and white ones, or even ones with vintage patterns and themes in them. It works perfectly :)

I love the black at the front and the vintage floral at the back- I'll be hunting these down.

My new bag has these guys on them and I think the vintage Minnie and Mickey are just the cutest things ever.

At first I was like "ummmm- that looks like weed,' but upon a closer look, I saw that it was just a bunch of leaves. Personally, because of my first impression, I wouldn't wear them but... hey, why not...

THESE SHOES!

I like these type of slip on shoes. I have some jeans ones that are falling apart and I need a replacement pair FAST!

I really like these ones- the color scheme is pretty...

I actually have these exact shoes in a lavender/grayish color  but they're pretty dirty becuase I wore them to a concert and it rained and I got mud on them :/ I wore them today with a vintage dress and it kinda ruined the look...

Are these unique? Yes. Would I know how to wear these? Probably not.

Hairstyles- The sign of class; I'll let it speak for itself...

It was all about the curl back then...

First of all this picture is gold- second of all, I love how the curls at the front look like a bow at this angle- cute!

I'm dying to get a bandanna just to try out this style...

Here she is again- this time with a vintage low bun of which I would like to try out soon...

Lana Del Ray- forget the hair; have you ever seen anyone with more perfect lips? Like seriously, how was she born with those? People PAY for those....

I've never had like a "favorite brand" or anything, but I must say that when I'm shopping, I look on every tag for "Monteau." That brand is just perfect when it comes to retro mod vintage and their styles are not only old fashioned, but unique and I just love it. Here are a few of their clothes-

Well that's my summer style- I must say that I've very pleased with it. I'm excited when I go shopping and I'm constantly getting new ideas. I encourage you guys to establish your summer styles and try something new; it can be nerve wreaking at first, but then you get into a groove and wearing the clothes becomes a fun thing to do. Trust me ;)

Well, I've spent all night on this post, it is now almost 12:00 a.m. and so I'm gonna go ahead and get some beauty sleep...Goodnight (or rather good morning) readers!

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell