The Worst

I know that it's been a while since we spoke- I guess I just didn't know what to say. Well, that's not really all that true. The words have been here all along but I chose not to use them. At this point, I don't really have a choice.

Days and weeks have passed, but every night is spent with you on my mind. The thought that you're so close yet so far away leaves this feeling in my chest where just my whole world is laying right there, crushing me under it's weight. Everyday is of gray skies, rain and cold weather. You're smile isn't there to brighten up my mornings anymore. Tears fall everyday, even now as I write this letter, with no signs of a weather change. Safety and warmth is nestled so tightly in your arms and now... I'm left to lay alone and remember what it was like.

I guess it's hard to fathom that my best friend has become my greatest stranger. It's hard to realize that broken hearts are often uneven, and I'm just the one left with the greatest part of the mess to clean up alone. Truth is- I don't need you, but I want you. To be loved for who I was, even on my worst hair days and the depths of my PMS, is something that I've never experienced before. Did I take it for granted? I guess, yeah I did. I often felt like I didn't deserve it and in the end I was pretty much proven right. It still rings in my ears like an ache; "C'est La Vie." A phrase so right in the wrongest of ways. Facing the fact that my best just wasn't enough is something that I have yet to do. I did try my best because one thing that I knew was that you were the best I've ever had and... something deep in my heart just hints that it'll be a really long time until I feel like that again. It'll be long before I look in the mirror and don't feel disgust because I'm nothing like what you want.

You don't want me anymore.

I often said that you and I were only a moment. I don't think I really understood just how brief. In that brief moment I never said just what I probably should've. I don't believe within myself that this letter will do anything more than attempt to ease the hurt just for a little while. At any rate, there's something that I just really wanted you to know.

I don't mean to, but I love you... three words that have always been hard for me to say, but you make them so easy. I'm forgetting how it was to kiss you and to hold your hand. That's the worst. You were like my therapist and I loved all of our sessions. I remember how unbearable it was when we were in the kitchen cause we had to be quiet because our parent's listened.

You were sick of kissing- you wanted more. I get that, I honestly do. I guess for me I just struggled with the fear of making mistakes. But my biggest mistake was letting you go.

I miss you every day. I try so hard to make everything okay and surrounded by friends, I try to make myself numb to the pain inside, but I just don't know what to do anymore. It's as if nothing even matters. I honestly don't care about anything else in the world. Love is all around me, but not IN me.

I guess in conclusion, the best thing I could do is tell you how much you mean to me. My brain says to move on, but every time I'm with him, my heart reminds me of you. In truth, I don't want anyone else. Everything else just feels wrong.

I don't need you, but I want you. I don't mean to, but I love you. After all this time, I just wish you'd give us a second chance. Moments aren't always just once in a lifetime...

Sincerely,
Katrina

***

Being A Blogger in 2014

Hey Guys,

So I'm here... been sitting here for about an hour listening to both "Birdy" and "Pure Heroine," at a loss for which topic to write about. I wanna write about my resolutions, but that's gonna take a fresh cup of coffee and a long night. I wanna write about love, but (and this is gonna sound real mean) I've been feeling like Taylor Swift- I need a break... pardon the pun. I wanna write about my best friends, like Amber White and how this year will be the friendiversary that signifies our half-a-lifetime friendship. I wanna talk about Kody and the rest of the people that I'll be leaving behind this summer and how I feel about that. I wanna talk about Waffle's fifth birthday this month and how my puppy... well he's not a puppy anymore. I wanna write a "Beautiful" chapter FINALLY. I wanna write about the music scene this past year and why I've been so disappointed. I wanna start new revolutions this year with the Lowell Militia. I wanna share my life on this blog because sometimes I feel like it's the one thing that makes me look forward to each day's adventures.

What now? That's the question, right? I don't know LOL.

I just have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG! Big in terms of news for my blog and different things that I blog about and I'm planning on taking some more steps when it comes to my blog, as in merchandise and global outreach and just working on expansion. I'm definitely excited :)

ALSO, I'm planning on getting my friends involved in my blog as well. I'm sure they're reading this like "say what now?!" But, I mean, I want to have discussions and do different tags with them. Right now, we're working on the Besties Tag and... well, it's taking a while because Amber thinks that she knows EVERYTHING about me anyways and Kody... well... he's a boy and we all know that slacking is almost like part of their genetic makeup, right? Girls- you know exactly what I mean. At any rate, it'll get done sooner or later, and once that gets done, we can work towards more posts that'll be just as, if not more, interesting and just altogether fun. Well... as interesting as they can be. My friend Brad wants us to discuss the two birds he saw today :/... excuse him, guys... he's... he's a twin. I think Caydon, his brother, got all the brains LOL.

The one thing that I've wanted the most is to get you guys, my readers, involved. It's been two years and some and still no comments, barely any poll votes and while I see all the worldwide views, I feel sometimes like I'm writing to myself. That being said, I want to go back to my foundation and start to build almost from the ground up, incorporating you guys in everything that I do. When I first put up my blog, I gave you all my e-mail address and promised to post anything that YOU guys wanted to share with the world, be it artwork, photography, poems, prose or just experiences that you could share with the other readers of the blog. I had said that I wanted to have discussions with you guys after I posted a post that you enjoyed, just to hear about how it related to you and how I could improve in my posts moving forward. I had especially put up the "Ask Katrina" part of my blog to give you specific advice on whatever you wanted help with. I want us to get to know each other TRULY as a leader with his soldiers. I don't wanna work like a commander who puts out something and just expects results. I want you guys to help me help you; a symbiotic relationship.

Anyhow, being a blogger in 2014 is bound to be exciting. After being in a bloggers shoes for these past two years or so, I've gotten an view of the world like no other. I read EVERYTHING in my environment, be it feelings, facial expressions, signs, stickers, etc. I read those things on a deeper level in that I think to myself how that represents us as a generation and what it means for our mentality as we progress in the future. At the end of the day, that's really all that we have left to think about.

Yesterday, during my bible study, I was asked if I believed that the world was going to improve as we move forward and... I was saddened to respond saying no. I mean, I honestly don't. I know that there are always people trying to make a change and to give us hope in every way, big or small. In fact, that's exactly what I try to do here with my little blogs. But, you know, there's only so much we can do for ourselves as we move ahead. But, that being said, this year is just another year that we have to work just a little harder to make the small, simple joys lasting ones. That's what this blog is gonna focus on this year- the simple gifts of joy that we get in life.

Love Always,
Katrina Lowell

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell

HELLOOOO Readers,

My oh my, how I've missed you guys. My site was down on my laptop for quite a bit of time now and last night, with a little help from my dad, I was set back up and was back down to business. Last night I posted another story to add to my repertoire of prose called "The Lie I think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." Like I did with "The First Cut," I wanted to have another author Q and A to give you guys a better idea of what this story means to me and how I had meant it for you guys, my readers. Without further ado, I present to you:

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell  

1. The title of this prose is... well it's quite long and distinct. What was your thought process behind it?

Well, to be honest, the title came before the story and I had wanted to highlight a few elements of what I was going to write before the story was actually read. I wanted to create interest with the suspense of, you know, what exactly the three words were and a little bit of confusion because of the way it's phrased. If you think about it, who do you know says, "you know what? There's a lie I think you told me..." I mean, as I said before, I just wanted to create interest in what was going to be said before any of it was actually even written. I actually posted the title of the story on my profile before it was posted just for that "hmm" effect. Lol- hope that makes sense. But also, blogging is so different than buying a book on a self because white there's usually an attractive cover that in and of itself will say a thousand words, not to mention the blurb that's either on the back or the inside cover that describes the plot, we as bloggers will solely work on titles because unlike what I just mentioned, the title is the FIRST thing that'll draw your attention before anything else and so usually my titles are pondered on until I find exactly what I think will speak for itself.

2. Upon reading the story, I didn't really see coherence between the title and what was really IN the story. What really was the correlation, or is there even any?

Yeah, I know that that could've caused some confusion there because while lies are spoken of in the story as well as the three words, the lie was more hoped for than accused. However, the lie was really the words of themselves because as you saw, the narrator was someone who was an unbeliever of falling in love and then upon being drawn into it, going through the motions and ending up with a broken heart, had felt that the deception that she found herself caught in was because of the three simple words being 'I Love You," more so than the actions of the person that broke her heart. Like most people, she had felt that if you really mean what you say, that's when you'd put in the extra effort to not hurt the person that you claim to love. Therefore, she had this general thought that maybe those words in and of themselves were predisposed to being dishonest. That's why she calls it "the lie I think you told me" because at the end of the day, the concept of being instantly lied to started to not make sense. Her black and white lines gave more gray than answers. She even ventured to say that it would be EASIER to just accept it as a lie so that she wouldn't have to confront an all new feeling. The wording of the title also alludes to this feeling of uncertainty that I tried to illustrate.

3. As would be expected from a Katrina Lowell tale, was this story more factual than it was fictional?

This is most definitely the question that I've been dreading, but yes- there's quite a bit of my story embedded in Katrina's. A lot of the abstract elements are in harmony with things that I've dealt with. I had a really rough time in about August this year where I had allowed myself to just, as I described in this prose, fall into waters uncharted and unknown to me and I ended up hurt beyond what I could've imagined. It was... it was something that I try not to relive or even remember although there's a reminder everyday, be it a song or a familiar face. I've grown quite a bit in the short space of time but in more ways than one I still feel like a broken toy that works more often than not, but topples over once in a while and needs a little help and readjustment. I think in even WRITING this story I've overcome the fear of confronting my feelings again- I played some Birdy as I typed, the same songs that I used to play in my room so that it would feel a little less empty. That was the hardest part of the writing process because music, for me, helps me to explain how I feel, especially because I'm someone who often finds it hard to describe what I feel inside and so when I find songs that say it for me, it does something to me. So there I was, playing these songs that I called forbidden and it helped me say what I needed to say. That in and of itself brought tears to my eyes because I felt like I was finally able to start letting go of what was stewing inside of me. However, it's still a story and so many parts of it were edited and added in order to really mold and develop a new plot.

4. It's well known that in your personal life you're kinda... secretive, as it were; how has it for you to tell out one of your biggest secrets to not only the world, but to know that some of your readers are people that know you personally?

It was horrifying to say the least. At the end of the day, it honestly felt like I was giving up my diary to, as you said, the world- ON PURPOSE, you know. It was rough and it took me a while to actually decide to post it. It was only when I was talking to Kenny last night that I was encouraged to just post it. He told me something that really reminded me of what this blog is all about; he told me "It's just Katrina and Katrina doesn't really exist." I realized that once I posted it, it wasn't MY story anymore- it was Katrina's and at the end of the day, yeah, Katrina doesn't exist. She's better equip to carry that load than I am, in all honesty. So, I posted it and took a sigh because I felt tons lighter for the first time in a long while. That being said, Kody knew that it was posted, he knew it was an emotional post for me, and he knows my blog address. I pleaded with him to just not read it, which is something I never do, but I just didn't want the vulnerability that him knowing would bring me. It's even worse because being one of my best friends, he knows the jist of what I've been going through, but I dared not tell him the full story. It was just easier to say that I was with someone and it ended poorly- end of story. I made him promise he wouldn't read it, but knowing him, the curiosity has probably gotten the best of him and it was most likely read, but I think that maybe its about time I just start trusting people and stop being so "secretive" LOL. Of course Amber's gonna read this, and it won't be much of a shock to her, given she's the only person that knows me inside and out and helped to pull me through it all in the end. In fact, I think that she'll be proud that I've gotten the courage to just let everything out. I love her more than anything <3.

5. With special attention to the person that was being spoken to in the narrative, was he, too, part of your personal life that snuck its way in?

No; not entirely. There's nobody that that was directed to, actually, but there was someone who came after the heartbreak that entirely changed my view of my circumstances and what they meant for me in the future, so in that sense that was factual. That was actually something that I, too, considered before posting it because in the perchance that this person, you know, happened upon the story, I didn't want them to feel bad or even think of me as more broken than I am. When I read it, a lot of thoughts came to me as to what people would think as they read it, especially with special thought to those who suspected that this story was more to me than just a story. Given that I always try to appear strong and level-headed, I felt that in my writing, a different view was given of me, and I didn't know how I liked it. I felt like I would be looked at as a basket case or and over-emotional girl and that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to put out there something that showed that yeah, I'm far from perfect, but it's my imperfections that make me who I am and I can't spend forever running away from the very thing that makes up Katrina. But all in all, my biggest fear is that the person alluded to reads it and gathers something far from what I was trying to portray. At any rate, I've gotta focus on moving forward without really paying attention to what others feel about my feelings, no matter how hard it is. My only hope is that wherever he is that he knows how much he meant to me in the hardest parts of these last few months, especially because he didn't know that there was something underneath the surface that stood between us then and sometimes still does to this day.

6. Before you go, is there anything you'd like to say to your readers about how you had intended the story for them?

Definitely, yeah. Everything that I write is not only for me to express myself but to help out other teenage girls. I know personally that this is one of the hardest times to go through with fickle relationships and wild hormones and if ever me just sharing what I've been going through and how I deal with things helps another girl go through her difficulties, I'd feel like I've done my job. I think I've spent too long dealing with things by myself because it was easier than admitting that things were getting tough and I was hurt to just let what I've learned stay with me. I want to help change the world before I go- I want to show that even broken girls can fix things. Everyday I get new viewers from places like Serbia, Russia, Indonesia, Turkey, Japan, The Caribbean, UK and USA. I know that at least one girl from anywhere in the world that reads my blog can relate to what I write and are able to take away something from it that helps them work towards solving their own problems. "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" was my way of saying to you guys that... love is okay, but as for who you give it to or take it from, you should really contemplate because not everyone that holds you and tells you what you want to hear is good for you. Imagine that the one that I spoke of in that story I see nearly every week, and what? Nothing. It feels like we're strangers that never felt anything for one another and although I guess the heart didn't break even and he's the one in the end that wants to contact me... well, he just can't get through because I know things now that I before tried to ignore. I spoke about Birdy before, but I must say that her self titled album has songs that are more than just lyrics on a melody, but are actually songs that were made to MEAN something. I suggest that you all listen to it and really take them to heart.

That's it for now guys, but I hope that you enjoyed not only this post, but "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." I love you all and hope that we'll start making some more memories as we enter the third year of  ~Katrina Lowell~, a blog for our generation...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

The Lie I Think you Told Me With Three Simple Words

The moment was perfect- just the two of us, chest to chest, hand to hand, breath to breath; and you said it. You said the three words I wish you hadn't, because that's when things changed and what had felt like a fantasy might have become real. You said the three words that would make me reflect on what we really had and if maybe what you described to me was how you honestly felt or if it was really just a fib, a concept that was a little less unnerving than the other.

I know it won't make any sense to you, especially after I pretty much returned the words to you in the same fashion as they were received but... well maybe it's time I really explained myself.

I had never fallen in love, not out of anything but choice. The feeling was too distant and frightening for me to ever try to hold close and embrace. Every time it presented itself to me, I would turn myself away entirely, avoiding the inevitable desire that would come from just a taste of it. Most of the time it ended up saving me from heartbreak, guarding me away from those who try to steal my heart and hold me hostage with mirages of what love was to be while snaking their way through and taking advantage of my vulnerability. 

One time I was actually the one who broke a heart, the one who had to admit that while I had enjoyed the time that we had had together that I just couldn't manage the words then, or possibly ever. Three simple words that would just be too hard to say. The pain that followed took me by surprise because it was then that I had realized how much of his heart he had given to me and... I had just told him that I didn't want it; that it just wasn't good enough for me. I can't say that it didn't eat away at my conscience like an acid, but the idea that saying something that I couldn't truly feel might have hurt him more began to neutralize my feelings slowly as time passed.

The biggest mistake I had ever done was to let go of my fear and my pride and just fall. I just couldn't resist the urge and I free fell into a whirlwind, a whirlwind that felt so good. It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.

And the moment he told me he loved me, I didn't hesitate to tell him that I did, too. I held on to that moment for a long time, remembering that that feeling was one that was too special to ever forget. 

But, everything fell apart and in a matter of minutes I was all alone. I had hit rock bottom and it was left up to me to find the shattered pieces of my heart, pick myself up and carry on. All I can remember is sitting there for a long while just in my own silence. I didn't move, I didn't cry, I just sat. It was like when an earthquake hits and the initial shake disrupts everything around you and its only the aftershock that really sets things into motion. When everything really began to settle and I had realized that everything that was never going to be again, well, that's when my heart really broke.

One thing that I learned about heartbreak it that it's really a funny thing. The time that you spend just there in your own denial causes the cracks to spread and piece by piece the parts fall and are lost. I can't tell you how much I cried or even for how long, but I can tell you that crying was the most comforting thing I could do; it was all I could do. There was nobody there to hold me anymore, nobody to care for or about me, nobody to love me, or so it felt. That feeling is just one of lasting emptiness and there's just nothing you can really do about it. 

I never really did stop crying- I still cry from time to time because at any given moment I'll feel my gut twist like how it did that day and I'm reminded of that feeling; pain so complex that only three simple words could create.

A new piece of my heart is found each day, a lot that I've found on my own, some that my friends have stumbled across and then there's the ones that you've placed right back in my hand. 

One thing that I can tell you about what you mean to me is that you came around so unexpected; of all the people in the world that I thought would help me to my feet, I never thought it would be you. I know that I shied away most of the time, ignoring my feelings because my heart wasn't quite capable of holding anything. It was like a clay pot with a big hole in the bottom that is then filled with sand- everything just wasted away. It did frustrate me a lot at times because I almost wanted to tell you but then again I didn't want to break my own heart either, so I left it alone. Many days were me in my room crying and throwing things, feeling trapped in an invisible cage so far away from everything that I had wanted and hoped for that just wouldn't be. 

I still remember the day you hugged me- I closed my eyes and felt a familiar feeling;

It held me with a warmth that grew from the pit of my stomach, where the butterflies flew, upwards to my heart and my cheeks until it engulfed me. I often liken it to cloud watching on a mid summer's eve, where time just passes you by and nothing in the world could ever matter. Where even when you're alone, it feels like someone's there holding your hand and whispering in your ear telling you that you are everything to them that they are to you. Sometimes it was so good that being awake was better than dreaming, better than anything I could ever imagine on my own, better than I had ever been described.

It jumped me and I guess I tried to avoid it, but it kept on coming at me stronger and stronger until the day our lips met. It should've been so wrong but everything said that it was right. I didn't quite know what to do because I was reminded of everything that I had lost in a matter of seconds. 

We're here now- months later and I'm faced with the same three words that have knocked me down times before. At times it's more comforting to think that it's a lie you've told me, but what if it's not? What if that day you really did mean every word? What am I to do? And I know that I told you that I had loved you too but... I just don't know. I just CAN'T know. 

It's just a lot easier to walk away empty handed than empty hearted because one day we're gonna separate. We're gonna go back to me. And you. No more us or we or our. Sometimes I think you ignore that fact because you're able to focus on today, but unfortunately love doesn't work like that. When love is real, it lingers on like a residue on the fine pieces of the broken heart. What then? 

I love you. I guess I really do- I love everything that you've done to help me love myself and I love the ways that you show that you love me. I feel like since I've got back my heart, I've been cradling it in my arms, keeping it close to me because I know that nobody will ever care for it the way that I can. But... well everyone's gotta let go SOMEDAY and I guess maybe it's time I put it in your hands. 

THE END

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell

Reggae Month! / "Get Free" Major Lazer ft. Amber (of Dirty Projectors)

Helloooo!

I just got this really awesome idea for Music Daily- Reggae Month. A way to incorporate an island vibe to the music that I share with you guys. Reggae is the main type of music played here in the Caribbean and there are many different branches of this from Dance hall to Soca and Calypso and it plays a big part in the culture. I'm not extremely familiar with a lot of music in this genre considering in the USA, pop, hip-hop and dance music, not to mention country (which I don't really listen to, to be honest) are the dominant genres, however, I think that by having to dig up 31 songs to post on my blog that it might even help me to learn more about the place in which I've been living. Without further adieu, I welcome you guys to Music Daily October- Reggae Month!

Now although it's still September, I wanted to get a jump start on this reggae month with some Major Lazer. Major Lazer is a DJ group in the UK and they are AMAZING! From the moment I first heard them, I was like, "These guys are special." Most of their music is dance hall and reggae related which makes their sound extremely authentic and I love it.

This song that I'm posting today called "Get Free" is a song that is full of mojo; I always feel like I'm in a five minute trance while listening to it. The track made my Major Lazer is just really unique and smooth- pretty hard for me to describe, really. Amber, the singer of the song has a strange style to her voice that is in perfect harmony (pardon the pun) to the lyrics that the song is comprised of. Her voice isn't extremely powerful or anything like that, but she reminds me of Haley Williams from Paramore in that although their voices aren't memorable for their complex rifts and tricks that they do with their voices, they are memorable for their tones and quality. As for this song, Amber's voice is the best fit; I mean, I don't think that this song would have done the same for me if Jessie J or Beyonce stepped in and sang the song.

The lyrics are simple yet deep and that's what I love about the song. It talks about struggle and yearning for a chance to "get free" and follow your dreams. When you sit down and follow the story, you find that the song is able to resonate with you, no matter where you come from or what path of life you're on. Songs like that earn a special part in my heart because they're used to do something positive and therefore can be remembered for a lifetime whereas when you have songs like "Pop Champagne" or "Your Love is My Drug," songs that were so popular in their time, are so easily forgotten when a new line of top hits come in. Now, don't get me wrong- I loved those songs and still love to hear when they get played on the radio every three years or so (LOL), but I think we need to find a balance between catchy tracks and important lyrics like how Major Lazer and Amber have in this song.

Well, now here's the chance for you guys to hear for yourselves. Tell me what you guys think in the comments below and if you guys have any reggae or Caribbean influenced songs that you know and want me to check out, feel free to leave the title and artist below as well. Thanks guys!

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Creative Identity

Hey Readers,

A funny thought just ran through my head as I sit here in the parking lot waiting for my mother; this thought happens to be one about my creative identity as it applies to me as an artist. I like to call myself an artist in that although I can’t particularly draw well, nor can I mold anything of importance or dance or anything of the sort, but I have an appreciation and a knack for anything that has to do with language and music. The funny part is that who I've created in terms of my persona when it comes to that special part of my brain (AKA Katrina Lowell) is so different from who I actually am.

can still remember when Katrina first popped into my mind and from that day I've held her close. In a way, I've referred to every part of me that has found a way to reach outside of my bashful mind and touch others as “Katrina.”  I don’t think that’s right because after a while of believing that everything bold and beautiful (not the soap opera, but the two adjectives put together) about me belongs to Katrina, then she begins to become like another person in my eyes. In fact, at school when I write essays or compositions, I either always have a character by the name of Katrina, be it the narrator or another female character or I put that the author was Katrina Lowell and not me, although I’ll put my name at the top of the page. The funniest part is that when it’s done and I read it, it feels like a distant part of me.

During the summer I did a lot of reading- Stephen King novels in particular. Now, Stephen King is an amazing writer and all, but as a disclaimer, his material isn't for everyone, so beware. Anyhow, one of the novels that I read was called “The Dark Half.” This book was about a writer who after having a long period of non-production  due to writer’s block, decided to try writing under a pen name. These books were extremely popular when they came out and were on high demand. Through a turn of events, the author decided to come out and say that he was the real author of these books and that he would be “burying” his alter ego. Long story short, his alter ego came to life and started killing the people that he believed encouraged the author to stop using him. The story went into detail the relationship of the author and his very life-like persona.

Imagine me as an author with a pen name reading something as morbid as that book; I won’t like to you guys- I was kinda terrified. After that book I was like,” Oh okay yeah; Katrina’s gonna stay around for a while.” LOL. But in all honesty I think that the main problem is that Katrina and I need become ONE with one another. I let her be in the limelight because hiding in her shadows makes me feel safe. People that know me personally read my blog and honestly can’t believe that I’m the one behind the stuff that I write. Especially now that I’m at this new school, I've been extremely shy and quiet, hanging out and talking to very few select people of whom a majority are made up of Kenny’s friends and some others from Volleyball. I dare not tell them that I have a blog; I think only Kenny knows and I didn't even tell him the web address. I think as I merge with Katrina that I should keep to myself for a little.
I guess in the end, this post isn't quite as funny as it ironic or… how should I say it? Reflective, maybe? Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. I feel better now, LOL. I seem to always feel better after writing something. Well, I guess that’s it for now folks. Have an amazing day :).

Love Always <3,
Miss Katrina Lowell ;)
                                                                                       

One Last Thing To Say...

Hey Readers,

So there's something I wanted to share with you- I've transferred to my dream school. After two years on this island working hard for the chance to get here, it feels amazing. It's hard to imagine that I moved here two years behind of the curriculum and within my first term making it to second in my class and then the following year first in class AND exams. I can't exactly tell you that my journey here was smooth sailing; from the time I started school over a decade ago, I had some sort of issue, be it a learning issue or a social issue and it broke me down quite a bit, but one thing that I've always been is determined. Being a victim was just never good enough for me. One thing that I have GOT to say is that my parents have been a HUGE part of why I've succeeded because when I was struggling to keep up in school, they were the ones who dedicated their time to showing me what to do and patiently helping me along. They've encouraged me from the beginning and I couldn't be anything without them.

Although I would love to sit here and talk like I'm accepting a Grammy Award, thanking everyone, I'd really like to get to the meat of my post- the last thing that I want to say, not just to and about my former school, but to all of those that I've left behind and to you guys to inspire you to always seek for bigger, better things, no matter what it is or how distant the dream seems. Well, here I go...

***

Two years ago I moved to this island with quite a few expectations of this new life; I applied to the school that my parents both attended, one of the two best schools here, with hopes of continuing the "legacy." After my first three weeks here, I realized that this dream wouldn't become a reality; there wasn't any room for me there and so I had to look elsewhere. I was struck with a anvil of disappointment, but I decided to make the best of my situation. When I was placed at the private school that I attended, I had high hopes. I had the naive idea that being such a small school that I would be liked by everyone; I'm American, I'm nice, I'm smart- what's not to like, right? Wrong. I wanted to do what I've always wanted to do at any school that I attended- I wanted to leave it better than it was when I came. But, I've done something better; I've left MYSELF better than I was when I first got there.

I won't sugar coat anything here- When the name "Katrina Lowell" is mentioned at that school, hatred burns in a majority of their eyes. They think I'm a pompous, arrogant, American chick with the false sense that I'm anything to the world when to them there's very little difference between me and the pile of trash that they place in their front yard to be picked up by the garbage authority to be disposed of and/or burned. I'll admit that it was hard for me to acknowledge this before, but now I'm able to see the bigger picture and it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It's funny how I can only see the pros in a con-filled situation after it passes. At any rate, here's what I've learned:

1. Being a "loner" is often more of a blessing than it is a curse- People use the term "loner" to loosely. What exactly does it mean to be alone? It simply means that those who can't understand you, don't want to understand you and/or are afraid of you for whatever reason distance themselves from you and make it evident to you that you aren't accepted in their circles and "don't belong" there. Now, think about that- is it really all that bad? Yeah, sure it does get hard when you're lonely and you see how everyone else has company of someone else, but the true secret to being happy is having at least one good friend that you can trust and who loves you for you. A lot of the time, the same people that you think have all the friends are the ones that don't have any REAL friends at all. Plus, being alone gives you a lot of time to think and become happy with who you are; you focus on what makes you happy, what makes you a better person and you focus on working towards your future which, believe it or not, won't matter if you're popular or not. So, really and truly I've learned that those who were my closest friends and still are are the people that I hold close like family, that I am a stronger, brighter, harder-working girl than I was when I first got here and that even though I thought it sucked, it has provided me with more blessings than I could have been given being little miss popular.

2. There are some things that they can't take from you- No matter how hard those people worked to bring me down, there were just some things that were a part of me that wouldn't crumble under the weight of their attacks. For instance, my brain; I won't lie to you- I did walk around like I was the spawn of Einstein, but that's just because being confident is the only way for me to move forward. Plus, after being a late bloomer and working hard enough to give me gray hairs, I think I deserve to say and do what I feel like. That's the thing that people don't realize; you can't hate me for working harder than you. I can sit here and describe in detail the structure of the nucleus without a biology book in sight- how the nucleus is surrounded by a nuclear membrane made up of two thin membranes that contain small holes known as nuclear pores and within the nuclear membrane was a jelly-like substance known as nucleoplasm that contained chromosomes that contained Deoxyribo Nucleic Acid (DNA) which contain genes which contain genetic information and all that other stuff. That, my dear friends, is just a basic example of what I can do, but you know what? I spent hours and hours, reaching hours like 4 AM and waking up at 5, just to be able to do things like that to earn me my 84% on my end of year exam. Who else wants to put that sort of dedication into their work? No one? Then if you don't, how can you look at me and hate on me when all I'm doing is what you don't have the desire to do? And the funny part lies in the fact that although they put heat on me for being a "nerd," I was the one with the 84 and they had the 41's. Besides my brain, things like the love of my family and close friends and my heart that stops at nothing to push me to fulfilling my goals are all things that they were just never able to take from me and therefore, they're really the ones that have lost in the end.

3. I am exactly who I want to be- One thing that I can most definitely say is that I have grown up so much and I am just where I want to be. Of course I've messed up along the way and I've felt defeated, but one thing that I've always been able to do is get back up when I'm down. When I first came here, I had a twisted idea of the world, and it's ironic that this "twisted" concept is that everyone is nice until given a reason to be mean. I've learned that human beings, at the end of the day, are animals that often lack reasoning and that's all that there is to it. As Ben Carson, a well known neurosurgeon and author, has said many times, we, human beings created in such a special way, are blessed with frontal lobes and need to realize that we were given them for a reason and should therefore USE them instead of operating like dogs who operate on instinct and not reasoning. I've learned the same thing and I've spent a lot of time soul searching. That's why I'm able to say that although there were a lot of things that I didn't like about my old school, those very same things shaped who I am today and help me to avoid doing things that will lead me down a negative path later in life. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Now that I'm at my new school, I feel refreshed. I've worked harder than I ever have in life to be there and I finally feel like I fit in. The smallest things, like putting on my uniform in the morning, make me happy. I finally feel proud in my uniform. I love it, no matter how ugly the big pocket on my skirt is or how masculine my black, leather shoes are. That uniform is the evidence of the journey I've traveled and I'm happy. I recently got into volleyball and I've met some amazing people along the way. My coach is a big part of why I'm there and he continues to be there for me everyday, lending an ear and helping where he can. I've also made some great friends that have helped me settle in, showing me around the school, making sure I never eat alone, introducing me to their friends and encouraging me in everything that I do; one in particular is Kody, who I just HAVE to mention because he is actually a family friend that I knew from before volleyball. On my first day of school, he waited for me in the morning, showed me to my class, introduced me to some classmates, bought my lunch for me that day and even helps me with my Spanish homework some days. I couldn't ask for a better friend and so although I highly doubt he's reading this or ever will THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH ;).

Well, I feel all out of words to say now so... I think I'm gonna go to bed and get some rest so I'm nice and fresh for school tomorrow morning (YAY!). Goodnight world.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell