I Plead Guilty in The Case of Right V. Katrina

There's a lot wrong with me- with us. All of us are guilty as charged. We have single handedly created a culture where lying, cursing, and being overtly hyper sexual are the things that those of us that are "straight edged" call tame. Once upon a time, my own potentiality for conformity pushed me to read Romans 12:2 every morning.  By now, I'm 17 and my mould is pretty much set. Am I happy with who I am? Well... There's always room for improvement. However, two years ago I was in deeper than I am now and some might not understand how I could see my flaws and be so dismissive, but that's because I see myself as a work in progress, and that's not an overexaggeration by any means.

I curse a lot. I do. And I give myself a lot of leeway, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. Here's why. I've got a lot on anger inside of me, and that's most of our stories. For me, I still have a lot of hostility for a lot of things that happened to me in the past and those very things provoked the bad habit. While a lot of my peers say "FUCK YOU BITCH" and laugh at the top of their lungs just to look rebellious, I starting cursing when the other words didn't work. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Now, that's not my excuse because that in and of itself is crap; I know it is. But I've been slowly curbing my usage, starting with the very thing that started it: anger. Many don't understand how hard it is for me to not empty my explitive French on everyone that ticks me off like I used to, but it has slowly made me a happier person. I realized that people are gonna progressively get worse as life goes on, but my language doesn't have to follow it. So the one time I don't curse is in a disagreement. I focus really hard on it because it's my first step to being a better me. But- I will admit- I do utilize friendly name calling and I'll plead guilty to that. I'm by no means special but rather another statistic that, by this point, no longer shocks but still manages to appall  parents worldwide. For that, I'll accept the community service- no more cursing if any kind. Not just for me, but for my generation and those around me. They deserve better from me, of all people, and for some, hopefully they'll join my boycott.

I'm a major flirt. In my case, I swear it's part of my character. Most of my friends are boys and I'm not flirtatious to an obnoxiously excessive level in my opinion as most of it is a joke, but I can understand that it may be seen to others as inappropriate. I'm old enough and mature enough to look at it from an objective view and it could be a problem. Maybe when I was an attention seeking 14 year old whose eyes lit up everytime a guy said I was pretty, flirting could be dangerous. But now, it's just a part of conversation for me and it's never a topic that is extensively discussed at once. At any rate, as a parent or concerned adult's perspective, too many young girls nowadays are turning their words into actions and I would agree that it's one of the worst things about us. I can easily list all of the people I know that aren't virgins and at this age, that's nothing to be proud of. I'm by no means being judgemental because that could have very well been me before I made changes in my life, but it is something that is worthy of disdain from our predecessors. We can't expect to be part of a generation known for open sexuality and belief in unorthodox practices and expect to be looked at any other way. Like my cursing habit, my flirting has come a long way. At one point my playful teasing put me in a situations where expectations were made. It was the classic scenario of the "lots of talk, but no results" virgin, as I like to call it. It was so bad in fact, that I had an intervention forced upon me. At first, I was pissed because I felt like it was my life and I didn't care about what anyone had to say. Now, I look back on it and I can easily say it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I improved totally and although being saucy is just an aspect of my humor, I can recognize the concerns and I promise to tone it down a bit.

I'm the occasional utilizer of the white lie. Lying is such a natural trait of every human being. Most of us have been lying since we were aware of the weight that truth bore. It is something I hate the most about myself because I'm really good at it. When you're good at something, you're al,last tempted to do it all of the time, but lies hurt more often than they do provide temporary joys. Some of my peers, however, will proudly announce that they told a major lie to their parents and got away with it and it bothers me. Lying is another thing that I had to change about myself to be a better person. It was incredibly hard because I was so used to telling white lies or lying by omission, and the day I decided to be honest with my parents, it was nerve wreaking. There are so many things that, with my personality, I prefer to keep to myself that I had to now start exposing. I can now admit that I tell my parents almost everything. White lies are still a part of my life and I'm not proud of it, but I know why I use them and it isn't for a malicious reason, but rather if I don't feel like discussing something at a certain time or if it could mean hurting feelings. To me, that's pretty good for a once compulsive liar. But, like everything else stated, I can do better for myself and those around me. Just because telling lies is in human nature and the easy way through teenage diversion doesn't mean that it's right and every time that I lie, I feel it. I've trained my conscience by now to where lying bothers me to a point where it no longer makes me content for even the moments after getting away with it. Because of this, getting caught in a lie feels even worse because on top of their disappointment, I'm disappointed in myself. So for that, I am guilty and although I have come a long way, I'd like to eventually get to a point where honesty is my only option.

Being human, I am 96% wrong by nature. However, in that 4%, I am proud of all 100% of me. By that I mean that while others are so oblivious of their wrongs, I learn to embrace my knowledge of them. While I will live my whole life with wrongs, growing more versatile as I grow up, getting the reality checks I need help me to refocus my attention to fixing some of the problems that I might have become complacent with. In my final statement, I say that I am sorry for the wrongs I have done. A lot of them have been cultivated by my environment and society with my permission and that is something not only I, but all of us need to be aware of. Admission is the first step to finding a solution. Hopefully my genuine remorse can get me off with a warning under the the premise that I will continue to get better each day and do whatever it takes to become a better sister, daughter, friend and teenager in society. That, I solemnly swear.

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell

History's New Chapters

Our history books today present in depth evaluations of how to capture, ship, purchase, break and own a slave. Note that there's no redundancy in that list, as it is chronologically arranged. You may put a man in chains, but the physical restraint cannot compare to that of mental, emotional restraint. Take a man from his wife, children, brothers and sisters; sell him naked to the highest bidder; hand him a cutlass and a deadline. He'll do your work, but you have yet to own him. Our textbooks say that to own a slave, you have to whip them, dehumanize them, feed white children from the same breast their newborn has yet to suckle- that's when they've surrendered their souls to the slave master; that's when an African has been broken.

But history never changes- we've entered a new era of "Jim Crowe" where the "breaking" movement has become revolutionized. Where the "lynching" has become modernized. Where the subliminal "skinhead" ideals have become televised. Our new slave masters are the same ones that were put into place to keep us safe. The same ones we reside beside. The same ones we were owned by before. In many ways our freedom has been reduced to what had been allowed during the days of Amelioration. The police force can be likened to those put into place to "protect the slaves" in such times. In fact, in some ways it may even appear that we are being governed by assemblies and not truly God fearing political parties.

Our children's history books won't be changed, but rather revised- among heroes such as Toussaint L'ouverture, Bussa, Vincent Oge, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Ida B. Wells will be their evidence of progress: Trevon Martin, Dontre Hamilton, Eric Garner, Michael Brown, Jr., Dante Parker, Tanisha Anderson, Tony Robinson, Phillip White, Eric Harris, Walter Scott, Freddie Gray, and the countless number of other African Americans that have lost their lives this year in the same manner. Beside their names, their stories will be told, extending the metaphor of the clock that continues to run backwards.

The only difference between today and yesterday is if they'll be able to own us like they did before- make us fall victim to asking for the "white-man's mercy." However, they've chosen to "cut out the middle man" by following the same tactic used by the man they celebrate every year on October 12th- genocide. Killing mothers, fathers, children and siblings; disrupting their sense of pride and peace; putting young African Americans like me to fear the sound of a siren, knowing that in an instant, I could lose my freedom, my family or even my own life; putting young African Americans like me to fear having children of our own and having our son killed on his way home from school or daughter brutalized on the way to a friend's house- all on the premise of racial profiling; putting young African Americans just like me to fear the very system we live under. That's how you break an African...

Soon we'll know if we'll be able to re-write history or be stuck re-living it.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

The Lie Behind Self-Hate Is The Truth Behind Self-Love

Hello :'D,

Two posts in one week?! Gosh- I'm on a roll. This post, unlike the other, is more positive and less about me and MY problems. I wanted to discuss something that is so prevalent nowadays among our generation, especially the females within it. That is self-love, or rather the lack of it; it's a concept that I'm only beginning to come to grips with myself, but a concept that I've always understood to be really important because it doesn't only affect you, but others around you, especially those who love you more that you're able to love yourself.

The inspiration for this post came from a conversation I had this morning with my friend, Chantelle. Chantelle is one of the prettiest girls I know, I mean from head to toe. She has pretty eyes, perfect teeth, nice shape and an amazing personality that just fills a room. Sure, like everyone else, she has a few things about her that she's not pleased about, like the head that she considers "ginormous," her wild set of hair, and, most importantly, her weight. Chantelle is not the thinnest, but she's big boned and struggles with her weight. I can relate to her because although I've never been huge, I've been big enough where it bothered me.

When we were talking, we were talking about this boy she liked and how she decided that she wasn't going to pursue a relationship with him until she had lost some weight and was able to love herself, because she couldn't see someone loving her before she did. This comment really made me look at myself and it was then that I realized that my own, personal self love has improved so much over the months past. I actually realized that August will be a year since I tried to end my life, and I just couldn't believe it.

As girls, we're faced with so many different pressures, be it the pressure to fit in, or the pressure to be loved; it all works on our emotions and often causes our mirrors to become tainted. We look at ourselves and become extremely critical, seeing first our "imperfections" rather than the things that make us who we are. That becomes so dangerous, resulting in disorders like anorexia, bulimia, body dismorphia and depression, not to mention the practices of self harm. We do all of this for what? Not to look good to ourselves, of course, but to look good to others. We bend over backwards to diet and work out and wear the latest clothing and do everything the right way in order to be like girls that are just as imperfect as us.

Sometimes it's hard to be objective in our thoughts, but just try it with me this one time. Imagine the girl that you look at on television or even a girl that you see every day that has just the pretties hair that falls just the way yours never will. She's got eyes brighter than the sun and a stunning smile that does just that- stun. She's got double-d's, but a small waist and a flat stomach. She's about 5'9 with long, toned legs and a significant thigh gap that doesn't make her look too skinny, but trim. The clothes she wears are always so beautiful and they fit her just well, showing just the right amount of cleavage to make all the boys, including your crush, blush. She's a straight A student who's head of the cheerleading squad and the volleyball team and has now just gained presidental status at your school.

Sounds perfect, huh? Maybe even too good to be true. Why? Because it is, yet too often that slips our minds. Sure she's "perfect" when you're on the outside looking in, but do you really believe that she has everything in her path laid out for her? Of course not! Everyone has problems, some more drastic than others, but they're problems nonetheless. Most importantly, she's imperfect, just like you and that's the one idea that helped me to cope when I was younger and felt like I was too different to ever fit in; that the one similarity between us places us on the same level, no matter how different we seem to be.

Another thing I thought I'd bring up is the recent Barbie study, where they took the proportions of the famous Barbie doll, considered to many girls to be the figure of perfection, and put them in terms of a real woman. It was discovered that if Barbie was real, she would pretty much be disabled. With a neck super long and too skinny to hold up her head, feet so small, she'd have to crawl to move, a waist 18 inches in circumference, leaving only enough room for portions of her vital organs, and other ridiculous measurements, we're able to see that not all that glitters is gold. Believe it or not, they're linking this doll to body hatred among girls. This visual of what perfection is is created from an early age, but it's up to us to decide what's realistic and what's not; Barbie is just one of the many examples that we may all be able to relate to.

As noted earlier, not loving yourself can lead you down many dangerous roads, but one that I hadn't mentioned was that one than many girls call "love." As my friend Chantelle said, nobody can really love you until you love yourself; that is when the love becomes true on both ends. I mean, of course your family and friends can love you, but in terms of relationships, boys are inclined to sense when we lack self confidence or not and more often than not, they prey on our insecurities. If you don't think you're pretty, he's say you've got the prettiest eyes he's ever seen. If you think you're fat, he'll say that you're his Shakira. If you think you're dumb, he'll call you a genius. If you think nobody loves you- well, he'll say that he does. Here's the thing; if you're able to love yourself, and I mean really feel ardent about it, then his "ILY" won't really matter to you until it really matters to him. Loving yourself gives you the opportunity to step out of the situation and think before you act. It's not all emotion and lust that you work off of at that point, but the joined communication of both your heart and your brain; despite what people say, your heart is stupid and seldom grants you happiness by itself alone. It's your perceptive abilities along with a trained conscience that help you to decide whether the person you're with is someone worthy of all of you, body and soul. Otherwise, you can end up like many girls around the world, including me, that walked blindly into a trap that leads to regret and further self hate. At least if you're wrong after thinking things through, you'd feel less guilty because at that point you know that you tried and the signs that you were realizing now never surfaced earlier. Heart break happens, but make sure that you didn't allow for it to be broken because, believe it or not, that's when it's the hardest to fix.

Many of you already know the struggles that I've faced personally, through posts such as "My Confessional" and "Perfect Eyes of Mine," among many, but at this point I think I can fully grasp who I am and why I am. I mean this in terms of being able to say, "I am Katrina, and I'm here for a reason." I think that sometimes we don't really know why we're on this Earth, and I see it a lot on Google +. There are two groups of my followers that I see this most in: the so-called "emos" and the  homosexuals. Their profiles often depict their "classification" in society rather than who THEY ARE specifically. It's almost like when you have multiple white whippets (and this is just an example, no disrespect). Whippets all look the same, to me, especially when they're the same color and I honestly wouldn't on a first, second or third glance be able to distinguish between two of them. However, many people own more than one whippet at a time and are still able to know who is who by just looking at them. Why? Because although they look the same, they're different on the inside and that's the part that really matters. In much the same way, yeah, maybe you have the same haircut and you dye it the various colors that many people that identify as emo do, or you're homosexual and you post photographs of gay rights or what not- that doesn't say much for me. That still hasn't told me who you are, nor why you're here. I think that once we can get past the idea that saying your name and identifying with a group in society tells people who you are, that we'll have a greater understanding of who we really are.

I've had this name "Katrina Lowell" for about three years now and I've been able to grow into my skin. At one point there was a huge disconnect because Katrina was just a name, but I found that the writing that I did under her name exhibited characteristics so unlike the real me, but positive ones. My writing became confident and honest because Katrina, to me, was a name of power. With this name I've grown into her because I've understood that Katrina Lowell was just a name, but it was my job to tell her story. I am Katrina Lowell because I believe in a better world. Named after a powerful hurricane that in a split second was able to destroy, I decided that as Katrina, I would try to improve the world in which we live. At one point, I had started to blame this dying, sinful world for the trials that I had faced. However, there was a moment where I realized that I could do something to help change the world and I knew that I had to do whatever I could to do so. In that time, I've actually been able to see the results of two quotes by the late Maya Angelou. These state: "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change your attitude," and "We cannot change our past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate- thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising."

I've realized that although my efforts have helped many, it won't be enough to change the world in it's entirety, but in the years that I've had my blog, my attitude has changed to a point where I'm less pessimistic and more optimistic about my life and where it's be headed.

Loving myself has helped me to be comfortable in my own skin, and to finally focus less on how I look to other people, but about what I enjoy doing and who I enjoy doing them with. In this past year, I've rediscovered singing, found out that I love to dance (although I can't dance very well, to be honest). I've discovered volleyball, a sport that I'm actually really good at and I've been dedicated to making myself better at. I've really defined my style and started to be less critical of myself upon societal standards, but rather defining myself based on God's and my own standards for life and who I want to be. Loving myself has been like putting on a new pair of glasses- everything looks crisp and bright. Self hate blurs our vision as to what's perfectly fine in our lives. It's about time we started to get our eyes checked, and by doing so, obtaining a new pair of glasses that ultimately changes our world.

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

This is Katrina- Like It or Not

Hey readers,

So for the first time in a while, I have something to "vent" about. What I'm talking about is my inability to tolerate the deplorable quality that many girls nowadays portray. To be quite honest, I said to myself, 'Katrina's gonna get dangerous nowadays." Why? Because I'm moving off this rock in a month's time and I've got a few things to say.

Everyone knows me as the quiet girl that gives and gives, but takes very little, if anything at all. I don't argue because I figure it's not that big of a deal, you know? That you win some, you lose some, but I've realized that philosophy is crap. So- let's start off with a post, shall we?

1. Kody
Kody and I have had a pretty sucky relationship and some of it is my fault, some is his, but here's the thing; you don't say sorry for something you're not sorry for. I mean, when Kody and I had our rift at the beginning, I tried to mend things the best I could, but I don't exactly know WHAT or WHO I was doing it for. I don't know if you guys can relate, but imagine someone that you thought was your best friend saying that your best wasn't good enough and pretty much that you didn't mean much of anything to them. I think that the feeling that that causes is so underrated. People understand that you hurt, but don't quite get why you hurt so long or why it even really mattered, but for me, it hurt more than I could describe. I felt lost in a way, like I kinda didn't know where to go next. From before I started this new school, he was there. My first day didn't even feel like a first day. His friends became my friends and having him around was comforting in a place where I felt so small. I don't even think that HE understands that.

My biggest challenge is how he has responded to the situation. At first, although it was hard to try to get over what had happened and move on like we had used to, he seemed disinterested in the relationship, disregarding my efforts. I mean, he even said so. Because it was still a sensitive thing for me, rather than talking in person, I sent him texts, asking him how he was doing and so on. He believed that that was a poor attempt at reaching out and I think that's when the feelings of hurt became feelings of anger.

I feel like Kody believes that he is perfect- or so he portrays himself to be. It feels like the one thing he's been exceptionally good at, besides blocking or setting a volleyball, is telling me how I've been incompetent as a friend. It's ironic, though, because while it meant so much to me for us to resolve our problem before it tore us apart, he just kinda went with the flow and that's not what good friends do.

Kody has more problems than I want to even spend my time explaining, and I didn't post this to put him on blast or embarrass him, but to really express how I feel without being told that I'm doing it wrong or being laughed at and ignored. He doesn't know how to treat people. I mean, at church, yeah, he's the apple of everyone's eye with his well groomed hair and crisp shirts that are complimented by a personality so unlike the Kody I've come to know. When it comes to people that he's gotten "bored of," however, no matter how much they or their family has done for them, he discards them like everything else he dislikes and moves on.

Last month, after a long time of blanking Kody, I decided to pretty much settle things once and for all by sending out an olive branch and hoping for a tug. The tug came back as an apology for all the crap he's done with the reassurance that he wants us to close the gap between us. I should've felt relieved, but I don't really know how I felt. I was worried that behind that keyboard, he was smug, thinking that I'd taken his bait and that he was the one off of the hook. I'm glad I was reluctant because nowadays, I think that my suspicions were valid.

Not one thing has changed- NOT ONE. And, telling from his behavior with Gus this morning, he's content with the "rift" that he claimed to want to start closing. Please. I don't know what I look like. So, I say whatever, and I let it go. I'm done trying to work miracles because hell- I'M NOT A MIRACLE WORKER. I'm Katrina Lowell and I'm done allowing Kody to rent head space. Whether he believes it or not, he was blessed that I stuck around for so long before and now I'm allowed to give up. I've read, I've prayed, I mean, even his mom tried to help mend the relationship, but at this point, I don't want it. Good riddance and good luck.

2. Melissa
Melissa is Kody's God-forsaken girlfriend, also one of my closest friends... until yesterday. Melissa and Kody have been messing around for a while now and to be honest it's weird, but not weird enough for me to think about. I really couldn't care less what or who Kody's doing, to be honest. At any rate, Melissa and I were pretty close. Our parents knew one another from teenagers and we played volleyball together. I loved her like a sister, but she let her lack of self confidence get in her way. I'm not sure how much she really likes Kody, but one things for sure, even if Kody was one of the ugliest out there, he probably would've had a good chance with her. Why? Because all you have to do is tell Melissa that she's pretty and you've got one foot through the door. Self confidence has never seemed to be her strong suit, but I never thought that it would change her so much.

Since she and Kody have been together, we haven't been as close, but I figured that that was because of exams and such, but it all became clearer yesterday. Beware, because what you're about to read is the most ridiculous, immature crap you'll probably read for the year. Helmets on?

So, there's a school party called "Untamed." I had wanted to perhaps have a sleep over with a few of my friends the night before so that we could get ready together and bond before heading to the party. However, because my mom is driving and my car can only accommodate five people, I had a quota of three people. So, I invited my best friend Keila, and two friends from school, Carrie and Aliyah. We haven't fully organized this, but we have the idea down and we're sorting out details. That's when Melissa and another friend, Alison, heard about it. I tried to keep it from them because it wasn't a big thing and I didn't want them to feel left out because I couldn't invite them. I even thought about cramming the car, but it just wasn't worth it. Plus, with my going away party so close, I figured it wasn't a big deal.

However, instead of taking possible disappointment for not being invited, they decided that it made sense to start ranting about how I don't like them anymore and my mom didn't approve of them and how they didn't want anything to do with me and my "party" anyways. I was taken aback when I heard of this, so I confronted Melissa.

Now, Melissa's attitude is best related to the juices secreted from the anus of a hippopotamus. IT WAS HORRIBLE. It started with the rolling of eyes and the snapping back and forth of her head like she was a bobble head on the dashboard of a car driving on seven miles straight of speed bumps. Mind you, I started by saying, " I heard that you have a problem with me or that I did something. What's up." Then she starts off, "well I heard that you're going around inviting people to a party and you haven't invited us because you don't like us or something like that. And you're telling people not to tell us because you don't want us to know." I was amused by the twisting of the story, but I reassured them that the only reason they weren't invited was limited space and that it was nothing personal. In fact, that I cared so much about their feelings that I tried to keep it on the low. To this, she replied, "well sure you did. But, that ain't what I hear so. And if you were our friend, you wouldn't be hiding it, like what the hell."

I struggle with bad attitudes. It just makes my blood boil. I asked her why she was taking that sort of attitude to it because it wasn't even that big of a deal to which she responded, "WAITTTTTT- it's my attitude and I can choose to have it if I feel like having it." At this point, I began to think, "hmmm- well THAT'S attractive. Like if I was Kody, I'd definitely see you behaving like an untamed baboon and think 'damn that behavior is sexyyyyy!'" Like for real; the level of class that I was dealing with was obviously below par and don't get me wrong, I'm not by any means saying that I'm better than these people or expressing hate, but just my honest opinion of the situation. And- this is my blog, once again. If I was at school, I'd probably have the whole year level on my back for saying all of these things, but I honestly don't believe that we can improve if everyone sees these things, but doesn't have the heart to tell the truth. So, I'll do the honors.

Right, as I was saying, she carried along on the same path and I finally just let them know that they over reacted, their attitudes were less than desired and that I was not interested in having anything to do with them in the future. They reciprocated my feelings by saying that they didn't want to go to my "stupid party" anyways (which I find humorous, because if that was the case, they wouldn't have made such a big deal in the first place). But here's where the story REALLY gets funny- she's believing that Kody has something to do with this so-called "dislike" of her.

I want so badly to let her know that right now, in the life of Katrina Lowell, where exams and Waffle dance around my head and occupy my time, the two of them are beyond irrelevant. However, the best I can manage is a "Melissa, would you like a lollipop for your achievement or a cheque for your troubles? Either one is a possibility hun- you just name it." I don't understand how girls are able to manipulate situations. She has this invisible pride that she wears where she thinks that she's in a position to do and say anything because she doesn't have consequences, but consequences come in the funniest of ways.

The truth is, losing a friend hurts, but losing a friend to stupidity and lust is a pill that's much easier to swallow. Sorry to say, but Melissa has to go. Hopefully Kody'll give her what she lacks rather than creating more of a deficit.

3. Gus
So today I found out that Gus' house burnt down, but I didn't really have a clear internal response.

We aren't talking- at all really. I've given up trying, figuring that if it had bothered him, he would've done something... and he didn't; sometimes you just gotta let sleeping dogs lie, right? And imagine that only minutes before hearing this news, he saw me and turned right back around, like he wanted nothing to do with me. How should I feel now that something so tragic occurred?

Of course I'm not heartless, so I felt horrible when I heard his name over that loudspeaker at school, but I don't think I'm gonna do anything about those feelings. I'm kinda over being the girl that allows people and my emotions to intimidate me. If you love me like a friend should, then I'll be the best friend you could ever have, but otherwise, you don't quite deserve it.

It only occurred to me as I sat down and thought about all the clothes that we were planning on donating when we moved and how I wanted to see if he was alright. I realized, 'Wait- why am I caring about someone that I don't think has ever truly cared about me?" No, I just can't allow myself to do it anymore, and this is just the first step, as painful as it might be, to deciding that I deserve more than I've gotten.

Sometimes the #LOWELLMILITIA has to come back home. It's not an act of selfishness, but an act of survival. 

Our generation is getting worse every day. Until we decide to speak up and protect ourselves, we're going be continue on a path that's painful. I follow the words of Romans 12:2 every day by looking and observing changes in the world and the people around me, but deciding that I refuse to allow them to mold me. I am Katrina, and I've gone through things in life that people really shouldn't. I came close to not even being here in the first place- so I'm not going to allow anyone to steal my joy. 

THIS is Katrina, and folks, you can either like it or not.

Love Always,

Katrina Lowell

Perfect EYES of Mine

I am not perfect. I hurt. I sin. I laugh. I curse sometimes. I try. I fall. I win. I lose. I love. I lose some more. I hate. I cry. I sigh. I breathe. I smile. I remember. I fake a smile. I talk. I ignore. I shun. I fall into hypocrisy. I sing. I write. I lie. I cheat. I dream. I often live the nightmares. I reach. I touch. I hold on. I let it slip. I hurt again. I sin again. I try to laugh again. I curse at the cycle. I try to be positive. I fall downnn. I finally win. I lose again. I love. I lose that battle. I hate him- I hate me. I cry to ease the pressure. I finish it off with a sigh. I breathe again. I smile for real. I remember him. I fake a smile this time. I talk to them. I ignore him. I shun the world. I fall into hypocrisy, hating a world that made me. I sing to give my feelings a melody. I write to give my feelings a voice. I lie when I say it's okay. I cheat myself out of happiness. I dream of Revelation 21:4. I live the nightmares of 2 Corinthians 12:7. I reach for religion. I touch His hand. I hold on. But then... again I let it slip- for I am not perfect.

I am Katrina. I hope I'm beautiful. I know I'm intelligent. I know I make mistakes. I know that I try. I know that God has a name. I hope that he can remember mine. I know that he will remember mine. I can see my faults. I love easily. I love honestly. I love in order to be loved- to feel loved, rather. I fall hard. I feel broken. I feel broken. I get up. I get up. I get up. I fall back down. I feel BROKEN. I know that I'm not. I let go but... I remember. I get frustrated. I want to move on. I want to be happy. I want to scream. I want to smile. I want to hold a hand sometimes. I want to know what "un abrazo fuerte" is- not just in English, but a universal language. I want "besos" in the language of love. I want to feel something. I think I feel it sometimes. But... that was lust last time I checked- for once again, I am not perfect.

I see. I hope. I dream. I read. I note. I laugh. I'm me. I still hurt sometimes. I still sin. But I try, and I'll win. I pray. I succeed. I have faith. I believe. I cry. I wish upon shooting stars. I talk to the moon. I envision. I live. I learn. I apply. I write. I bleed- ink. I anchor- sink. I stress- drink. I re-think. Orange juice and Malibu engulf my mind. I finally see clearly through that empty glass and guess what I find-

I am Katrina, imperfect, but it's fine. Why? Because life- I see it through these perfect EYES of mine...

#POETICJUSTICE

Hey guys,

So I don't know how many of you have been following my Google + recently, but I've been posting quite a bit about this "#POETICJUSTICE," and I only just realized that many of you guys probably have no idea what I mean by it, or even what the phrase in and of itself means. So, in this post, I'll give you the whole shake down.

Poetic justice is a literary device used to portray consequence for ones actions- which is where the "justice" comes in. However, as it is poetic, there's a certain rhythm or art to it, and the justice isn't always negative. It's pretty much like if you do something good, you get good in return. Just as well, if you do bad, you get bad as a result.

I've had another interpretation of this phrase not only because of the song, "Poetic Justice" by Kendrick Lamar, or more specifically the remix by Lyric 145, but just the way it sounds. What if love was described as being "poetic justice?" What if it was so rhythmic, artistic and beautiful that it felt like what you've been waiting for for so long, but were never able to achieve? That's what "poetic justice" means to ME.

That being said, I've been thinking about it a lot because I've realized more of what I want in a guy as I get older and that's one that is good with words- someone who's not afraid to be artistic and who treasures the simple gifts of just being... poetic. I've always thought about it- like, being a writer, I've always wondered if I should've stopped with the jocks and tried someone more down to earth, like a writer or a musician but I never did. I always ended up settling and now I really regret it because that's a type of love that probably would've done me well.

So, the question remains- why am I so interested in this whole idea NOW? Well, because I've fallen for a rapper, LOL.

So, I know this guy personally and he's just the coolest thing ever. We never used to talk before because yeah- I'm the nerdy blogger that hides behind huge glasses and surrounds herself with a gang load of teenage boys as friends. I never thought that he'd ever be interested in talking to me. I mean, besides the occasional "hello" or the inquiry for a piece of gum or a mento, our paths never crossed.

To top it off, he's oober talented. Like, just hearing his music made my skin tingle. I immediately got this sense of "he's so outta my league here like I'd be DISRESPECTFUL even trying to talk to him." That's a lot of junk, by the way, because that whole "league" talk is soooo superficial and self demeaning. At any rate, that's how I felt, so I forgot about him entirely... until recently.

We talked; we had a legit conversation about music and his plans for the future and it felt like he was everything I had wanted when I thought about poetic justice. But, his bus came and he left and I was right where I left off. It felt pretty sad at the time because there was something in him that you don't see too often, and I'll tell you why.

Boys nowadays have this narcissistic view to the world, especially love and relationships. Their main goal is to figure out how to get you to do what they want you to do. They try every card in the pack, trying to see if you're self conscious or if you trust easily or if you're afraid of something- they get into you're head in order to get YOU into their bed. It's a sick reality that we as girls need to acknowledge early on to avoid heart break. That's why I'm jaded when it comes to athletes; all of them have been like that to me. It leads me to believe that they don't really focus on the importance of their words past how saying them benefits them. However, with guys that are writers, musicians, and artists, they have a more rounded view of things. Like, it's not like a great deal of them aren't retards, too, but they often have a gentler approach and they speak from the heart.

That's what I saw in this guy. Let's call him Daniel. Daniel is just everything. He's so cute, with the perfect smile and this kind of chill disposition. He's not all too inviting, not in a bad way, but he's shy in a way where he won't show it, but he just won't approach you and so he seems unapproachable. He's so clever when it comes to expressing himself. Even in the jokes that he tells, he's just really smart although he's quick to deny it. When he likes a girl, he treats her like porcelain; he's gentle, soft spoken, kind, and just an all around gentleman.

He likes me. And, as you can see, I like him a lot, but I guess prior mistakes have lead me to watch my step and to keep him an arms-width away. But I have felt this so called poetic justice, be it in the way he calls me beautiful for no apparent reason or perhaps his blatant honesty, no matter how dorky it makes him look. He's genuine and amazing to me, and I'm just really glad that he's around so that if not myself in the future, another deserving girl will be lucky enough to experience what a real guy gives.

#POETICJUSTICE, guys, is what you should focus on. Don't just tell her that she's got a killer body and that you love to kiss her and you want to be around her- make her feel it. Add some rhythm and life to it, love her like it's poetry written in blood on her heart. Give her exactly what she deserves as a girl, which is a guy she can depend on and trust, a guy who likes her for who she is on the inside foremost, a guy that thinks the world of her and isn't afraid to be considered "sensitive" in order to make it known.

As for Daniel, I don't really know what to say. I guess, if I had the chance, I would say thank you for making this past week so special. I guess I lost a lot of self confidence with the ending of my last relationship, especially in HOW it ended, and it has felt like I've been given that extra push that I needed to build myself back up and move on. You often forget how nice it is to hear certain things, no matter how small they are, but it really is nice. No matter how much I think you're lying sometimes or I just think "okay- he's saying this because he's a boy and boys have been literally trained for this their whole lives," it still feels good to know that I'm appreciated and that someone enjoys my company as much as I do theirs. I hope that we can be friends for a long while because you're the type of guy that I duct tape to my wrist, LOL. I'm kidding, but seriously- you're a really great guy, and I know that from experience. Your one telling trait is your humility. You don't expect too much from a girl and you respect her as an individual. You don't tell yourself, "Hey- I'm sexy Daniel and I deserve a chick just as sexy who will do this and that for me because... hell- I'M DANIEL, THAT'S WHY!" You truly are just all around awesome and I appreciate all that you've done for me so far- even the things you don't even realize you did.

So... that's it guys. That's my little condensed reasoning behind my overuse of this hashtag, hehehehe. Hope it has all made sense... sorta. Thanks for reading :'D.

Also, welcome newcomers! I'm stoked that you guys have been visiting my blog and I hope you enjoy my posts. It means a lot to me that you're here...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell

Katrina Lowell's Google +

Hey Guys,

So this is a really short post just letting you guys know that I have really began to focus on my Google + page as it is not only a quicker way for me to post little things that I think up, but also as a window into my everyday life for you guys. It's almost like my Twitter, in a sense. Anyhow, go ahead, check out my page and follow me- I accept all requests and I post EVERY DAY without fail. That's where the true Katrina emerges, be it my music obsession or random posted quotes or even some of my close friends who have commented on my posts. It's a lot of fun- I spent the whole day yesterday on it #ADDICTED. Anyhow, the link is here, +Katrina . Hope to be able to share more with you guys :).

Love Always and Forever <3,
Katrina Lowell

P.S. BONJOUR FRANCE! HALLO DEUTSCHLAND! ЗДРАВО СРБИЈА! AND CZEŚĆ POLSKA!

I love to see that my blog is reaching further across the world. I hope that you guys enjoy this blog and keep reading- I'm not always super up to date with my posts, but check out the link above ^^ for something new every day. Thanks for visiting my blog and I send my love <3.

AU REVOIR! LEBEWOHL! ЗБОГОМ! AND POŻEGNANIE!

XOXOXOXOX (At least I know that THAT'S universal, LOL)

The Best and Worst of 2013 in Music According To Katrina; Dance Tracks

Hey Readers,

So I can easily say that the music scene has changed quite a bit this year and I was there every step of the way. Do I think that it changed for the best? Not necessarily; I mean, besides the obsession with Twerking, Miley Cyrus, and the correlation between the two, there were so many songs that were just so... bleh. However, a few lyricists have risen out of the rubble and drawn my attention. At any rate, although its well into 2014, I'd like to introduce to you "The Best and Worst of 2013 in Music According To Katrina."

DANCE TRACKS

So you guys know my take on dance tracks- I think that it's possible to join quality lyrics, vocal ability AND a strong bassline to create an incredibly amazing song to rave to. However, I think that maybe I'm the only person out there that thinks so. I mean... nowadays you have the WORST LYRICS EVER to a really sweet track and they put it out there to be played on the radio and in clubs obviously desensitizing us to what is ridiculous. So yeah- I have quite a few selections that I think either did a good job at balancing when it came to the top three elements of a song that I pay attention to or were just so hype that I had to admit that despite the crap lines, it was beast.

1. #SELFIE By The Chainsmokers
.____. Although this song was released this year, it was recorded last year and it's just worthy of the disgrace I'm about to give it. Who in the world came up with this song? Like yes- sometimes you just want a song to laugh at but this was just so bad that it was painful! And to top it off, all of my friends say that I talk like the girl in the song. I can't take it. It's just next level bad. Plus- does anyone realize how this just completely masticates and swallows our WHOLE generation in three minutes and fourty-three seconds? Look at the title of my blog- "Katrina Lowell- The Blog of our GENERATIONNNNNNN". Like what the hell. Now my parents hear that song and look at me with that "I told you so" look on their faces; I've been trying to convince them that our generation isn't all that bad- like we're bad but hey; back in my parents' day, they wore their clothes back-to-front like Kris Kross. Now they hear that song and they say, "ohhh, not only are they retarded, but they're brain dead and stupid, too." I can't even comment on the redundancy of their comments because that song was repetitively giving us a bad name.

You know it's bad when Katrina brings up the lyrics but I just need to do this- I can't help myself.

                                                                         "#SELFIE"

When Jason was at the table
I kept on seeing him look at me while he was with that other girl
Do you think he was just doing that to make me jealous?

(And the superficiality surfaces...)
Because he was totally texting me all night last night
and I don't know if it's a booty call or not
So... like what do you think?

(LOL you REALLY wanna know what I think? I think you're a dunce tbh)

Did you think that girl was pretty?
How did that girl even get in here?
Do you see her?
She's so short and that dress is so tacky
Who wears Cheetah?

(At 5'4 and a lover of animal prints I take STRONG offence. Like what's wrong with being short and appreciating the occasional African theme?)
It's not even summer, why does the DJ keep on playing "Summertime Sadness"?

(This... well you know... I kind of agree :/ Please don't judge me)
After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette?
I really need one

(But I don't think you want gingivitis, lung cancer, heart disease...)
But first,
LET ME TAKE A SELFIE

(And this is probably the worst part of all)
[Beat drops]

Can you guys help me pick a filter?
I don't know if I should go with XX Pro or Valencia
I wanna look tan

(Hmmm... maybe some sun??)
What should my caption be?
I want it to be clever
How about "Livin' with my *******, hash tag LIVE"

(OMG cuz that is soooo clever like #YEAH #SMARTBAE)
I only got 10 likes in the last 5 minutes
Do you think I should take it down?

(Bust it for the likes, bust it open for the likessss)
LET ME TAKE ANOTHER SELFIE

[Beat drops]

Wait, pause, Jason just liked my selfie
What a creep

(Well, since you seem to be obsessing over this guy, I wonder what that says about you...)
Is that guy sleeping over there?
Yeah, the one next to the girl with no shoes on
That's so ratchet

(OH THE IRONYYYY)
That girl is such a fake model
She definitely bought all her Instagram followers
Who goes out on Mondays?

(.-. you?)
OK, let's go take some shots
Oh no, I feel like I'm gonna throw up
Oh wait, nevermind I'm fine
Let's go dance

(Either she's drunk or her attention span is similar to that of a squirrel in its adolescent stage)
There's no vodka at this table
Do you know anyone else here?
Oh my god, Jason just texted me
Should I go home with him?
I guess I took a good selfie

(What the hell am I hearing like fuh real? Being this shallow should be a crime)
Selfie [on repeat]

LET ME TAKE A SELFIE

Okay, yeah... this is officially the WORST dance track of 2013. Hands down.

2. Dance The Pain Away By Benny Benassi (ft. John Legend)

Benny Benassi is not just a DJ, but a man that knows what he's doing when it comes to music. He's been behind songs like "Satisfaction," "Beautiful People (ft Chris Brown)" and "Cinema (ft Gary Go)." "Cinema," especially, was a song that I though was lyrically amazing because it was just beautifully written. This song is more relevant to raving, but this time with a John Legend spin. John Legend has one of the best voices of our time. It's so smooth and effortlessly on point. Not only that, but John Legend is an incredibly talented songwriter and that's probably why this song was able to achieve such a perfect balance that it became a favorite of mine.

This is one of the BEST dance tracks of 2013. 

3. Bassline Junkie By Dizzee Rascal

This is one of those that sounds ridiculous but is sooo worthy of a mention because while the lyrics weren't exactly awe inspiring nor clean, they were really clever. Not only that, but it's a track that FORCES you to dance. You know those people that wear headphones and walk around showing no expression or anything? This song isn't for them if they don't wanna make a fool of themselves at the bus stop. Without further ado, I'll let the words speak for themselves.

                                                                  "Bassline Junkie"

Hey turn the bass up, turn the bass up
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Dirty, dirty stinking,
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Bass, bass, bass, bass

[Chorus:]
I don’t need no speed, no
I don’t need no heroin, no thanks
I don’t want no coke, not today
You can keep your ketamine, yeah
I’m a bassline junkie, what?
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
And I like it funky

Don't touch it, who told you to touch it?
I will ******* kill you, don't ever touch that **** again

I’m a fiend for a big dirty bassline
When I hear one I have a great time
A bit of butterman's all I require
I let the bassline take me higher
My friends think that it’s a bad habit, damn it
If you take my bass away
I’ll blow your ******* face away, easy!
You might think I’m over the top
But when I hear that bassline drop
I just can’t control my actions
But I still feel satisfaction
So don’t come around here whinging
I just wanna hear the bassline rinsin
Or we can just skank out all day
If not get the **** out my way

[Chorus:]
I don’t need no speed, no
I don’t need no heroin, no thanks
I don’t want no coke, not today
You can keep your ketamine, yeah
I’m a bassline junkie, what?
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
And I like it funky
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Dirty, dirty stinking,
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Bass, bass, bass

The other day I got an ASBO order
And I think it’s well out of order
All my neighbors throwing a fit
So I told them **** my ****
And I told them I got the power
And I turn the music up louder
All night till 6 in the morning
Old bastards, they just boring
You know me, I’m the bassline father
Nobody can tell me neither
And the police turned up and they took me
We drove out to the nick and they booked me
Then they said they'd give me a caution
If I didn’t give them no distortion
But I said don’t bother, I’m guilty
And my bassline's ******* filthy

[Chorus:]
I don’t need no speed, no
I don’t need no heroin, no thanks
I don’t want no coke, not today
You can keep your ketamine, yeah
I’m a bassline junkie, what?
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I’m a bassline junkie, tell them again
I don’t like it funky
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Dirty, dirty stinking,
Big dirty stinking bass, dirty stinking bass
Big dirty stinking bass,
Bass, bass, bass
Bass, bass, bass
Bass, bass, bass.

4. Bring The Noize By M.I.A

This song would have beaten "Dance The Pain Away," however it's profanity inhibited its progress in my charts. What a shame. At any rate, I found a clean version that I will post because I'm a huge M.I.A fan and she always has really good songs. This song is probably one of her best and it highlighted her lyrical abilities as a rapper- abilities that aren't always evident in the music she makes.

That's been the dance tracks... stay tuned for the Rap best and worst. Was gonna add it to this one but... I've got SOO MUCH TO SAY on how disappointed I was in 2013 that I thought I would give myself a whole post to rant. 

Love Always <3,

Katrina Lowell

My Confessional

So I've had this blog for a little over two years now and in that short space of time a lot of things in my life changed. I moved from my American home to one out in the foreign tropics. I've gotten two years older, which in and of itself yields its varying changes. I've changed schools and made new friends. I've gotten into volleyball, a sport that seems to dominate my life nowadays. I've fallen in love more than once and had more than my fair share of heartbreak and heartache. I've done some... not-so-great things. I've gotten into a lot of trouble with my parents, and am now thus trying to earn back a whole lotta trust. I've gone to the brink of just giving up on everything, and even trying to end my life. These past two years have felt like the longest two years of my life and here I am now. Problem is... well... I'm here now, but I don't really know how I feel about it.

I feel like the greatest battle that I've been fighting is that of trying to find Katrina and to really love her. Often, I feel like I've found her and I've gotten to embrace all of her imperfections and perks, but then something comes up that makes me stumble and fall and it's pretty much like I've lost her. I felt that way recently when Kody and I stopped talking. It's been quite hard for me because he was just kinda always there and I felt like if it was anyone right now that I could rely on, it would be him. However, by doing that I let myself down again because now that he's not around, I just feel really lonely I guess. It's often an empty feeling of being in a country so far from home and your true best friends and you're just the foreigner. To be honest, although he reminded me that he's still here for me, it's just kinda evident that he's happier without me around. He has his own friends and he's moving on without me and it's kinda like a hint that I should do the same. I'll admit that its a valid point, but the way in which our friendship broke apart and the time in which it did has left me searching again for who I really was.

I hate who I've become in the process- it's been an obnoxious way of living. I guess in order to put out an outward display of happiness, I've become really loud and jubilant. I hug everyone and I yell and I smile just a bit wider that I used to and I laugh REALLY REALLY loudly. But on the inside I just feel disgusted. I really dislike Katrina in every shape and form and it's been something that I've battled with since I was really young. Because of this front that I've put up, by the time I get home, all I can do is cry. Cry and cry and cry and cry and just release all of my frustration.

That's another thing that I hate about myself- I'm too emotional. It really is a good thing that I prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls because I deal with enough emotion within myself. I don't know if I can take any more. Often my display of emotion is misread and people automatically freak out but... I hurt a lot for various reasons and often my reactions to things aren't specifically regarding that situation, but rather that problem mixed with the emotions that have hung on the brink from other things, too. My reaction becomes a melting pot that starts to bubble over. It's cost me many relationships, be it friends, family and/or romantic and all it does is add to my frustration. I'm not a crazy person by any means, but sometimes when I start to cry and I say things that are just WAY out there, I look like it to everyone else and even feel like it myself. It hurts to know that because I haven't been able to find an avenue to channel my feelings properly that people that mean so much to me, but don't understand what I go through, will continue to distance themselves.

In terms of physical appearance, I'm not one to consider myself attractive on a regular basis. I tend to hide behind vibrant colors and large glasses that distract people from my physical features because while there are some things about me that I find beautiful, they're few and far between. A big part of that has been my weight and ANYONE that knows me well will say that I complain about it often. Currently I weigh around 156.5 lbs on a good day, but that's after an extensive diet that I've worked on and losing almost ten pounds. It's not the worst out there, and a good deal of it (I'm sure) is muscle but it still bothers me.

Often my idea of beauty is relevant to what the person I like at the time likes. Currently the general look is light skinned, long, curly haired, skinny, yet curvy with perfect teeth and radiant eyes. As for me- that's just almost the complete opposite of what I am and it upsets me. I feel almost like I've tried it all, from the diets and workouts to the braces and contacts and in the end I'm still left with 100% Katrina. In the end, it all boils down to just accepting that I'll always be Katrina and that I'm wasting my time trying to be someone else. C'est La Vie.

I often return to a solemn feeling inside that just kinda inquires as to WHY I'm here. Why I wake up every morning to a beautiful sunrise that hits the pool outside my window just right, why I breathe in rhythm, why everything around me moves when inside I feel like I've been standing still. Those thoughts proved to be dangerous only about 6 months ago when they materialized and became suicide attempts.

I remember distinctly when I opened the cupboard ever so cautiously and cursed at the fact that all we had were allergy pills and two pain relievers. I grabbed them anyways and hid them under my shirt. I locked my bedroom door and blasted "Starry Skies" by Jaden Smith on my speakers, stared into the mirror of my bathroom and kinda said my goodbyes to myself. It's hard to look back on, to think that I was so okay with leaving behind everything. It took a lot of time before I finally decided to swallow a mere eight allergy meds and the two Excedrin. I guess thinking back, I was afraid of death. After they went down, it was scary to imagine that I just did that to myself. Images of convulsions filled my head and I kinda just went to bed and waited for the worst of it to set in. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, made drowsy by the medication cocktail and hours of crying that I'd done hours before. The worst part was waking up. I woke up. I just remember being angry on another level and I felt like it was my fault, the same person  that I was trying to kill was fighting to stay alive and it was an internal battle that I distinctly remember me to this day. Soon after, I tried for a second time, still within a 12 hour period of the previous one. I went back and took out the whole allergy carton and just the sound, that "snap, snap, snap..." of the pills being popped out of the cartridge made my skin crawl. By the time I took them, I had taken a total of 23 tablets of 24 hour medication. Unlike last time, however, I had to go out soon after and the car ride was when I felt the effects.

You could say I was high, I suppose, The word faded is probably the best term given to the feeling that I had. My vision was so hazy and it was almost as if either the world was passing by too quickly or I was in slow motion, but there was a noticeable delay between myself and time. My speech was slurring and I couldn't formulate words, so I stayed silent. But- the effects were't enough to do much more than that. At that point I just gave up. I told myself that I would have to push through for a little while and get myself out of the slump I was in.

One thing that I learned soon after those attempts was that I needed to have a little bit more humility and stop thinking only of myself. I realized that in an effort to rid myself of the pain in my heart, I was willing to rip out those of my mom, my dad, my brother, Waffle, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, Amber, my friends, and everyone else who loves me more than I even love myself. That's something that showed me how selfish I was being and it put a new twist into my head. With me gone, the world only stops for me; no one else. Yeah, they might grieve me for a while, but life still goes on and there would become a point when days go by without thoughts of me in their mind. And where would I be? Six feet under.

Less than a week later, I started volleyball. I threw myself into it whole-souled hoping to find an outlet and some fun. I soon started to train with my school's team and that's when I really started to hang with Kody. I guess that's why his friendship meant a lot to me because he saw in me everything that I wanted to destroy. He was the one that told me that I was pretty on my messiest days and gave me a shoulder just to rest on when those old feelings started to rise back and... sigh, I'm gonna cry as I type this, LOL. Sometimes he would just say something that made my day for no reason and on many of those days, it prevented me from trying again. I can therefore say that to me he was my rock in ways that I don't think he would've ever began to expect.

I wrote this confessional to let you guys know that when sit behind this keyboard and promote the Lowell Militia that never stands down and fought to be who we are that I'm not a perfect girl in any way, form or fashion. I hate to play the victim card, but I honestly feel that a good deal of my potentiality to be more positive and joyous as I grew up was ripped from me from the time the bullying set in. I can't even begin to describe how hard it was for me as a little girl to just be hated because of my skin color and the texture of my hair. That's all it was- factors that made me me and that I couldn't control. I often compare myself back then to myself now and the same things that I was ridiculed about I still fuss about today. And even though I've made the realization, I still struggle with it all.

One thing that I've been telling myself as old feelings ride my heart as I approach yet another birthday and I seemingly lose a best friend at a time where I might've needed him most, is to take each day as it comes. I wake up, prepare for school, arrive at school, go through my classes and try my best, play volleyball, come home, do my homework, read a little, go to bed. My attitude has a range on highs and lows and I try to manage my lows and sustain my highs the best I can and a good part of that has been reading and trying to work on my writing on a daily basis. I often feel like I'm not heard and so rather than talking I type and it lifts me up like nothing else.

Music has also played a huge part in my therapeutic regiment. I often find songs that spell out my feelings and reassure me that I'm not the only out there feeling this way and if they're finding a way to express how they feel, then so should I. I've also started to secretly see a counselor and she's always giving me new challenges; new ways to combat my feelings and to move on. I've realized that I have a lot of anxieties, one of which is that of being alone so I try to hang on to people like a safety net and thus settle for anything and all that ends up happening is that I get hurt. That's one of the ultimate things that I've been working on in order to start moving forward.

Life isn't easy- not for anyone. But one quote that has kept with me throughout this whole ordeal is the one by Vivian Greene that states "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

I am Katrina Lowell- and this has been my confessional. <3

The Worst

I know that it's been a while since we spoke- I guess I just didn't know what to say. Well, that's not really all that true. The words have been here all along but I chose not to use them. At this point, I don't really have a choice.

Days and weeks have passed, but every night is spent with you on my mind. The thought that you're so close yet so far away leaves this feeling in my chest where just my whole world is laying right there, crushing me under it's weight. Everyday is of gray skies, rain and cold weather. You're smile isn't there to brighten up my mornings anymore. Tears fall everyday, even now as I write this letter, with no signs of a weather change. Safety and warmth is nestled so tightly in your arms and now... I'm left to lay alone and remember what it was like.

I guess it's hard to fathom that my best friend has become my greatest stranger. It's hard to realize that broken hearts are often uneven, and I'm just the one left with the greatest part of the mess to clean up alone. Truth is- I don't need you, but I want you. To be loved for who I was, even on my worst hair days and the depths of my PMS, is something that I've never experienced before. Did I take it for granted? I guess, yeah I did. I often felt like I didn't deserve it and in the end I was pretty much proven right. It still rings in my ears like an ache; "C'est La Vie." A phrase so right in the wrongest of ways. Facing the fact that my best just wasn't enough is something that I have yet to do. I did try my best because one thing that I knew was that you were the best I've ever had and... something deep in my heart just hints that it'll be a really long time until I feel like that again. It'll be long before I look in the mirror and don't feel disgust because I'm nothing like what you want.

You don't want me anymore.

I often said that you and I were only a moment. I don't think I really understood just how brief. In that brief moment I never said just what I probably should've. I don't believe within myself that this letter will do anything more than attempt to ease the hurt just for a little while. At any rate, there's something that I just really wanted you to know.

I don't mean to, but I love you... three words that have always been hard for me to say, but you make them so easy. I'm forgetting how it was to kiss you and to hold your hand. That's the worst. You were like my therapist and I loved all of our sessions. I remember how unbearable it was when we were in the kitchen cause we had to be quiet because our parent's listened.

You were sick of kissing- you wanted more. I get that, I honestly do. I guess for me I just struggled with the fear of making mistakes. But my biggest mistake was letting you go.

I miss you every day. I try so hard to make everything okay and surrounded by friends, I try to make myself numb to the pain inside, but I just don't know what to do anymore. It's as if nothing even matters. I honestly don't care about anything else in the world. Love is all around me, but not IN me.

I guess in conclusion, the best thing I could do is tell you how much you mean to me. My brain says to move on, but every time I'm with him, my heart reminds me of you. In truth, I don't want anyone else. Everything else just feels wrong.

I don't need you, but I want you. I don't mean to, but I love you. After all this time, I just wish you'd give us a second chance. Moments aren't always just once in a lifetime...

Sincerely,
Katrina

***

Being A Blogger in 2014

Hey Guys,

So I'm here... been sitting here for about an hour listening to both "Birdy" and "Pure Heroine," at a loss for which topic to write about. I wanna write about my resolutions, but that's gonna take a fresh cup of coffee and a long night. I wanna write about love, but (and this is gonna sound real mean) I've been feeling like Taylor Swift- I need a break... pardon the pun. I wanna write about my best friends, like Amber White and how this year will be the friendiversary that signifies our half-a-lifetime friendship. I wanna talk about Kody and the rest of the people that I'll be leaving behind this summer and how I feel about that. I wanna talk about Waffle's fifth birthday this month and how my puppy... well he's not a puppy anymore. I wanna write a "Beautiful" chapter FINALLY. I wanna write about the music scene this past year and why I've been so disappointed. I wanna start new revolutions this year with the Lowell Militia. I wanna share my life on this blog because sometimes I feel like it's the one thing that makes me look forward to each day's adventures.

What now? That's the question, right? I don't know LOL.

I just have a feeling that this year is gonna be BIG! Big in terms of news for my blog and different things that I blog about and I'm planning on taking some more steps when it comes to my blog, as in merchandise and global outreach and just working on expansion. I'm definitely excited :)

ALSO, I'm planning on getting my friends involved in my blog as well. I'm sure they're reading this like "say what now?!" But, I mean, I want to have discussions and do different tags with them. Right now, we're working on the Besties Tag and... well, it's taking a while because Amber thinks that she knows EVERYTHING about me anyways and Kody... well... he's a boy and we all know that slacking is almost like part of their genetic makeup, right? Girls- you know exactly what I mean. At any rate, it'll get done sooner or later, and once that gets done, we can work towards more posts that'll be just as, if not more, interesting and just altogether fun. Well... as interesting as they can be. My friend Brad wants us to discuss the two birds he saw today :/... excuse him, guys... he's... he's a twin. I think Caydon, his brother, got all the brains LOL.

The one thing that I've wanted the most is to get you guys, my readers, involved. It's been two years and some and still no comments, barely any poll votes and while I see all the worldwide views, I feel sometimes like I'm writing to myself. That being said, I want to go back to my foundation and start to build almost from the ground up, incorporating you guys in everything that I do. When I first put up my blog, I gave you all my e-mail address and promised to post anything that YOU guys wanted to share with the world, be it artwork, photography, poems, prose or just experiences that you could share with the other readers of the blog. I had said that I wanted to have discussions with you guys after I posted a post that you enjoyed, just to hear about how it related to you and how I could improve in my posts moving forward. I had especially put up the "Ask Katrina" part of my blog to give you specific advice on whatever you wanted help with. I want us to get to know each other TRULY as a leader with his soldiers. I don't wanna work like a commander who puts out something and just expects results. I want you guys to help me help you; a symbiotic relationship.

Anyhow, being a blogger in 2014 is bound to be exciting. After being in a bloggers shoes for these past two years or so, I've gotten an view of the world like no other. I read EVERYTHING in my environment, be it feelings, facial expressions, signs, stickers, etc. I read those things on a deeper level in that I think to myself how that represents us as a generation and what it means for our mentality as we progress in the future. At the end of the day, that's really all that we have left to think about.

Yesterday, during my bible study, I was asked if I believed that the world was going to improve as we move forward and... I was saddened to respond saying no. I mean, I honestly don't. I know that there are always people trying to make a change and to give us hope in every way, big or small. In fact, that's exactly what I try to do here with my little blogs. But, you know, there's only so much we can do for ourselves as we move ahead. But, that being said, this year is just another year that we have to work just a little harder to make the small, simple joys lasting ones. That's what this blog is gonna focus on this year- the simple gifts of joy that we get in life.

Love Always,
Katrina Lowell

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell

HELLOOOO Readers,

My oh my, how I've missed you guys. My site was down on my laptop for quite a bit of time now and last night, with a little help from my dad, I was set back up and was back down to business. Last night I posted another story to add to my repertoire of prose called "The Lie I think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." Like I did with "The First Cut," I wanted to have another author Q and A to give you guys a better idea of what this story means to me and how I had meant it for you guys, my readers. Without further ado, I present to you:

Behind "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" By Katrina Lowell  

1. The title of this prose is... well it's quite long and distinct. What was your thought process behind it?

Well, to be honest, the title came before the story and I had wanted to highlight a few elements of what I was going to write before the story was actually read. I wanted to create interest with the suspense of, you know, what exactly the three words were and a little bit of confusion because of the way it's phrased. If you think about it, who do you know says, "you know what? There's a lie I think you told me..." I mean, as I said before, I just wanted to create interest in what was going to be said before any of it was actually even written. I actually posted the title of the story on my profile before it was posted just for that "hmm" effect. Lol- hope that makes sense. But also, blogging is so different than buying a book on a self because white there's usually an attractive cover that in and of itself will say a thousand words, not to mention the blurb that's either on the back or the inside cover that describes the plot, we as bloggers will solely work on titles because unlike what I just mentioned, the title is the FIRST thing that'll draw your attention before anything else and so usually my titles are pondered on until I find exactly what I think will speak for itself.

2. Upon reading the story, I didn't really see coherence between the title and what was really IN the story. What really was the correlation, or is there even any?

Yeah, I know that that could've caused some confusion there because while lies are spoken of in the story as well as the three words, the lie was more hoped for than accused. However, the lie was really the words of themselves because as you saw, the narrator was someone who was an unbeliever of falling in love and then upon being drawn into it, going through the motions and ending up with a broken heart, had felt that the deception that she found herself caught in was because of the three simple words being 'I Love You," more so than the actions of the person that broke her heart. Like most people, she had felt that if you really mean what you say, that's when you'd put in the extra effort to not hurt the person that you claim to love. Therefore, she had this general thought that maybe those words in and of themselves were predisposed to being dishonest. That's why she calls it "the lie I think you told me" because at the end of the day, the concept of being instantly lied to started to not make sense. Her black and white lines gave more gray than answers. She even ventured to say that it would be EASIER to just accept it as a lie so that she wouldn't have to confront an all new feeling. The wording of the title also alludes to this feeling of uncertainty that I tried to illustrate.

3. As would be expected from a Katrina Lowell tale, was this story more factual than it was fictional?

This is most definitely the question that I've been dreading, but yes- there's quite a bit of my story embedded in Katrina's. A lot of the abstract elements are in harmony with things that I've dealt with. I had a really rough time in about August this year where I had allowed myself to just, as I described in this prose, fall into waters uncharted and unknown to me and I ended up hurt beyond what I could've imagined. It was... it was something that I try not to relive or even remember although there's a reminder everyday, be it a song or a familiar face. I've grown quite a bit in the short space of time but in more ways than one I still feel like a broken toy that works more often than not, but topples over once in a while and needs a little help and readjustment. I think in even WRITING this story I've overcome the fear of confronting my feelings again- I played some Birdy as I typed, the same songs that I used to play in my room so that it would feel a little less empty. That was the hardest part of the writing process because music, for me, helps me to explain how I feel, especially because I'm someone who often finds it hard to describe what I feel inside and so when I find songs that say it for me, it does something to me. So there I was, playing these songs that I called forbidden and it helped me say what I needed to say. That in and of itself brought tears to my eyes because I felt like I was finally able to start letting go of what was stewing inside of me. However, it's still a story and so many parts of it were edited and added in order to really mold and develop a new plot.

4. It's well known that in your personal life you're kinda... secretive, as it were; how has it for you to tell out one of your biggest secrets to not only the world, but to know that some of your readers are people that know you personally?

It was horrifying to say the least. At the end of the day, it honestly felt like I was giving up my diary to, as you said, the world- ON PURPOSE, you know. It was rough and it took me a while to actually decide to post it. It was only when I was talking to Kenny last night that I was encouraged to just post it. He told me something that really reminded me of what this blog is all about; he told me "It's just Katrina and Katrina doesn't really exist." I realized that once I posted it, it wasn't MY story anymore- it was Katrina's and at the end of the day, yeah, Katrina doesn't exist. She's better equip to carry that load than I am, in all honesty. So, I posted it and took a sigh because I felt tons lighter for the first time in a long while. That being said, Kody knew that it was posted, he knew it was an emotional post for me, and he knows my blog address. I pleaded with him to just not read it, which is something I never do, but I just didn't want the vulnerability that him knowing would bring me. It's even worse because being one of my best friends, he knows the jist of what I've been going through, but I dared not tell him the full story. It was just easier to say that I was with someone and it ended poorly- end of story. I made him promise he wouldn't read it, but knowing him, the curiosity has probably gotten the best of him and it was most likely read, but I think that maybe its about time I just start trusting people and stop being so "secretive" LOL. Of course Amber's gonna read this, and it won't be much of a shock to her, given she's the only person that knows me inside and out and helped to pull me through it all in the end. In fact, I think that she'll be proud that I've gotten the courage to just let everything out. I love her more than anything <3.

5. With special attention to the person that was being spoken to in the narrative, was he, too, part of your personal life that snuck its way in?

No; not entirely. There's nobody that that was directed to, actually, but there was someone who came after the heartbreak that entirely changed my view of my circumstances and what they meant for me in the future, so in that sense that was factual. That was actually something that I, too, considered before posting it because in the perchance that this person, you know, happened upon the story, I didn't want them to feel bad or even think of me as more broken than I am. When I read it, a lot of thoughts came to me as to what people would think as they read it, especially with special thought to those who suspected that this story was more to me than just a story. Given that I always try to appear strong and level-headed, I felt that in my writing, a different view was given of me, and I didn't know how I liked it. I felt like I would be looked at as a basket case or and over-emotional girl and that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to put out there something that showed that yeah, I'm far from perfect, but it's my imperfections that make me who I am and I can't spend forever running away from the very thing that makes up Katrina. But all in all, my biggest fear is that the person alluded to reads it and gathers something far from what I was trying to portray. At any rate, I've gotta focus on moving forward without really paying attention to what others feel about my feelings, no matter how hard it is. My only hope is that wherever he is that he knows how much he meant to me in the hardest parts of these last few months, especially because he didn't know that there was something underneath the surface that stood between us then and sometimes still does to this day.

6. Before you go, is there anything you'd like to say to your readers about how you had intended the story for them?

Definitely, yeah. Everything that I write is not only for me to express myself but to help out other teenage girls. I know personally that this is one of the hardest times to go through with fickle relationships and wild hormones and if ever me just sharing what I've been going through and how I deal with things helps another girl go through her difficulties, I'd feel like I've done my job. I think I've spent too long dealing with things by myself because it was easier than admitting that things were getting tough and I was hurt to just let what I've learned stay with me. I want to help change the world before I go- I want to show that even broken girls can fix things. Everyday I get new viewers from places like Serbia, Russia, Indonesia, Turkey, Japan, The Caribbean, UK and USA. I know that at least one girl from anywhere in the world that reads my blog can relate to what I write and are able to take away something from it that helps them work towards solving their own problems. "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words" was my way of saying to you guys that... love is okay, but as for who you give it to or take it from, you should really contemplate because not everyone that holds you and tells you what you want to hear is good for you. Imagine that the one that I spoke of in that story I see nearly every week, and what? Nothing. It feels like we're strangers that never felt anything for one another and although I guess the heart didn't break even and he's the one in the end that wants to contact me... well, he just can't get through because I know things now that I before tried to ignore. I spoke about Birdy before, but I must say that her self titled album has songs that are more than just lyrics on a melody, but are actually songs that were made to MEAN something. I suggest that you all listen to it and really take them to heart.

That's it for now guys, but I hope that you enjoyed not only this post, but "The Lie I Think You Told Me With Three Simple Words." I love you all and hope that we'll start making some more memories as we enter the third year of  ~Katrina Lowell~, a blog for our generation...

Love Always <3,
Katrina Lowell